Rambling Rhodes

Discussing The Real Issues

In an unprecedented coup for a blogger, I, Ryan Rhodes, also known as a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness, was able to sit down with both Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry and President George W. Bush.

Because both campaigns seem to have lost focus when it comes to discussing the real issues facing America today, I took it upon myself to ask both men the probing questions that need to be asked during this politically-charged election year.

RYAN RHODES: Thank you both so much for meeting with me today. I'd like to start off by asking a question that neither of you has yet addressed. Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi, and why? Mr. Bush?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm glad you asked that question, Double R. Can I call you Double R?

RYAN RHODES: Well, actually, if you could call me Ryan, that would be. . .

PRESIDENT BUSH: Anyway, Double R, I've always preferred Pepsi, to be honest with you. Pepsi just has a certain carbonationiferousness I enjoy. Also, the colors of Pepsi are a patriotic red, white and blue, unlike that Communist red and white Coca-Cola color scheme. Coke just screams hammer and sickle, I think. I'm an American patriot, so I don't have time to drink Commie-Cola.

RYAN RHODES: Er, thank you, Mr. President. Senator Kerry?

SENATOR KERRY: Well, Mr. Rhodes, I have to tell you, the Coke versus Pepsi conflict is one that requires a lot of thought and introspection. You have to understand both sides of the issue before you can formulate an opinion. For example, I liked Pepsi before I started liking Coke, but I only started liking Coke after I consulted with top executives from both Pepsi and Coke. Whoops. I was just informed by one of my campaign managers that I do, in fact, like Coke and Pepsi equally.

RYAN RHODES: Very well. I have here a couple of pictures of women I think are extremely good looking. Who do you think is better looking: Salma Hayek or Summer Glau?

SENATOR KERRY: Well, one's own personal concept of beauty is very subjective. Some people may like curvaciously-stunning Hayek over the near-perfection of Berry. Back when I served in Vietnam, between running over to Cambodia during secret CIA missions and conducting sniper assignments targeting Ho Chi Minh, I didn't have much time to think about female beauty. I think it's safe to say, nowadays, that I like Summer Glau and Salma Hayek pretty much equally.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You see, Double R, Summer Glau is definitely hot. Back in my heavy partying days, when I was 35 or so, I can't remember--those years are still pretty hazy--I knew a few ladies who looked just like Summer Glau. They didn't like me much, but that didn't keep me from looking. Salma Hayek's great looking, too, but Summer Glau just knocks my boots off. Back in Crawford, Texas, she'd be known as a "Hawwwteeeee."

RYAN RHODES: On a more serious note, this election cycle has seen some pretty negative campaigning on both sides. What do you think should be done to improve the tone of political discourse in our country?

SENATOR KERRY: I'm all for a more civil tone in Washington, and in America in general. I mean, sure, it's easier to run a negative campaign. I could, I suppose, call President Bush a warmongering goose-stepping fascist doofus with bad breath and frumpy hair. But, you see, I'm above that.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Likewise, it would be easier if my campaign could just out-and-out call Kerry a botox-injecting, issue waffling, ketchup-eating, Vietnam-fantasizer who has all the charisma and personality of a clogged toilet, but that would be wrong.

SENATOR KERRY: Why you little. . .

PRESIDENT BUSH: Bring 'em on!

*Kerry and Bush slap at each other in a very undignified, girl-like fashion*

PRESIDENT BUSH: Appeaser!

SENATOR KERRY: Misleader!

RYAN RHODES: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please!

SENATOR KERRY: That's it! I've had it! I can no longer stand being in the same blog with this wretched excuse for a president! I'll just take my lucky CIA cap and be on my way. Good day, sirs. Vote Kerry!

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm outta here, too! I have a terror alert level that I've been itching to ratchet up to "Orange." It was a pleasure speaking with you, Double R. Vote Bush!

Posted by Ryan at September 13, 2004 11:26 AM