May 29, 2007


STAGE ONE: Person discovers blog comment engine/Internet forum.

STAGE TWO: Person makes first-ever comment, making their opinion known about the topic of discussion.

STAGE TWO: Person sees a comment in response to their comment and feels compelled by some unknown force of commenting magnetism to respond to the response.

STAGE THREE: Person becomes obsessive about stating and defending their position on every topic ranging from politics to the correct way to fill soap dispensers.

STAGE FOUR: Person starts making comments on more and more Internet sites, seemingly unable to resist the urge to make their opinions known and to defend them over as wide a range as possible.

STAGE FIVE: Person starts believing they're actually "making a difference," when they comment and defend themselves. However, when the person tries to explain their online activities to people offline, they're often flabbergasted at the level to which most everyone both A) Don't know what they're talking about or B) Care.

STAGE SIX: Internet commenter finds themselves with numerous browsers open at the same time, with one always set to Google, so they can state their opinion and defend themselves readily. At STAGE SIX, the Internet commenting addiction now manifests itself within the commenter to such a degree that the commenter utilizes expletives and insults that are completely at odds with their offline persona.

STAGE SEVEN: Internet commenter is convinced they're correct about anything, and anybody who disagrees with them is obviously an idiot. At STAGE SEVEN, there's simply no room for debate about anything. Everyone with an opinion that differs in the slightest is dismissed offhand as a "fuck-tard," or a "shit-brain." Offline, the commenter starts to bemoan the fact the real-world continues to A) Not know what they're talking about or B) Care.

STAGE EIGHT: Having been commenting for months, and even in some cases starting their own blog to better frame their opinions, the Internet commenter has become dangerously unaware how extreme their opinions have become and that there's a pretty lengthy digital trail that can be followed to link them to their often bat-shit insane stances on many issues.

STAGE NINE: A presidential campaign taps the Internet commenter to be their public blogging voice, unaware the commenter is, in fact, a cum-guzzling boozehound. Not surprisingly, things don't work out.

It's at this point where the Internet commenter either reverts back to STAGE EIGHT into perpetuity (as in the case of a certain cum-guzzling boozehound), or advances to:

STAGE TEN: Internet commenter continues to comment vigorously for several months after their STAGE NINE apex, but the high that usually came with posting comments and believing oneself to be a paragon of unassailably brilliant opinionating has worn off a bit.

STAGE ELEVEN: Commenter gradually starts to realize, simultaneously, that A) "What's the fucking point? and B) "Holy shit I've wasted a lot of time commenting about crap that doesn't matter; no WONDER nobody offline knew or cared about what I was talking about."

STAGE TWELVE: After considerable reflection, commenter comes to complete terms with their online addition and realizes that all people who disagree with them aren't "racist goat-fuckers" and can actually be pretty darned nice people, which the commenter would have realized all those months ago if they'd paid more attention to the offline world and actual, you know, PEOPLE.

STAGE THIRTEEN: Internet commenter starts engaging with real people again, and is humbled to realize the reason they haven't gotten laid in months was because so many dates consisted of the commenter talking about shit A) Nobody knew about or B) Cared about, and therefore generally viewed them as boring at best or bat-shit insane at worst.

STAGE FOURTEEN: Former Internet commenter has first successful string of dates in months, culminating in a bed-rocking bout of unbridled exchanging of bodily fluids. Former Internet commenter notes how much more fulfilling sex is with another person, rather than the self-stimulation in front of a flickering computer screen they had gotten so used to.

*NOTE: These stages are not definite, and some commenters will no doubt have different experiences.

Posted by Ryan at May 29, 2007 02:56 PM | TrackBack

Notice how everyone is now afraid to comment? (This isn't a comment btw, it's an observation, yeah, that's it!)

Posted by: Donna at June 1, 2007 05:09 AM

No, Donna, that was a comment, and you are a shit brain. Or a fuck-tard. I forget which. But, regardless, I'm right.

Ha! Pwn3d!

Posted by: LearnedFoot at June 1, 2007 07:12 AM

Still at stage 7, I see, lol.

Posted by: Donna at June 3, 2007 06:53 AM
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