June 06, 2003

Friday's Cheddar X Borne out

Friday's Cheddar X

Borne out of the crucible of intolerant conformity and coma inducing inanities posing as questions that was the Friday Five, the first ever full floating boat of the Weekly Cheddar X is breaking out and heading for higher ground. Answer them on your site, add a question if you like and leave a comment.

1. What was the last thing you stole and why?
During my job working in a grocery store meat department, I learned quickly that, to make up for a shitty hourly wage of $5.25, pretty much every employee in the store helped themselves to merchandise, and I was not immune to the epidemic. But, far from being totally obvious under the scrutiny of omnipresent security cameras and "secret shoppers," I opted for a far more clandestine thievery approach. I used to sneak back to the storage room and hunt for the holy grail of grocery theft: razor blades. Particularly when the Mach 3 came out, apparently made out of gold, I could lift 10 or so containers of cartridges a time without their absence being detected. I would usually do this right before a 15 minute break so I could run the hot merchandise out to my car. Using this method, I think I upped my hourly wage to about $11 an hour just through razor savings alone. I also had my friends come in posing as legitimate customers. They'd come to the meat department and ask for hamburger, only I wouldn't give them hamburger; I'd give them T-bones and New York strips and ribeyes at about 69 cents a pound. I ate very well indeed during those otherwise lean years.

2. What was the last thing you had stolen from you?
Back when I lived in my previous apartment, assholes went through my car with maddening regularity. My car was such a crapwagon, I didn't bother locking the doors. The little car looters made off with all the change in my change cubby and a couple of really bad cassette tapes. They also stole a Nike running jacket that I highly prized.

3. When was the last time you had to go to work without underwear (''cos you were too lazy to do the laundry!)?
Ah, a chance to relate a truly disgusting tale! Thank you Cheddar X! During my stint as a reporter for the Winona Daily News, I was coming back from an assignment and I wasn't feeling all that great, by which I mean I wanted to die. I thought I had to fart, but man oh man, it wasn't a fart. It was a flood. I drove the rest of the way back to the office holding myself six inches above the seat so I didn't have to squish my cheeks into what I had just done. At the office, I shuffle stepped to the bathroom and dribbled off my polluted boxers which were defiled as no other pair of boxers has ever been defiled. I did a clean-up job on my backside and then I filled the bathroom sink with water and set about cleansing my drawers, refusing to simply throw them away because they were my favorite pair of Calvin Klein boxers. I ended up stuffing them in my glove compartment and forgetting about them until a friend found them one day and started asking all sorts of questions about the boxers in the glove compartment. For months afterward, I was known as Boxles The Clown.

4. When was the last time you remember not reading a single blog in a day?
Pretty much any given weekend I force myself to disconnect from the Internet, so I go blog free on most Saturdays.

5. If a tree falls in the woods and smacks the only guy there to hear it, killing him, does it make a sound until he's dies?
Whether the falling tree makes a sound or not is irrelevent. What you would likely hear when you come upon the poor tree-smacked soul would be his internal gasses roiling and escaping as his bloated body begins the early stages of decomposition.

My own question #6. If there was an inhabited planet that consisted entirely of beings that breathed helium, would they think it was funny to suck in balloons filled with oxygen because it makes their voices deeper?
Sure, why not.

Posted by Ryan at June 6, 2003 10:19 AM
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