December 23, 2003

Howard Dean Kicks Off 'X-Files' Campaign

'I Want To Believe,' Says Presidential Hopeful

BURLINGTON, VT (Rhodes Media Services) -- Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean, speaking from his campaign headquarters in Burlington, today announced that he would be running an unprecedented "X-Files" campaign based on the popular Fox drama.

Dean said his new campaign will eagerly embrace all manner of conspiracy theories regarding the Bush administration and he will devote long hours and money to holding up unsubstantiated claims as established fact. Dean floated a trial balloon for the new campaign direction earlier in the month in an interview with Diane Rehm by suggesting the Bush administration knew well ahead of time about the impending 9/11 attacks, but did nothing to stop them. Campaign advisers said they liked the response.

Dean, who now openly refers to himself as "Spooky" Dean, said that he "wants to believe" that everything the Bush team does is a conspiracy but, lacking any real proof, he's fine with just making grandiose claims to assuage his adoring fans who also really wish Mulder and Scully would have romantically gotten together way earlier in the television series.

"You know," said Dean while chumming it up with reporters. "There's an interesting theory out there that suggests President Bush maintains a ranch on Mars and that he visits it on a monthly basis. Well, nobody's seen the ranch, so how can we be sure it does or does not exist? Until I see evidence that it's not on the Martian surface, I want to know why Bush is spending so much money on maintaining it and keeping such technological space travel and colonization innovations from the American public."

Among those to endorse the new "X-Files" direction were Rep. Jim McDermott (D-Wash) who said the capture of Saddam Hussein was staged for political gain, and former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, who "wondered aloud" whether the Bush administration is actually currently holding Usama bin Laden and plans to unveil him closer to the 2004 election.

Posted by Ryan at December 23, 2003 01:12 PM
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