October 19, 2009

Much ado about poo

With just over a month now under my belt as a father, I've come to appreciate many of the precious nuances that come with having an infant human being in the house.

Most specifically, I've learned that newborn babies tend to poop a lot. And, by a lot, I mean they tend to poop pretty much all the time, basically nonstop.

To put it another way, while I don't personally know the exact ingredients that make up the wonder that is human breast milk, massive evidence obtained (and quickly discarded) over the past several weeks indicates about 75 percent of the chemical make-up of breast milk is, in fact, one of the most potent laxatives known to man.

To anyone who has known me over the years, or if you're that one person who reads this blog on occasion, it's no secret that I'm a huge fan of writing about poop, and making poop jokes whenever the chance presents itself, no matter how inappropriate. Having been such a devoted fan of poop humor, it's nevertheless a bit disconcerting to suddenly have to deal with so much poop, continually, over a 24-hour cycle. Dare I say it, poop is starting to lose some of its humorous allure to me.

My personal decline in poop humor allure has not diminished the baby's enthusiasm for dabbling in the medium in the least. Each day, it seems, he discovers new and horrifying ways to decorate his diapers--which, by the way, he goes through like a cartoon billionaire using dollar bills to light cigars.

The baby's gift for artistic fecal self-expression is not limited to diapers, either. Indeed, he takes every opportunity once he's free of a diaper to paint with reckless abandon any surface that may be in his little buttock crosshairs. Many changing table cloths have borne witness to the Picasso-esque expulsions I've been unable to capture on the diaper canvass of choice.

Oh, and here's a bit of trivia I wasn't aware of until recently: a crying baby is drastically more likely to also be a pooping baby. I discovered this fact completely by accident. You see, initially, I thought it was good practice to change the baby's diaper BEFORE he started to cry. I quickly realized, however, if the baby started crying whilst on the changing table, there's a 95 percent chance he'll start pooping. Apparently, the convulsive muscles utilized for infant crying are the same ones used to release an infant's bowels. I'm sure there's an evolutionary reason for this, but darned if I know what it is.

The baby is also gifted when it comes to techniques of distraction. For example, it's not uncommon to remove a diaper and almost immediately have to deal with a sudden, and unexpectedly forceful, stream of pee. The baby often uses the few seconds of urinary distraction to expel whatever remaining contents may be lurking in his bowels which, more often than not, is a surprising amount.

I've taken part in diaper-changing sessions where the baby went through three diapers, several wipes AND a changing table cloth. This baby doesn't just create poop; I suspect he may actually BE poop. It's the only way to explain the poop quantities I've had to deal with.

To dispose of all this infant artwork, we have on hand what's called a Diaper Genie, which is good, as far as it goes, but this child needs something along the lines of a Diaper Dumbledore--SOMETHING that packs a little more magic.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I have to go change a diaper.

Posted by Ryan at October 19, 2009 05:41 PM | TrackBack

"Dare I say it, poop is starting to lose some of its humorous allure to me."
NOOOOOO!!!!! Say it ain't so!!!
LOL, this is one of your funniest posts ever. LOL

Posted by: Donna at October 20, 2009 09:17 AM

i'm with donna. i mean, i knew fatherhood would change you, but i never expected to read that sentence.

Posted by: amy.leblanc at November 3, 2009 03:37 PM
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