December 24, 2003

Merry Christmas, And A Happy Orange Alert New Years

This will be my last post until. . . well. . . until I can track down an Internet Cafe in Kona, Hawaii and access Blogger, I guess. Look for me, maybe, on the day after Christmas or so. Who knows? Vacation, you know.

So, yeah, orange alert, with particular scrutiny on the airlines. And I'm willingly going to plop my tush on an airplane seat during this heightened alert? On Christmas Day, no less? Absolutely. Is it a little disconcerting? Maybe a little, but I look at it this way: what better time to fly then when the entire airline industry is on eggshell alert?

Hell, I'd be more scared if we were on green alert, with Osama bin Laden's head stuck on a pike on the White House lawn. THAT'S when terrorists would be more apt to strike: when we're complacent and drunk on victory. As it is, I'll probably be patted down with extra exploratory hands, and my fingernails will be filed down so they're no longer lethal, and then I'll board a plane that is full of passengers who have generally been given the same treatment. Everyone would be appropriately de-fanged and de-clawed, except for that one unknown air marshall packing a Desert Eagle and a steely-eyed gaze.

They may not be the friendly skies they once were, but they're probably pretty safe.

Oh, and if a terrorist does happen to sneak on board with a fingernail clippers intent on hijacking my plane, he should know that a shaved-headed young man with a black belt will be leading the charge to subdue him, and that I like to kick at the nuts. He's been so warned.

Melissa, of course, is giddy with anticipation. You know that, when a woman gets a Brazillian wax to prepare for something, she's probably giddy with anticipation. This all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii is pretty much the biggest thing to happen to her since, well, her Brazillian wax, I guess.

So, yeah, Merry Christmas to all you readers out there, and for you Google searchers who keep coming here looking for "exposed+thongs" "whale+sperm+gallons" and "Britney+Spears+butt+sex." If I fly over your state, I'll be sure to flush the toilet a couple of times.

Oh, and if you could, pause for a moment and reflect on this.

Posted by Ryan at December 24, 2003 11:47 AM
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