July 02, 2004

The Slow Roommate

During my fourth year of college, living in the Shark Shack, I shared a house with four other roomies. They were all decent guys, for the most part, when they weren't blindingly drunk, I mean.

Well, one of the roommates, who went by the nickname "Spoon" (an eating utensil with which he shared roughly the same IQ) routinely offered up examples of why he wasn't doing the human race any favors by gracing it with his presence.

Some examples:

Spoon was a rather selfish guy. In addition to having one of the largest rooms in the house, he also furnished it with some of the loudest stereo equipment this side of Audio King. Unfortunately, my room was right next to his, so it was a common exercise for me to walk into his room and tell him to TURN THAT SHIT DOWN! He never seemed to grasp the enormity of his inconsiderate actions. Spoon did what Spoon wanted to do.

For about the first month or so, Spoon kept his television downstairs in the living room, for use by all the roommates. Then, one day, Spoon up and decided that he wanted his television up in his own room. Imagine our surprise when we sat down to watch the "X-Files" and there was no TV to be found. So, I brought my TV downstairs so we could, once again, have a communal television.

Spoon came bounding down the stairs, and he assessed the situation for awhile, and finally he spoke.

"I thought I brought my TV upstairs," he said.

"Yes, you did," said Rob.

"But, you guys are watching TV," said Spoon.

"Yes, we are," said Craig.

"But, whose TV is that?" asked Spoon.

"That would be mine," I answered.

"Sooooo, you brought your TV downstairs?" asked Spoon in all seriousness.

All heads turned in the direction of Spoon, with not one of us able to fully believe the dialogue that had just transpired.


Another time, Rob, Craig, Troy and myself decided to order some pizzas. So, we dialed up Little Caesar's. Shortly after the pizzas were delivered, as we sat there cramming our faces with greasy goodness, Spoon came home from work.

Spoon stood there for awhile, assessing the situation. He noted the two boxes, clearly marked "Little Caesar's," with the little Roman cartoon dude, and then Spoon spoke.

"You guys ordered up some Dominoes, eh?"

"Yes," answered Troy. "But we decided to put the pizzas in Little Caesar's boxes to confuse you."

"Really? Why?"

All heads turned in the direction of Spoon, with not one of us able to fully believe the dialogue that had just transpired.


One Friday night, Rob went for a beer run. He took down everyone's respective orders, and returned about half an hour later toting several 12 packs. Well, he got Spoon's order wrong, apparently. Instead of Bud Lite, Rob had accidently brought home regular old Budweiser.

Spoon was so upset over the bungled order, he went and punched a wall. Seeing as how the wall consisted of sheetrock, Spoon's fist pretty much went effortlessly through the wall, leaving a Spoon-fist-sized hole for all the world to see.

Spoon was extremely pleased with the result, and the damned hole in the wall was all he could talk about for the next hour or so. Apparently, he thought punching through sheetrock constituted some sort of major masculine accomplishment.

"If you're so damned proud of the hole, why don't you make another one?" I finally said, sick of Spoon's bragging over something so stupid. "You know, why not make it twice the pride?"

I really didn't expect Spoon to take the advice literally, but that's exactly what he did. He ambled on back to the wall, cocked his fist back, and punched at a spot about six inches to the left of the previous hole.

Except, that time around, the moron punched a stud. The sheetrock buckled, but the 2x4 stud steadfastly held its ground, and Spoon's hand basically folded in on itself and made a not-too-quiet popping noise.

At first, Spoon just looked surprised, but in short order he fell to his knees, cradling his hand, letting loose a low gutteral moan that indicated rather substantial pain. He stayed that way for about 20 minutes.

The rest of us watched TV.

Posted by Ryan at July 2, 2004 10:34 AM

Too funny, hilarious actually. I've come across a few "spoons" while I was in the Marines. damn, the memories. Happy 4th!

Posted by: ddc at July 3, 2004 08:11 AM

Very, very funny! Loved that last line.

Posted by: Cathy at July 3, 2004 09:58 PM

Very Funny. That last line is priceless!

Posted by: Gudy at July 5, 2004 05:37 AM

I still don't understand why you put the pizzas in the little ceasar boxes

Posted by: Spoon at July 5, 2004 10:51 PM

That was awesome. I've needed a laugh lately (getting hitched in three weeks), and perusing your archives has been great fun.

That's it... I'm blogrolling you. Right next to The Cheese Stands Alone. Of course, I've only got one reader, so it's not likely to do you a lot of good....

Posted by: Strider at July 19, 2004 11:40 PM
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