July 18, 2003

And Now, The Friday Cheddar X (It's Cheesier)

The assault upon the banality of the Friday Five forges on, as Erik continues to provide the Cheddar X revolution that will one day poke a fat, gnarled toe into the vagina of the Friday Five. Did I just type that? Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. . .

1. What are your top three favorite smells?

I'm partial to ass, specifically my ass. Okay, just joshing with ya. I love the smell of Japanese curry, which makes me salivate like Pavlov's dog no matter how full I may be. The smell of my parents' house in the morning when I visit them, a mixture of coffee, bacon and, I suspect, my father's breath; makes me feel 12 years old all over again. And, I LOVE that first day when I can actually smell the onset of spring (for a Minnesotan in winter, this is the equivalent of an orgasm after five months of celibacy).

2. What scents on men/women do you find most attractive? And what scents to you absolutely despise?

I'm really not attracted to any scent on a man, although the smell of Right Guard spray always reminds of my days playing football in high school. As for women? Let me see. My girlfriend wears this lotion consisting of watermelon and cucumber that smells like candy and makes me want to dive in and munch her box until my tongue is numb. Also, back in my college days, when I frequented an establishment where the women, strangely enough, went without clothes and snaked around brass poles, there was one woman who wore an unknown fragrance that always made my blood temperature rise eight degrees and made me want to fuck anything with a heartbeat. As for bad odors, I can't stand B.O. I know, I know, it's a totally natural smell, but I don't give a shit. If you stink like B.O., action should be taken immediately to rectify the situation.

3. What was your worst nickname growing up?

I had so many nicknames growing up, you probably wouldn't believe them. I would have to say that "Spaz" was the one I disliked the most, and I'm happy that it hasn't been invoked since 10th grade. I've also been called "Freak" for as long as I can remember, and back in my wrestling days, I was known as "Frog" due to my long legs. Other longstanding nicknames include "Mule," which I won't talk about here (although I still use that nickname as my handle for NTN trivia), and "Boxles," which was a short-lived nickname I had after an unfortunate scenario involving soiled boxer shorts and a glove compartment.

4. What nickname did you want to have?

Through my blog and my newspaper column, I'm on a one man crusade to become known as "a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness" or ASHSOMH (which kind of sounds Jewish, now that I say it out loud). It would also be cool to be called "Thunder Hammer," but that's not too likely. Nicknames, usually, consist of one syllable, so I guess I'd be happy with "Thor," or "Zeus," or "Carl." Actually, scratch "Carl" off the list.

5. What was the last trick you pulled on someone?

I love the blazin' buffalo wings at Buffalo Wild Wings (caution: they're ass-puckering hot). I've been eating ass-puckering hot food dating back to my year living in Tokyo, so I can handle them with relative ease. Most of my Minnesota "meat and potato" friends, however, regard the blazin' wings with the same trepidation as a steer facing a red-hot branding iron. So it was, when I snuck a blazin' wing to my buddy, Jim, his reaction was one for the record books. He gladly snapped up the wing, scarfed down 3/4 of it, and then the heat hit him, and then his eyes started watering, and then he started drooling uncontrollably, and then he drank two pilsner glasses of beer so fast you'd think he was trying to win a contest. It was a grand old time.

6. What was the last trick you had pulled on you?

Well, let's see, I was told once that I had a bright future in journalism, and then I got my first reporting job for a daily newspaper making a smashing $6 an hour. That was a good fucking joke. I really haven't had any pranks played on me with regularity since college when my former roommate used to spritz his damned pepper spray all around my room, causing me to hack and wheeze and wonder what the hell was the matter with me. Ah, but those were the days.

UPDATE: Holy crap! When Anna over at Primal Purge links to you, you get a lot of fucking page views in a very short period of time. I respect and admire that. I would go masturbate right now, but I'm all exhausted from yesterday still.

Posted by Ryan at July 18, 2003 10:52 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!