August 02, 2004

Kerry Campaign Questions Election Timing

November Election Viewed As Politically Expedient For Bush

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- Following alegations by former Vermont govenor and failed presidential candidate Howard Dean that the recent terror warnings were timed politically to compete with Kerry's momentum following the Democratic National Convention, staffers in the Kerry campaign came forward questioning the timing of the November elections.

With the presidential election not scheduled to take place for nearly three months, many in the Kerry camp believe that such an elapse of time provides Bush with the window he needs to bring his polling numbers up.

"I mean, that's what, like, almost a quarter of a year for Bush to wiggle around in," said George A. Akerlof, a Nobel prize-winning economist and Kerry adviser. "That's just pretty convenient timing, don't you think? The election should be held this week. . . today. I've had enough of all this suspicious political timing stuff that's going on. Those Bush people will manipulate the timing of just about anything."

When reminded that the November election will take place as per the guidelines set forth in the Constitution, Akerlof scoffed "yeah, and doesn't that just seem pretty suspiciously convenient, too? Oh, we can't hold the election today because it's in the Constitution, eh? Pretty sneaky. Those Bush folks are so shameless."

Posted by Ryan at August 2, 2004 05:11 PM

The J-No remix:

Bush White House Announces New Evidence Linking Al Qaeda and Boogie Man
Threat of International Terrorism Now Even Scarier

WASHINGTON D.C. (Norton Media Services) – White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan today announced new evidence linking al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden to the mysterious "Boogie Man", familiar antagonist of many children's' nightmares.

"This completely changes the character of the terrorist threat," Mr. McClellan told reporters early this morning. "In addition to the danger posed by the longest stretches of unguarded border in the world today, the United States is now facing an enemy that can magically appear in closets, under beds, and in poorly lit basements."

In response to reporters' questions, Mr. McClellan acknowledged that the exact nature and range of the Boogie Man's magical powers are actually very poorly defined by popular children's fiction, and that the Boogie Man, while frequently alluded to, rarely makes even a cameo appearance in most stories.

"But don't let that fool you. This is a very serious threat, and the United States is treating it as such."

When asked about the actual likelihood of an attack, Mr. McClellan responded that it was impossible to tell how or when the Boogie Man would strike, but that it seemed likely that a change in political leadership, or the possibility of one, may well provide the Boogie Man with the type of opening he needs.

"The main thing I want to get across to you here is that these are very dangerous times," Mr. McClellan said. "Very dangerous. Everything's really really scary. Really. The Boogie Man could strike at any time. Especially if we reestablish normal relations with France and Germany. Friendly communication with anyone in Europe besides Tony Blair could actually cause an attack. But also? Going to the polls. Very dangerous. Parents leave the house to vote, kid goes down in the basement to get flashlight batteries— BANG! It's all over."

Mr. McClellan concluded the press briefing by screaming, "Oh my God! There he is!" while pointing the back of the room, then laughing good-naturedly.

"Ha. Made you look. Boy, you guys should have seen your faces."

Posted by: Joshua at August 2, 2004 06:04 PM
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