February 28, 2008


All right, I don't know how else to set this up, so I'll just come right out and say it: on the drive into work this morning, there was a pair of pants in the middle of one of the intersections.

Now, most of you are probably saying "so what?" Well, I'll tell you what: a pair of pants in the middle of a busy intersection encountered on the way into work is a subject of endless distraction for someone like myself.

I mean, seriously, it was a pair of pants. Jeans. In the MIDDLE of a busy intersection. How the heck did a pair of pants end up there?! There was no underwear or any other clothing that I could see, but then again I only had a few seconds to survey the scene. After that, I had about four miles of driving time to sit there and come up with all sorts of scenarios to explain how a crumpled pair of pants ended up being driven over by countless vehicles and, let me tell you, none of those scenarios left me feeling very hopeful for whoever left those pants behind.

Perhaps a sexually insatiable couple found themselves at an unacceptably long red light the night before and threw caution to the wind, giving into their coital yearnings right there in the intersection, with one of them absentmindedly tossing their pants out the window. At the very least, a man or woman had to sneak their way back into their home, trying to keep their private parts hidden from prying eyes.

But, maybe it was more sinister than that. What if the pants in the road were all that remained of a hold-up the previous night? A gunman perhaps bided his time until a likely vehicle rolled to a stop, at which point he rushed the vehicle and instructed the driver to remove their pants, and then cleaned the pants of any valuables, ditched the pants, and made a run for it.

Or, maybe, most confusing of all, someone just decided to get rid of their pants, right there in the middle of a busy intersection. This possibility is perhaps the most concerning to me, because it leaves more questions than answers. From my own personal experience with sudden bowel movements, I can see some scenarios that may warrant an emergency ejection of monumentally soiled pants, but the pants I saw this morning didn't look like they were the victim of such a sudden soilage. In fact, aside from probably being driven over for several hours, the pants in the intersection looked fairly intact and clean, which just made me think about them all the more.

It wasn't like I was looking at a crime scene, or anything like that, as far as I knew. But, still, those pants could have been a CLUE to something. Certainly, at the very least, there was a REASON they were all crumpled up in the intersection like that. Those pants had a story to tell. Those pants were reaching out to me, so to speak.

And the moral of this story is: don't throw your pants into a busy intersection, because they're more distracting than trying to drive and talk into three cell phones at once.

For some people.

Posted by Ryan at February 28, 2008 09:43 AM | TrackBack

You told a lot of stories as a kid, didn't you?

Posted by: Autumn at February 28, 2008 10:04 AM

Now, if only I could channel this gift into the next "Harry Potter" phenomenon. . .

Posted by: Ryan at February 28, 2008 10:08 AM

I always like it when I come across one random lost shoe down in the slough where I walk my dog. I mean, how can you not notice you have only one shoe on? Unless they were utterly shitfaced and drunk and then its pretty easy to understand.

And yeah, I'm easily distracted for hours by odd things people lose on the streets too.

Posted by: Erik at February 28, 2008 12:02 PM

I've been noticing this kind of shit for years. At one point, there were shoes everywhere, I counted 24 shoes on the freeway one day. Why? Where do they come from? It still fucks me up. My whole family laughs at me now, and tell me that it is all just a conspiracy to fuck with my head ----because it DOES. Why one shoe? Where is the other? Where is the owner? Why on the freeway where no one walks? Why are there so damn many? It just freaks me out! If someone knows, please tell me!

Posted by: Donna at February 29, 2008 09:41 AM
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