December 24, 2005
Merry Thoughts
Having just hosted the very first Christmas at this house, complete with all the oddness my girlfriend's family provides, I still feel the stillness of the season. I know, it sounds cliche, but maybe, just maybe, the coming together of tree, lights, candles, gifts, and a Holiday meal and desert, still sparks something in me. I feel warm. I feel good. I don't care about shit that doesn't concern me directly.
Does that offend you? Good.
Here's hoping you're enjoying what you want to enjoy, feeling how you want to feel, being as selfish as you want to feel, and as giving as much as you want to give.
Merry Christmas!
December 23, 2005
He's Making A List, Checking It Twice
He's gonna have you whacked in the middle of the night. . . and probably touch your children in a bad touch sort of wayyyyyyyy.
This Pope/Satan (er, SANTA) picture brought to my attention by Jim.
Caroline says: that's scary
Ryan says: He's not a very photogenic Pope.
Caroline says: There's something wrong with a Pope wearing a Santa hat.
Ryan says: Even in his declining years, the old Pope looked like everybody's favorite grandpa.
Ryan says: The Pope walks into a bar wearing a Santa hat. . .
Ryan says: Bartender says: "Don't fondle my children!"
Caroline says: ba dum bum!
Caroline says: Thank you, folks, i'll be here all week. Try the pork chop sandwiches.
Ryan says: Thanks, I'll be here all day. Try the hot sauce.
Ryan says: Shriek!
Ryan says: Brain wave.
Caroline says: Snarf!
Caroline says: I know.
Ryan says: Holy fuck.
Caroline says: what?
Ryan says: We've just been dialed into each other's brains this week.
Ryan says: Must be the solstice.
Caroline says: I bet that's it. Nothing says shortest day of the year better than reading someone else's mind.
Ryan says: It's in the Bible.
Ryan says: Somewhere towards the back.
Caroline says: After the verse about the Pope wearing a Santa hat.
Ryan says: 8:14 And I looked as they openned the seventh seal, and lo there was a great shaking, as the Pope donned a Santa hat, and the brain waves became as one. And the seas boiled, and the skies fell. And the dead walked upon the earth, but no one noticed, because they just assumed they were looking at the Rolling Stones.
Ryan says: I'm paraphrasing.
Caroline says: Doesn't Kanye West sing about that in one of his songs?
Ryan says: And what's up with Kanye West? Why is he so popular?
Caroline says: He ain't sayin' she's a golddigger
Ryan says: Well, sure, but besides that.
Solstice Observational Salutations
codecomments.com/VBScript/message350354.html">Ahem.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my wish for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct,
non-addictive, low stress, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, as well as the secular practices of your choice,
but with full respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.
And further, please accept my wish for a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the
calendar of choice of other cultures whose contribution to our diverse
society has helped make this country great (not to imply that USA is
necessarily greater than any other country, and without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, veteran status or
sexual orientation of the wisher, wishee or their third party
beneficiaries).
These wishes are limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a
period of approximately one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
Use of the term "Holiday" herein is not intended to, nor shall it be
considered to be, limited to Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances,
nor to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community group,
individual or belief (or lack thereof). In particular, the word "holiday" is
used herein without reference to its etymology.
Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable ab
initio at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or
for no reason.
This greeting is freely transferable provided that there is no alteration to
the original greeting text. Any transfer is to be at the risk of the
transferor who, by making such transfer, thereby agrees to hold the wishee
harmless from any and all adverse consequences resulting from such transfer.
This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually take any action
or fail to take any action to implement any of the wishes for the wishee
her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may
arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same.
This greeting is void where prohibited by law, custom or policy and is
offered irrespective of any card, hard copy greeting or embarrassing
self-indulgent letter summarizing achievements in 2005, however mendacious,
which may or may not have been purveyed by myself or any member of my
extended family.
Best (sorry, reasonably endeavored) Wishes.
author unknown
Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller. Dawson Miller.
December 22, 2005
I need to work on my wiping, apparently
Two more rings discovered around Uranus.
What I want to know is how the heck they knew that about me.
Lousy wire taps.
I Know It's Been Posted Everywhere
But this is still the coolest holiday light show since Jesus made that star thingy appear over his manger.
UPDATE: Oh yeah, I should also provide the story about the light display.
December 20, 2005
December 19, 2005
Sometimes an Ape is. . . Just an Ape
The political correctness crowd has gained a frightful headlock on today's society. They see racist and prejudicial undertones in everything from Hershey's Kisses to Christmas trees.
Case in point, King Kong is racist.
Lots of people say it is. And, if it is, why does the film keep getting remade? What does it say about us if the new 'Kong' is a huge hit?
Oh, I don't know, that a classic story, redone with modern computer generated animation, appeals to a movie-going audience that is young enough to not even realize that Hollywood is, once again, proving it's out of original thought? It's a movie about a huge, dangerous creature. Apparently, Jurassic Park was uber-racist.
And, LOTS OF PEOPLE SAY IT IS. Oh, well, lots of people also believe the earth is flat. Lots of people say the holocaust didn't happen. Lots of people read my blog. In other words, lots of people aren't all that bright.
Any movie that features white people sailing off to the Third World to capture a giant ape and carry it back to the West for exploitation is going to be seen as a metaphor for colonialism and racism.
Only if you're bound and determined to see it as such. Let's pretend, the storyline was reversed a little bit. Let's pretend the expedition was led by, say, Morgan Freeman. Would it still be a compelling and interesting narrative. YES. Because Morgan Freeman kicks ass, mostly.
