December 09, 2004

Women I'd Like To Pork

Ryan says: Newsflash. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan, that breasty redhead teen heart-throb, can't sing for shit:,2933,140970,00.html

Caroline says: duh

Ryan says: She's still hot though. I'd do her.

Ryan says: Which is kind of like saying "I'll breathe air today."

Caroline says: Oh, c'mon. You wouldn't do just anyone.

Ryan says: Well, no, but it's common sense that I'd pork Lohan, if the opportunity presented itself.

Caroline says: ok

Ryan says: Kind of like you and Steve Buscemi.

Caroline says: she's not that pretty without makeup

Ryan says: So?

Ryan says: It's not like I'd stick around long enough to see her without makeup.

Ryan says: Salma Hayek is still tops, of course.

Ryan says: Or bottom, if she prefers that.

Ryan says: But Lohan is still hot. Especially when she shows off her bodyLohan . Or her Lohan breast, for that matter. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan. Girl.

Posted by Ryan at December 9, 2004 11:06 AM

my wife and i have a list of people that are exceptions to the monogamy thing. my list is topped with gillian anderson and, i think, her’s is headlined by brad pitt.

i'm not sure any of this would hold up in court.

Posted by: seed at December 9, 2004 01:19 PM

She's a cutie, that's for sure.

Did you know there's a tribe that actually worships Salma Hayek? Because they got shown Desperado?

And yeah, I might be given to worship if that were my only exposure. But the fact that she's an incredible bitch in person sort of dissuades me from idolatry. I'd still hit it though. Oh yeah!

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at December 9, 2004 01:27 PM

i'd pay to help you push, hell yeah.

Posted by: seed at December 9, 2004 01:53 PM

Lyndsay Lohan? Euch. I think that actually falls more under the category of children you'd like to pork.

Posted by: Joshua at December 9, 2004 03:43 PM

nope, lindsay clears the state books, she's eighteen.

Posted by: seed at December 9, 2004 04:00 PM

Whatever. If I'd caught a 30 year old guy porking my little sister when she was 18 I'd've castrated him with a wooden spoon.

Posted by: Joshua at December 9, 2004 04:17 PM

Oh, come on, Joshua. For as much weaponry as you carry around, using a wooden spoon seems somehow primitive, and more work than it's worth. And, really, you don't want to beat up a man's genitals any longer than you have to.

Unless you're into that.

Posted by: Ryan at December 9, 2004 04:23 PM

Did you know this was coming out or are you just THAT good?
For You Ryan

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at December 9, 2004 05:57 PM

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Chuck, offline, about a similar thing. He being new to the fatherhood thing and all, we got into discussing the latest female fashions, the lack of clothing, lowering waistlines. We came to the conclusion that low rider jeans, for all practical purposes, give a viewer a very good insight into what certain sexual positions might look like. I quickly added in the age factor, and then inquired about his thoughts on the matter, in relation to his daughter.

We were both willing to admit that we like the quasi-young and the modern vantage points permitted. Until he aimed that same logic on his daughter, which is understandable. He immediately went down the "I'd kill any fucker…"

The question we couldn't answer was when does a young female sibling, or daughter become able to do the bumpy-dance without fear of retribution from a father or brother, excluding incidents that go against her own will of course?

Posted by: seed at December 9, 2004 06:59 PM

My little sister was doing the bumpy dance when she was 14. Since I started at 15 and was considered a late bloomer by the cultural standards of our people, I didn't hold it against her. But the guys she was bumping were approximately her age.

It's more a question, in my mind, of when the 12 year age difference becomes non-exploitive.

Ryan-- dialogue from that awful Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner:

Sheriff (yelling after the escaping Robin Hood): I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon!

de Guy (later, with the Sheriff): Why a spoon? I mean why not a dirk or a dagger?

Sheriff (exasperated): Because if I use a spoon it will hurt more, you moron.

de Guy: Oh. Yes. I see.

Posted by: Joshua at December 10, 2004 09:57 AM

seed, that's exactly why I'm glad we had a boy first. I don't have to worry about that happening for a while. But I'm pretty sure we'll have a girl next time and then I have to start honing my "gruff and dangerous" dad image for when she does start dating.

I think I'm going to go with the Uncle Buck mode, shiny hatchets and the like.

But to answer your question, I don't think there's any age that a dad wouldn't have an urge to go thrash someone grinding on their daughter. But maybe that's just me.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at December 10, 2004 12:14 PM

Yeah, but what if it's the dad grinding on his daughter? Then it's okay, right?

Ugh. I need to go shower after that.

Posted by: Ryan at December 10, 2004 12:17 PM

ryan's use of the verb pork reeks of self-satisfaction, for sure. whether or not ms. lohan is exploited depends on her personal tastes.

i also find it ironic that i happen to be typing this with a pork burrito inn my left hand.

Posted by: seed at December 10, 2004 02:11 PM

Actually, seed, the title to this post was inpired by the coffee table book that one guy wrote in the movie "Throw Momma From The Train." "100 Girls I'd Like To Pork," or something like that.

Posted by: Ryan at December 10, 2004 03:11 PM
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