November 20, 2003

A New, Exciting Insult That Can Apply To Everything

I've been insulted. Many times in fact. I've been called swear words, I've been called practically every permutation of "stupid," and I've had more middle fingers extended in my direction than is probably healthy for most people.

Yes, I've been insulted a great many times. But, I always take the insults in stride, mostly because they don't bother me, but also because, somewhere in the back of mind, I'm pretty much aware that I probably deserve each and every insult hurled my way. I mean, I have to admit it: I can be a real jerk sometimes.

But, I think another reason insults don't tend to bother me is because I've heard every insult, every swear word, every name calling exercise, so many times repeatedly, they just don't have any affect on me any more. I think what the world is ripe for is a degrading insult that can apply to practically every situation and every person, yet still be innocuous and humorous enough that it doesn't really totally piss someone off.

And, last night, I came up with one. Well, I sort of came up with one.

Melissa, my girlfriend, is an interior design student, and she spends a lot of time on the computer drafting commercial and residential layouts and designs. Her latest assignment was to design a home for a handicapped individual, complete with wheelchair accessibility, while adhering to so many legal regulations she sometimes sounded like a lawyer.

Well, I'm a guy, which means I can't watch TV and listen to my girlfriend talk about stuff at the same time. So, last night, as Melissa was telling me about how hard it was to design her latest project, and I tried to catch snippets of the news, my listening skills were stressed to the max.

"This was a really tough house to design," said Melissa, I think. "It's hard to design a house for someone who is a blind duck in a wheelchair."

"Excuse me? A blind duck in a wheelchair? What?"

"Would you LISTEN for a change?!" said Melissa, rolling her eyes. "I said 'for someone who is blind, deaf, and in a wheelchair.'"

"Oh, well, THAT makes sense. For a second there, I was really feeling bad for that poor duck."

That's when it hit me; I had accidentally stumbled across the catch-all insult that had been eluding me all my life. Of course! The next time somebody does something collossally stupid, I'll be SO ready.

"Jeez," I'll say. "That was a really stupid thing to do. I'd expect behavior like that from a blind duck in a wheelchair, but not from you."

It's PERFECT. It can be tweaked to fit practically any situation, and it belittles while still sounding ridiculous and funny.

Somebody bumps into you by accident. . .

"Hey, watch it, buddy. What are you? A blind duck in a wheelchair?"

Telemarketers. . .

"Sorry. I don't feel like talking to a blind duck in a wheelchair right now, sorry."

So, I implore you, America! Get out there and start insulting people the way they were meant to be insulted.


Are you scared?

You're just a bunch of blind ducks in wheelchairs.

Just so you know, I'll probably be thinking a lot about I'll be trying to imagine Scarlett Johansson . Because a Scarlett Johansson would be pretty awesome all around. Or Hayden Panettiere. Mmm, Hayden Panettiere. Hayden Panettiere. Hayden Panettiere. Hayden Panettiere.

Posted by Ryan at November 20, 2003 11:12 AM
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