New Tapes Show Bin Laden Making New Threats and . . . Zzzzzzz
You know you've fully acclimated to the new reality of terror when a CNN headline reads U.S.: Latest tapes 'cause for concern', and you find it pretty hard to give a damn.
If it weren't for the 9/11 attacks, I'd be relatively certain that all al Queda does is make cheesy home videos and spew threatening rhetoric. Okay, guys, we get it already. Yes, yes, yes, you don't like Americans. Yes, we're fully aware that you're planning new strikes. YES, we're now totally cognizant of all your bat-shit ideals and your loose-knit network of radicals who are so brainwashed they think heaven consists entirely of virgins who actually will break their chastity for lazy and insane men who voluntarily blow themselves up. Now, please, shut up! I don't care any more! I am hereby sticking my fingers deeply in my ears and singing a rendition of LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
In the latest installment of Al Queda's Most Threatening Home Videos, we're treated to two new releases, one featuring Ayman al-Zawahiri, bin Laden's No. 2 man, as if that's somehow a flattering distinction (the next time I take a #2, I'm going to call it "pinching an al-Zawahiri), and the other tape reportedly features Osama bin Laden himself. You may remember bin Laden from such classic cinematic masterpieces as I Hate America and I Still Hate America.
And how are the political and military geniuses in Washington D.C. responding to these new tapes? You'll be relieved to know that officials said the two messages are "cause for concern" and that the government is in a "period of increased concern" about the threat to the nation. Although unease about new attacks has gone up and down several times since September 11, they said this is "definitely a peak."
Oh, good, our government is responding with a period of increased concern. *whew* I'm glad they're so proactive about notching up the concern. They used to be so stingy with the concern, but now it's definitely at a peak. It's refreshing to see the wheels of government in action. If you were to hang around the steps of the Capitol, I'm sure every face you see will be etched with an increased level of concern. Democrats and Republicans alike will surely be sporting furrowed brows and squinty concerned eyes.
On the tape, which was released Tuesday, the speaker threatens fresh attacks against the United States, its economy and its allies.
The above sentence is a standard addition that is plugged into all news articles regarding newly released al Queda tapes, except that Tuesday is replaced with XXXs. For example, "On the tape, which was released XXX.Posted by Ryan at October 10, 2002 04:15 PM