April 19, 2010

Turdsterpiece Theater

Caroline: Oh, here's a great story for you. It involves poop.

Ryan: I'm all ears.

Caroline: Apparently B goes into the closet now to poop. He goes in and closes the doors and everything.

Ryan: How Tom Cruisey of him.

Caroline: So the other day he goes in there, but brings his sippy cup.

Ryan: Wait till he brings a magazine.

Caroline: Marc said it was the loudest poop he's ever heard B take. The grunting, that is.

Ryan: That's precious.

Caroline: Apparently, mid-grunt, B says "NO DRINK" and M heard the sippy cup hit the floor and B then continued to poop.

Ryan: LOLO!

Caroline: Right? Man did I LOLO when I heard that one.

Ryan: Oh shit! That's just too damned funny.

Caroline: And you know he was a-scowlin' and gruntin'.

Ryan: And I can totally imagine Marc doing the same thing.

Caroline: OMG, I know

Ryan: A good night out drinkin', and Marc the next day planted on the toilet, grunting and yelling "NO DRINK!"

Caroline: LOLO

Ryan: I have my own poop story to tell. But it's about me.

Caroline: Not surprising.

Ryan: So I drove home from work Thursday, and I turned the corner into Country Club Manor by the former Pump -N- Munch (now Andy's Liquor). And I see my father-in-law, Dave, pushing Aiden in his stroller, and I think "that should give me plenty of time to get home and poop."

Caroline: foreshadow'd!

Ryan: So, I get home, change out of my work clothes, fire up Texas Hold-Em on the Zune, and hunker down for a good dumpy do. And it was a GOOD dumpy do. Five stars. I look out the window and see Dave and Aiden ambling up the sidewalk, so I figure it's time to wrap things up.

Ryan: I flush. Nada.

Ryan: I flush again. Nada.

Caroline: Ay dios mio!

Ryan: I just KNOW Dave is going to probably pee first thing when he gets in the house, and I totally don't want him seeing THAT.

Ryan: For reasons that escape me, we don't own a plunger.

Caroline: heh

Ryan: So, I grab the next best thing: a toilet brush.

Ryan: Dave's now coming up the outside steps. I start breaking apart my uber turd with the toilet brush.

Caroline: This is pretty disgusting.

Caroline: But, you're Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, it gets better.

Ryan: I eventually get Monstro The Wonder Turd broken up, and I used the brush as a kind of plunger to get the plumbing working again. Dave's now in the house, putting Aiden in his Jumperoo.

Ryan: As you might imagine, the toilet brush is now a filthy instrument.

Caroline: Ugh

Ryan: So, I'm waiting for the toilet to refill so I can swish the brush around and dislodge the clinging poop.

Ryan: To jumpstart the process, I tap the brush handle on the bowl.

Caroline: oh, god

Ryan: Of course, poop splatters the wall.

Caroline: Natch

Ryan: Dave walks by the bathroom; the door being open because I figured I had plenty of time.

Ryan: I'm standing there with a poop covered toilet brush, with poop on the wall.

Ryan: What do I say?

Ryan: "I'll just be a minute, Dave, I'm cleaning the toilet."

Ryan: Which is basically the adult equivalent of "NO DRINK!"

Ryan: Dave, not missing a beat, says "Take your time; it looks like it really needs it."

Caroline: LOLO! Awky

Ryan: This has been your Monday installment of "Turdsterpiece Theater."

Caroline: Never disappointing.

Posted by Ryan at April 19, 2010 08:45 PM | TrackBack

You're supposed to keep a wire hanger nearby to cut it up with.

Posted by: Keith at April 28, 2010 10:47 AM
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