November 11, 2003

The Perils of Poop Positioning

It's been awhile since I've indulged in toilet talk, like, several hours, so I figure I'm due.

So, I just took a crap a few minutes ago, and I became aware that my initial pooping position was just not what it should be. I think I suffer from premature squatting, or something. I mean, I'll sit down just fine and all, but I tend to shuffle too far up on the seat. There's no reason for this, because the toilet seat, and by extension the the hole through which the defecation falls, does not care if you use the whole seat, or just part of it. I may as well sit directly in the center, is what I'm saying.

Here's the problem with shuffling up too far on the toilet seat, and this is what I noticed just a short while ago on the crapper. As any veteran male pooper knows, when you clench off a fecal fragment, your wang twitches. Or, maybe it's just me, but whatever. The point is, when I flex the appropriate kegel muscles to pinch off a turdlett, my pecker does a little spasm dance that usually involves brief upward motion.

Obviously, when I'm hunkered down too close to the front of the bowl, rather than taking advantage of the generous amount of toilet seat afforded to me, when my wang bounces upward, it comes in contact with the front of the bowl, and it's not pleasant to think that my wang probably isn't the only wang that touches the front of the bowl during the course of a day. Plus, it's kind of cold. And usually wet.

The problem with rectifying the problem of sitting too close to the front is that moving around on the seat disturbs a very delicate balance. You see, when I sit down to perform a #2, I do a quick shift to the right and left. This act works to spread my butt cheeks just far enough apart to prevent smearing as the delivery makes its way out. Therefore, if I were to move backwards to keep from playing wang tag with the porcelain bowl, I'd upset my carefully spread cheeks. If they close together, even briefly, it would ensure a lengthier wiping process.

Thus was the conundrum I faced just a short while ago: whether to endure wang/bowl contact or poop/cheek smearing. Decisions, decisions.

I'll leave it up to you to decide which option I chose.

Posted by Ryan at November 11, 2003 04:08 PM
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