Besides all that, where else are you most likely to find a massive ape? Downtown Chicago? The King Kong narrative requires a Third World nation because many Third World nations are largely unexplored and unknown.
That was true for the original in 1933 and for the two remakes: the campy one in 1976, and the latest, directed by Peter Jackson. (In addition, a "Kong" wannabe, "Mighty Joe Young," has been made twice.)
Movie reviewer David Edelstein, writing in Slate.com, notes the "implicit racism of 'King Kong' -- the implication that Kong stands for the black man brought in chains from a dark island (full of murderous primitive pagans) and with a penchant for skinny white blondes."
Uh, huh. And the implication that black men scale skyscrapers, knock planes out of the air, break the jaws of Tyrannasaurus Rex(es). All of these are trademark characteristics of your standard-issue African-American.
Indeed, a Google search using the words "King Kong racism" yielded 490,000 hits.
Oooh, a Google search contest! Let me try!
346,000 hits for "My+butt+stinks."
166,000 hits for "packers+suck+ass."
1,260,000 hits for "white+men+can't+jump+racism" Yes, really. Surprised me, too.
In other words, Google search results don't prove DICK.
Comparing the new film with the original, the Washington Post's Stephen Hunter observed, "It remains a parable of exploitation, cultural self-importance, the arrogance of the West, all issues that were obvious in the original but unexamined; they remain unexamined here, if more vivid."
If the Stephen Hunters of the world were left to craft the content coming out of Hollywood, we'd be inundated with three hour long boredom-fests featuring rich white men committing suicide out of guilty grief for their own good fortune.
Ah, and again with the arrogance of the West. Let's tweak the narrative again, shall we? Let's pretend it's a story about a Chinese expedition to the Tibetan plateau to investigate rumors of a gargantuan panda? Would it become the arrogance of the, er, East?
And by more vivid, Hunter might be referring to the natives of mythical Skull Island, where Kong is discovered. Director Jackson took people of Melanesian stock -- the dark-skinned peoples who are indigenous to much of the South Pacific, including Jackson's own country, New Zealand -- and made them up to look and act like monsters, more zombie-ish than human.
Yes, Jackson was originally going to go for a tribe of cultured white businessmen in suits drinking lattes. But then he realized, "oh, wait. . . "
Indeed, one is moved to compare these human devils to the ogre-ish Orcs from Jackson's mega-Oscar "Lord of the Rings" films. The bad guys are dark, hideous and undifferentiatedly evil.
It would have been better if the Orcs were portrayed as misunderstood, confused, and basically good-natured, if they only were given a fair shake. Jeezum crow. Now we're not only supposed to feel guilty for enjoying King Kong, but The Lord of The Rings as well.
One might note that the original source material for both films dates from the same period: "Kong" in '33, J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" four years later. Both works are ultimately meditations on the West and Western uniqueness. Which is to say, what's the role for white Europe -- and for its ethnic offshoot, North America -- in a world that is mostly nonwhite?
One might also note that both King Kong and The Hobbit emerged during the Great Depression, a particularly dark and brooding time for most of the world, a time of uncertainty and the rise to power of some unlikely nations. But never mind all that. No, this is all about racism.
Some would label such sentiments as racist, but others would note that every ethnicity naturally feels a special affection for its own kind.
I admit it. I admit it. I feel a special affection for the human race over apes. I'm not afraid to admit that.
Yet, in the West, outright invocations of white nationalism, such as the 1915 film "Birth of a Nation," were politically unacceptable, even in the '30s, and so the same race-conscious sentiments were encrypted into allegory -- in print or on celluloid.
Well, if you say so, man making gargantuan leaps in logic.
The new "Kong" drills home its race consciousness by making repeated references to Joseph Conrad's 1899 novel, "Heart of Darkness," which denigrates both the colonizing whites and colonized blacks. In the novel's climax, the once-idealistic character Kurtz writes of Africans, "Exterminate all the brutes!" Conrad presents Kurtz as crazy, but Africa is presented as a crazy-making place.
Okay, so far, the author of this piece has meandered from his original point of King Kong being racist, to the Lord of the Rings being racist, to Heart of Darkness, to. . . well, I'm not really sure what his point is any more.
The new Kong is, as always, a noble beast with a tender side. But, at the same time, his killing is presented as a cruel necessity. And at the end of the film, the white people -- love interests Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody -- are brought closer together, thanks to their brush with the big ape.
Again, I could care less if Jackson has cast two black people in the leading roles. It wouldn't change the story for me one bit. The fact that people like this piece's author are making such a stink about it seems to speak to their own prejudices more than anything. Good God, stick Halle Barry with Denzel Washington in there for all I care. Let's see a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!
But if the movie is so loaded with race-charged imagery, why isn't it being protested? Why aren't we seeing pickets and boycotts?
Hello?! Weren't you listening? There's a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!
Perhaps it's because today, as people look around the world, they see that most political strife is, in fact, ethnic strife. Folks like to say that "diversity is our strength," and they resolve to fight racism, but every day's news reminds us that ethnic conflict lurks in the human heart.
No, I like to say that. . . "LOOK! There's a 20-foot-tall, destructive, skyscraper-scaling ape, God damnit!"
That's a gloomy reality that "Kong" captures, in its crypto fashion, and so there's no point in getting worked up over it.
Finally! This guy makes some freakin' sense!
Indeed, since the film is entertaining -- like the similarly themed, much honored and extremely popular "Rings" movies of a few years back -- one might as well go see this one, too.
EXACTLY! So, what was the point of the rest of this column again?
IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE: This girl's really hot. That's right, Kyla Cole is hot. Kyla Cole is naked hot! Kyla Cole, Kyla Cole, Kyla Cole.
