Rambling Rhodes: New computer Versus The Super

January 27, 2003

New computer Versus The Super

New computer Versus The Super Bowl

So, I have this fantastic new computer that I paid $1,200 for. I mean it's great. It has, like, a 90.8 Ghz processor (kept cool with 7,000 fans that all sound like jet engines), a 589 GB hard drive capable of storing more porn than I'll ever be able to view in my lifetime, more memory than the collective interconnected minds of the Matrix (minus Neo, because he's "The One"), a video card so advanced it actually hasn't been invented yet, and Windows XP, which is a lot like all the other Windows operating systems, particularly when it comes to restarting it after installing any new software. I mean, this computer is the shit!

Except it doesn't work.

Okay, it works, it just doesn't work correctly. For some flipping reason, it won't connect directly to the Internet. Now, before all you tech gurus can utter, "Have you tried. . .," let me just assure you that, yes, I have tried EVERYTHING. And when I say I've tried EVERYTHING, I mean I've had all my friends try EVERYTHING, and then I had a Charter Communications guy walk along with me (er, via telephone) and try EVERYTHING.

In the end, the ONLY way I can get online was to connect through a router. That's right, in order to access the Internet, my computer demands that it first be connected through a router. I have no idea why, and my friends have no idea why. That's just the way it is. If my computer were a cat, it would turn up its nose at every cat food I put under its nose, preferring to eat out of the garbage and catch mice. Stupid cat computer.

Well, once I got online, I couldn't wait to start playing games online. I mean, Aliens Versus Predator 2 and Jedi Outcast were just screaming my name. Unfortunately, the Super Bowl was also screaming my name (which of course means my name must be Tampa Bay).

Actually, the only thing screaming about last night's Super Bowl was John Madden. Does that guy have any volume besides loud? The dumber he sounds, the louder he gets, I swear. When he pointed out that Oakland had to get some points on the board, I had to put him on mute. Are you sure, John? Are you sure it wouldn't be more prudent for Oakland to subtract some points? Sheesh. The sickening part is, that man gets paid gobs and gobs of money to say shit like that. I say stupid things every day. Every single day! And do I ever see a penny for my non-brilliance? Hell no. John Madden is such a fucker.

I don't want to talk about the game. A blowout is a blowout is a blowout. Congrats to the Bucs, and condolences to Rich Gannon, er, the Raiders. All due respect to Rich Gannon, but he was aware that he was supposed to throw the ball to guys wearing black and silver, right? Well, anyway, I'd rather talk about the half time show.

Where was Darth Twain's lightsaber? I mean, I tried to focus entirely on her chest, but that cape thing she wore kept drawing my attention. What WAS that, anyway? Come to think of it, a lightsaber would have been a lot more useful than the microphone she wasn't singing into. Come on, this was the Super Bowl, and really, all she did was walk around. Surely she could have found it within herself to actually sing rather than lip sync.

No Doubt's Gwen Stefani managed to use her own voice, after all, and she was doing pushups, and jumping around, and wearing more make-up than a circus clown. Sure, she sounded a tad winded at times, but at least she was actually singing. That's what makes live performances fun to watch. The sound is unique. Stefani at least brought some energy to a Super Bowl that was deflated for almost the entire game. Sorry, Shania, but the Force wasn't with you. Now go change into something that shows off your ass.

Oh yeah, I guess Sting also sang for real. He always sounds the same, and he always looks like he's auditioning for the role of the main bad guy in some movie.

Then, the third quarter started, and I got totally embroiled in an awesome game of Aliens Versus Predators 2. I mean, I totally kicked butt for a change. Those little Runner aliens can really rock once you get over the nausea inherent in climbing along walls and ceilings. Still, as Gollum might say, "We hatessss the marinesss with the chain gunsss." My old system used to have trouble running AvP, but my new computer breezes through it. I figure I have about four years before I have to build anew. Okay, that's being generous, I'll admit.