February 20, 2003

Lizzie Borden Took An Axe,

Lizzie Borden Took An Axe, When She Could Have Used the Guillotine

After indulging in a dual craving for popcorn followed by cookie dough ice cream last night at 11:30, sleep did not come easy. So, as is usually the case when slumber escapes me, I turned to the History Channel.

A funny thing about the History Channel is that I think they tend to believe that the only real era of historical significance was World War II. Now, I'm 28, but even I'm aware that there is more to history than WWII. Granted, it was a major big deal, and it warrants study, but come on! When you start reporting on the historical significance of toenail hygiene in the context of WWII, you've probably exhausted your topic. Also, I wish they would make up their mind as to what turned the tide of WWII. I mean, really, according to the History Channel, the infantry turned the tide of the war, no, it was the tank, no, it was the battleship, no, it was Spitfire, no, it was the tide.

Well, anyway, last night was kinda, sorta the exception, even though the content wasn't exactly what you should be watching before going to bed. At midnight, I was treated to an extensive history of the sniper, and I'm a sucker for all things sniper-related, because the modern day sniper is just a super cool infantry unit. So, I had to watch that. By the way, apparently, the sniper played a pivotal roll in WWII, and may have helped turn the tide.

I was feeling sort of drowsy by 1 a.m., but their Modern Marvels program looked at the history of executions. Now this show was pretty gruesome, so of course I was tranfixed. By the way, did you know the firing squad was the most utilized method of execution during WWII? The most disturbing footage was a covert bit of video camera work taken of the guillotine in action sometime in the 1930s. I had no idea how stunningly efficient that death tool was. They put this guy on the bench, the blade came down, his head came off, and his body violently spasmed off the bench, minus his head of course. I literally felt a disgusted shiver go down my spine. It looked so. . .so. . .so. . . *Sideshow Bob shudder*

Well, by 2 a.m., having brushed up on my history of executions, from stonings to lethal injections, I was ready for a little murder mystery. You know, something to give me pleasant dreams. Again, the History Channel came through, detailing the great murder trial of Lizzie Borden, who may or may not have axed her father and step-mother to death in 1892, which, according to historians, occurred well before WWII. Most thoroughly disgusting aspect of the show? The black and white picture they repeatedly showed of Lizzie's father, sprawled out on a couch, his head bashed in and totally unrecognizable. Whoever gave his head that axe thumping, whether Lizzie or someone else, could have been one hell of a lumberjack. Blech.

So, come 3 a.m., with my head dancing with visions of snipers, and guillotines, and axe murders, I went to bed. And you can just about imagine how fucked up my dreams were. I couldn't wait to wake up.

Now, in a bid to boost my site traffic, I'm going to repeat the name Hanna Montana a few times. Hanna Montana. Hanna Montana. Hanna Montana. Hanna Montana. Hanna Montana. Hanna Montana.

Posted by Ryan at February 20, 2003 12:13 PM

ok, this page is really funny n i felt that i shud leave a comment, but really! IT INSISTS ON POPPING UP EVERY, and i mean every, TIME THAT I TRY AND GET SOME INFORMATION ON LIZZIE BORDEN!!! I'M TRYING TO DO MY HOMEWORK DAM IT!! but thank you for the humorous interlude!

Posted by: Farrah Lawrence at April 26, 2004 12:47 PM

Party Pocker - Poker

Posted by: Party Pocker at October 19, 2004 05:39 AM

So, I'm doing a speech on Lizzie Borden and I was looking stuff up and found this page. My roommate and I loved it! Keep having fun!

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 23, 2005 12:37 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!