August 23, 2011

Alien Ideas

Aliens have been in the news again recently. And, no, not the kind of aliens that pour across the Mexican border like tequila during spring break. I'm referring to the outer space kind of aliens--the kind of aliens that show up every four years on the cover of "Weekly World News" to endorse a presidential candidate. You know, THOSE aliens.

In one recent notable instance, a NASA scientist contributed his thoughts to a Penn State study entitled "Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit of Harm Humanity." In the study, a scenario was posited that aliens could preemptively destroy humanity to prevent us from exporting our global warming proclivities to other civilizations across the universe.

As if that hypothetical wasn't ludicrous enough, no less than the New York Times' economist-in-name-only Paul Krugman opined on CNN that the salve for our ongoing economic woes could be a "Twilight Zone"-inspired alien invasion threat to jump-start spending and energize American industry. As ridiculous as THAT sounds, it still makes more sense than the last round of stimulus spending.

Yes, both scenarios are fanciful and basically stupid, but both were also, unfortunately, broadcast into outer space, which means space aliens actually overheard this nonsense and had a pretty good laugh over it all.

How do I know this? Well, I'm a journalist, which means--in addition to keeping a list of earthly contacts--I also maintain a complex listening array in my basement that's capable of eavesdropping on alien conversations as far out as 1,869.24 light years. By chance, I happened to overhear the following dialogue taking place on an alien space cruiser orbiting a gas giant planet in the Orion Nebula.

TIX-INBLUM-MAXTIN (TIM): HAHAHAHA! You guys won't believe what's coming from that insignificant orb on the edge of the galaxy!

ARGL-N-DAX-YAM (ANDY): Oh, man, you're not still listening to what those self-important ants roaming that tiny rock are saying, are you?

RAGNL-ORGO-BOXOM (ROB): Seriously, give it a rest, already. We're supposed to be monitoring star formation in this sector, for crying out loud.

TIM: I can't help it! They're just so amusing! Listen to this: some NASA guy thinks aliens will attack their planet because of. . . get this. . . carbon dioxide emissions.

ANDY: Wait. . . didn't NASA just discontinue their shuttle program? They can't even launch people into space any more, and they think we care about carbon dioxide?

TIM: I KNOW, RIGHT?!!!! You wouldn't think it could get much more hilarious than that, but there's also some guy who thinks the threat of an alien invasion could save their economy!!!!

ROB: Seriously? They do realize we can create black holes capable of destroying even gas giants in .24 seconds, right?

TIM: Apparently not, which makes it all that much funnier!!

ANDY: Are they still allowing comment threads on their "YouTube" videos?

TIM: Ugh! Yes. They also allow comments on news articles. Forget carbon dioxide emissions; I'd advocate destroying their planet just to erase the stupidity of those comment threads.

ROB: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?

TIM and ANDY: How many?!!

ROB: No one knows, because they can't decide between incandescent bulbs or CFLs!!


Posted by Ryan at August 23, 2011 12:03 PM | TrackBack
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