June 18, 2009

Buying a Car: The American Way

Are you thinking about buying a new car that's not produced by evil corporations? Is your old car a gas guzzling behemoth that makes you ashamed to be a denizen upon the face of Mother Gaia? If you answered "Yes" to either of these questions, then you may be an ideal consumer for the new vehicle models being created by Government Motor Works (GMW).

Yes, since the U.S. government stepped in and started throwing gobs of taxpayer money at failing automobile manufacturers and basically took over, government officials have been working tirelessly to design and create the kind of efficient and affordable vehicles you've come to expect from bureaucratic policy wonks.

Take, for example, the 2009 Chevy Bailout, a four door sedan capable of travelling 76 miles on a single thimble-full of bovine flatulence, provided you don't exceed the government-mandated top speed of 10 miles per hour. The Bailout, unfortunately, is a bit expensive, but thanks to our revolutionary GMW payment structure, your payments will be extremely affordable. And, even though the payments will be lifelong and infuriating, you'll be able to rest easy knowing your children and their children will also be making lifelong payments on your purchase.

Not interested in the Bailout? Then you may be interested in holding out for the 2010 Buick Stimulus. The design of this minivan, which can be converted into both a pick-up truck and an RV, is revolutionary in many regards. The Stimulus's most revolutionary aspect stems from the designers being totally incapable of explaining why many Stimulus features were even necessary, or how they were beneficial in any discernable way. For example, 12 cup holders on both the front and back bumpers seem completely unnecessary, and they probably are, but at least they're there if ever they're needed.

If there's one thing GMW is interested in, it's providing automobiles that are environmentally friendly. To that end, we've developed the 2009 Cadillac Bolt. The Bolt is entirely run on electricity. "So what?" you ask. "Electric cars are nothing new." Not so. The Bolt is not only run on electricity, its sole fuel source is lightning. A single bolt of lightning can power the Bolt for 350 miles. Unfortunately, you have to be lucky enough to have your Bolt struck by lightning, so it's important to keep a thunderstorm nearby at all times. Also, since it's still very rare for a Bolt to get hit by lightning, all Cadillac Bolts are connected via a grid that allows each vehicle to share the fuel of other Bolts. When you factor that in, you can expect to travel about 25 miles before you have to pay an additional GMW fee to siphon fuel from the grid. Although inconvenient and fairly expensive, we at GMW feel it's in the interests of the greater good.

If the Bolt's not your thing, then perhaps you'll be swayed by the 2010 Chevy Breeze, the first ever vehicle powered entirely by wind. The Breeze's exterior consists of several hundred tiny windmills, capable of generating many watts per day, provided you're travelling through America's tornado alley. The Breeze is capable of a top speed of about 8 mph, so long as you're going downhill with a healthy tornado providing backwind. While the Breeze generally lacks enough power to generate forward motion, the vehicle comes equipped with a convenient hole in the driver's side floor — an innovation we call the Flintstone Panel — that allows the driver to provide momentum using human foot power.

These are but a few examples of the wondrous spectrum of fuel-efficient, environmentally-friendly vehicles we have in the works here at GMW. With your taxpayer money, we're ensuring a green future that's largely undefined and provides the government with more access into your daily life, which is always, always a good thing.

Posted by Ryan at June 18, 2009 10:29 AM | TrackBack
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