Hamas Opposes Middle East Peace Plan
Members Say "We Hate Israel And. . . *BOOM!*
JERUSALEM (Rhodes Media Services) -- Amid outcry that Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas may have given away too many concessions in negoatiations for the "road map" to peace, members of the militant Islamic group, Hamas, took to the streets in protest. To further voice their displeasure, some members detonated themselves at random areas throughout the city.
"We will never allow the Jews to dictate a peace with Palestine!" screamed an unknown Hamas member wearing a black mask. "We will forever fight the Zionists until we drive them into the sea and. . . *BOOM!"
Eyewitnesses had conflicting accounts of what the Hamas member said before he exploded in a mist of crimson, but popular variations included "where's that damn button again?" and "virgins, here I come!"
Another Hamas member, interviewed as he fought his way towards an Israeli checkpoint, was so enraged at the concessions, he reportedly strapped himself with three times the standard amount of high explosives.
"Let this be a message that carries loud and clear that Palestinians will never accept their own nation if it means sharing soil with the nation of Israel," he said, visibly laboring under the weight of his gigantic explosive belt. "We will resist until our hearts no longer beat and. . . *BA-ROOOM!*"
All apparent indications showed that the Hamas member's heart stopped beating at the exact moment of detonation.
UPDATE: This enty reminded me of another bomb-belt related post which was equally as tasteless:
"Blow Out Prices In The Middle East" c. Ryan Rhodes, April 10, 2002
Crazy Hassan: If you follow news the way I do, you know that the Palestinian and Israeli situation is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. The Israelis attack with helicopters and tanks, and we Palestinians retaliate by blowing ourselves up in large crowds. It’s madness, I tell you, madness; and wherever madness goes, I, Crazy Hassan, follow.
Failed Suicide Bomber: Three years ago, I tried to detonate myself with a clumsy contraption hidden in a duffel bag outside of a busy Israeli office building. Instead of blowing up and making me a martyr, the duffel bag erupted into flame, singeing my hair and landing me here in prison. If only I had a more reliable explosive. If only.
Crazy Hassan: Are your suicide detonations as effective as you would like? At Crazy Hassan's, we've drastically improved the efficiency of our bombs. Now, the last moments of your life need not be wasted worrying whether you can bring down an entire shopping center. At Crazy Hassan’s, our explosions are INSANE!
Satisfied Customer #1: Before Crazy Hassan, there was no way I would ever consider blowing myself up, unless I was guaranteed to take at least 15 Israelis with me. Now, thanks to Crazy Hassan, I'm poised to kill scores of innocent civilians aboard this very bus. Thanks Crazy Hassan!!
*BOOM*
Crazy Hassan: Thank you, brainwashed fundamentalist!! Not only are our bombs designed to instantly atomize your body just before your journey to Allah, they also annihilate anything within a 30 foot radius. So, you can rest easy before you rest forever.
Yasser Arafat: There was a time when we had to work with time-consuming and often unfulfilling peace negotiations. Now, thanks to Crazy Hassan, we can make our point by wantonly snuffing out the lives of men, women and children who previously thought it was safe to perform simple tasks like grocery or clothes shopping. Thank you Crazy Hassan!!
Crazy Hassan: Thank you, Yasser Arafat!! Peace negotiations? What are those? Is that what U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell is talking about? Well, remember, you can’t spell Powell without POW! And you’re guaranteed plenty of POW with Crazy Hassan’s new line of C4 suicide belts. These stylish, yet concealed, self-detonation devices can slip by even the strictest security. And you can accomplish all this at Crazy Hassan’s blow out prices!
Satisfied Customer #2: I always wanted to be a martyr for the Palestinian cause, and the promise of having 23 wives in Allah's realm has been greatly alluring since I was a child, but I've never been able to afford it until Crazy Hassan. Now, here I am, strapped with 25 pounds of high explosives, waiting for this Israeli school to release students for the day, and it only cost me pennies per ounce of C4. Thanks Crazy Hassan!!
*BOOM*
Crazy Hassan: Thank you, brainwashed fundamentalist!! And let’s not forget the women out there. Although I, Crazy Hassan, am wary of giving women too many freedoms, I open my arms and doors to those women who want to further the Palestinian cause by violently ending their existence. Crazy Hassan’s offers a wide array of suicide belts for the female figure, including sensual nitroglycerin negligees. Truly, in our bid to liberate the Holy Land, anything goes.
Ariel Sharon: There was a time when I thought the Hebrew Biblical claim on Israel would easily be enforced through a technological military and omnipresent army. It just makes sense. But these suicide bombers just don’t make any sense. They blow up here and they blow up there. They blow up everywhere. I may despise suicide bombers, but hats off to you Crazy Hassan.
Crazy Hassan: Huh? Was someone talking to me? You must forgive me, but I’m rather deaf to any voice other than that of the Palestinian cause, particularly if it’s the voice of Israeli infidels. You've seen the utter devastation you can achieve using my bombs, and now you can be part of the new craze sweeping the militant Palestinian branches. Don't settle for peace when you can settle in pieces. Visit Crazy Hassan's today!!
Posted by Ryan at June 6, 2003 01:38 PM
Stumble It!
