September 05, 2002

You Ever Feel "Not So

You Ever Feel "Not So Funny?"

So, I'm sitting here, reading my last two posts, and I realize, "Holy crap, I'm not being very funny." I don't get it. I just haven't felt funny all week. I can't even come up with a funny column idea. It's like I'm suffering humor PMS. I'm just feeling, I don't know, not so funny.

GIRL ON BEACH: Mom, do you ever feel, you know, not so funny?

MOTHER: Sure, honey, we all do at some point. That's why I use Laughasil (TM). It always puts me in a good mood, and I feel funny for the rest of the day.

GIRL ON BEACH: Laughasil? I'll have to try that. Thanks Mom. I love you.

ANNOUNCER: With its patented applicator technology, Laughasil can target the areas that feel the least funny for you. Try Laughasil today and enjoy a brighter tomorrow.

See? Not funny at all. Just for the record, I had to do a Google search on "Douche+Brands" to refresh my memory as to the brands of douches that are out there. And I did the search on company time, so I could be canned for misuse of IBM resources. Whatever.

By the way, I had no idea there were so many brands of douches out there. How many ways can vinegar and water be combined? Well, Massengill apparently found six different ways to do it, including Disposable Douche with Country Flowers, for those women who want to smell like dandelions and baby's breath. They also put out (snicker) Extra Cleansing Vinegar and Water (Twin Pack), for those women who feel so unfresh they have to perform a douche blitzkrieg; as if the extra cleansing formula isn't enough, here's two bottles. I especially like the Vagisil Cleansing Foam, Fresh, Clean Scent, as if there are women out there looking for a douche that smells like pig farts and puppy breath. Of COURSE they want a fresh, clean scent. That's why they're buying the douche in the first place. Speaking of which. . .

Douching is not necessary after a period or intercourse because vaginal tissue is self-cleaning. Hey, just like my oven at home. Douching should never be done after intercourse if a spermicidal jelly (try it on toast, with just a pat of butter), or foam has been used because the douche will wash it away and push the sperm even faster through the cervical opening enhancing chances of pregnancy. Now THAT'S a good marketing slogan: Summer's Eve, The Baby Maker. Vaginal discharge is normal and odour (spell it however you want, it's still funny) can be taken care of with a little soap and water. One study has linked ectopic (tubal) pregnancy to douching. Do not douche if you're pregnant. Better yet, don't douche at all. It's not necessary.

Save the vinegar for cleaning out the coffee pot.

Posted by Ryan at September 5, 2002 04:16 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!