May 10, 2007

We'll Always Have Paris

Let's face it. We run-of-the-mill human beings live fairly hum-drum
existences. Most of us wake up, go back to sleep, wake up again,
realize we're late for work, tear our faces apart shaving in haste,
run three red lights on the way to the office, sit in front of a
computer for eight straight hours developing astigmatism, come home,
eat something unhealthy and retire for the evening.

Okay, I may be projecting. My experience may differ a bit from the
rest of you. Nevertheless, I'm always able to handle the rut that is
my life with my head held high thanks to the tireless antics of our
nation's celebrities.

This week, the nation turned its attention towards one Paris Hilton.
For those of you who have been living in a cave, on Mars, with your
fingers in your ears, here's a quick run-down on who (or what) Paris
Hilton is.

Paris Hilton's earliest most notable achievement was being born to
Rick and Kathy Hilton, the heirs to the Hilton hotel empire. Paris's
only other achievement was to perform the act that led to her
conception on film with one of her many now-ex-boyfriends. The video,
which circulated around the Internet and was even sold under the title
"One Night In Paris," catapulted Ms. Hilton from her cushy career as a
trust-fund socialite to the lofty position of America's Easiest Trust
Fund Socialite, making her enormously popular with countless teenage
boys who believed, deep down, they too could one day make a tape with

As with most trust fund socialites, and particularly America's Easiest
Trust Fund Socialite, Paris has grueling obligations, which includes
getting incredibly drunk in public venues and making a general fool of
herself pretty much on a weekly basis. These obligations, though
admittedly difficult, keep her in continual high standing with
America's teenage boys, and a role model for our nation's teenage

Alas, the American legal system just couldn't resist butting in and
putting a damper on the lifestyle of our favorite freewheeling trust
fund socialite. After having her license suspended for driving under
the influence—which, as I explained, is part of her obligations to her
fans—Paris decided "suspended" means "go ahead and drive all you

Well, if you can believe it, an uppity judge went and decided Ms.
Hilton "broke the law" while fulfilling her socialite obligations and
sentenced her to 45 days in a California county jail, beginning June

Prior to sentencing, Hilton showed she could well be the best orator
since Cicero, when she passionately explained "I'm very sorry and from
now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry
and I did not do it on purpose at all."

Showing why she should be nominated "Mother of the Year," Hilton's
mother reportedly spoke out against the judge after the sentencing,
asking "May I have your autograph?," indicating she believed the judge
unfairly singled out her daughter in an effort to increase his own
celebrity standing. amazingly, this apparently failed to sway the
judge's sentencing.

Not content to go softly into that small jail cell, Paris then tried
to rally her fans around her, preparing a petition signed by countless
teenage boys and girls that was then sent on to California governor,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the hopes the good actor-turned-politician
could find it within himself to issue a pardon to the partying Paris.
According to one headline covering this development, "Paris' pardon
plea was laughed out of the governor's office."

So, reading about all this unfolding drama is how I managed to get
through my non-trust fund socialite existence last week, and I simply
can't wait for June 5 to roll around.

Posted by Ryan at May 10, 2007 10:13 PM | TrackBack
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