January 13, 2009

Phoning it in

I received a new cell phone in the mail last week. Mind you, The Wife requested new cell phones, lest you think phone companies have begun bombarding households with new cell phones every other day, which would be kind of an interesting distraction, now that I think about it, but never mind.

You see, The Wife has a tendency to regularly drop her phone, which probably has something to do with her right hand consisting entirely of thumbs; okay, she's just clumsy. At any rate, she dropped her old phone enough times that it had finally started malfunctioning like R2-D2 after a super jolt of electricity. And, because we're on some sort of dual shared cell phone plan, I received a new cell phone along with her new cell phone (even though my old phone was working just fine, thank you very much).

As I've stated before, I hate phones. My preferred medium of conversation is absolute silence. If that's not possible, I like to convey my messages via the written word. In other words, I'm an e-mail guy, or an instant message guy or, if necessary, a FaceBook guy. I am not, I should note, a texting guy; how people can keep solid friendships alive through texting is frankly beyond me.

Getting back to the original point, I now have a new phone. It's a nice enough phone, I guess. Rather than the flip-open phone I used to have, the new phone is one of those slide-open units that seemed so hip two years ago. It's kind of frustrating, actually; after training myself to open my flip phone with quick wrist twist, the new phone requires a whole new maneuver I haven't yet mastered--kind of like hailing a cab motion mixed with a Spiderman web sling. It's very complex, trust me.

The thing about cell phones that continues to bother me is they haven't yet leaped that technological hurdle that allows seamless back and forth communication. With cell phones, only one person can speak at a time. If both participants try to speak at once, the words collide up on some orbiting sattelite and cancel each other out completely. Under current cell phone technology, the following conversation is common:

ME: It's funny you should mention that, because. . .

OTHER PERSON: What did you think about. . .

ME: I'm sorry, what were you say. . .

OTHER PERSON: Nothing. Go ahead and tell me. . .

ME: No, wait, seriously, you were saying something about. . .

OTHER PERSON: It was nothing, please go ahead and. . .

ME: *pause*


ME: Are you still there?

OTHER PERSON: Yeah! Yeah I'm here!

ME: Oh, good! As I was saying, I . . .

OTHER PERSON: I was going to tell you about. . .

And it kind of goes on and on like that until you're able to establish a rhythm. Come to think of it, this may be why texting is so danged popular. . . at least you're able to complete a thought. ROTHFLMAO!

Another thing about two years worth of cell phone innovation is that the new phone now has all these bells and whistles, like the ability to play music and record digital video, which would be great if I suddenly found myself in a Hollywood producer's office and wanted to pitch my great idea for a movie version of "Doogie Howser, M.D." Otherwise, such additional functionality is basically useless. It's like they're trying to disguise the fact the device basically fails at being. . . you know. . . A PHONE!

So, yeah, I now have a new phone. If you really want to reach me, however, you'll probably be able find me on FaceBook.

Posted by Ryan at January 13, 2009 05:38 AM | TrackBack
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