March 12, 2008

Going Commando

Last night, I happened to catch the last 45 minutes of that 80's classic AHNULD movie, Commando. I freakin' LOVED that movie when I was ten years old. I mean, it featured EVERYTHING a pre-pubescent boy weakling could hope for. First off, there was AHNULD at the peak of his muscled musculature, which for whatever reason gave us weaklings an uncertain sense of hope for our future. There was Alyssa Milano, who any boy of my age at that time desperately wanted, even though we weren't particularly sure what we'd do if we actually HAD her, but she still made us think strange and wonderful thoughts in bed at night. There was Rae Dawn Chong, who we all just generally understood was supposed to be pretty hot. And guns, guns, GUNS and killing and impossible M-60 hip shots!

Fast forward 23 years to last night. MY GOD is that movie a horrid piece of bat guano! It's just so BAD! How was it possible I at one point in my life actually bought the character of Bennett as a tough bad guy? I mean, the guy was wearing a chain mail vest, shiny black chaps, and he had a porno guy's moustache. Seriously, look at the guy:


He's one dog chain away from being the next member of the Village People. I thought THAT was the definition of a bad-assed villian? Holy Jeebus. Oh, and I couldn't believe it took me until last night to make the connection that Bennett was also Lord General from Weird Science, from the same freakin' year:


My God. You wouldn't believe how many happy childhood memories went up in nostalgic smoke last night. Even that scene when AHNULD goes ashore with the inflatable raft. Why the Speedo? Why? WHY?! He's going ashore on an island that's fortified and manned by, roughly, 8,000 armed guerillas, or henchmen, or whatever you want to call them--for the purposes of the movie, I guess you can call them "inevitable corpses"--and his clothing of choice for storming the beach is a freakin' Speedo?!

At any rate, there was a moment last night when I was just shocked into silence at the pure dipshittery of that movie, and it made me kinda sad. Oh, and seeing Alyssa Milano as a kid again, and remembering all those awkward childhood nights thinking naughty thoughts about her, made me feel kind of. . . well. . . I don't want to talk about it.

Posted by Ryan at March 12, 2008 11:23 AM | TrackBack

When Commando came out, I knew EXACTLY what I would do to Alyssa Milano. You must have been gay back then.

Speaking of gay, the first time I ever saw that movie, I assumed that Bennett was played by Fredie Mercury.

Posted by: LearnedFoot at March 12, 2008 11:34 AM

Freddie Mercury. HA! I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.

Oh, and I had a good idea what I was SUPPOSED to do with Milano, but at 10 years old, it just didn't seem that feasible.

Posted by: Ryan at March 12, 2008 12:07 PM

Remember when I said I'd kill you last?

I lied.

Anyway, I bought that movie on DVD in a bargain bin or something a few years back. Watching it for the first time since the 80s, I realized quickly how bad it was. And not even in a "so bad its good" (which I think has less and less appeal as I get older) way, but just in a "why am I wasting my time watching this shit" way.

Posted by: David Grenier at March 12, 2008 12:14 PM

It's too bad you actually paid money for it, David. Granted, it was in a bargain bin, but still. . . you paid money.

Posted by: Ryan at March 12, 2008 12:53 PM

"Oh, and I couldn't believe it took me until last night to make the connection that Bennett was also Lord General from Weird Science, from the same freakin' year:"

I think it's funny that you look at him and think "Weird Science," because, of course, I look at that photo and my first thought is, "Holy shit, it's the crazy gay biker bad guy from Road Warrior!"

I guess that's our 4 year age difference right there. Or maybe just my taste in movies.

In any event, his breakthrough role in Road Warrior was explicitly gay, at a time when being gay was still illegal in plenty of Western countries, so I'm guessing he had a personal investment in the issue that might shape his resume and his performances a bit.

Posted by: Joshua at March 13, 2008 09:20 AM

From Vernon Wells' biography on IMDB:

Refers to "Captain Bennett," his Commando (1985) character, as "Freddie Mercury on steroids."

So, evidently not something he was unaware of.

Posted by: Joshua at March 13, 2008 09:39 AM

Yep, sad to say, and I know this is almost hard to believe, I've never even seen "Road Warrior."

Posted by: Ryan at March 13, 2008 09:45 AM

I know I'm gonna get crucified for this, but you're not missing much.

It's not horrible, but really, seeing it as an adult in 2008 is simply not going to have the same impact as seeing it when you're 12 in the 80s.

Posted by: David Grenier at March 13, 2008 11:33 AM

I grew up with a copy of The Road Warrior on tape so I've probably seen it 80 times. And I never even thought Wez (I believe that was the uber-pyscho biker gay guy) was Bennett.

Commando is and was awful but I liked it the first I saw it because Arnold cut some bad guy's head off with a thrown circular saw blade and THAT stuck with me. Oh yeah, and Alyssa Milano was in it.

Truthfully, alot of Arnold's movies suck. They sucked when they were released and they suck more now and it sucks EVEN more that he uses cliched movie lines when he speaks as our Governor. Now I refuse to watch his movies because I have zero respect for the guy or his beliefs (same for Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson for that matter).

Posted by: Erik at March 14, 2008 01:07 PM
StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!