Rambling Rhodes

When A Diet Takes Over The World

I've never been on a diet, unless you consider that rather long stretch in college when it could be argued I was on a steady diet of Budweiser, which was a really fun-assed diet, but I couldn't go on it again, because I'm older now and frankly my liver just couldn't handle such a diet.

It's not that I don't believe in dieting. I'm sure diets work just fine for some people. But, basically, I live by the philosophy that exercise is the best, and quite possibly only way to ward off an expanding waistline and to solidify my distinction as a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness.

Therefore, I exercise quite a little bit, including running, and martial arts, and actually walking to places that are only a few blocks away rather than driving like so many other people who think it's their God-given right to be as lazy as they possibly can and, criminey fuck, people, get off your asses and walk!

Anyhooo. . .

Well, whether I like it or not, I've come to the conclusion that I am unwittingly on the Atkins diet. I don't know how this happened. I just turned on the TV one day and realized that, not only am I on the Atkins diet, I've been on it pretty much for my entire life.

I came to this conclusion when a T.G.I. Fridays commercial came on and it showed a heaping helping of ribs and steak smothered in cheese, with a side order of some other sort of artery clogging agent, and the voiceover pronounced the heart-attack on a plate to be "Atkins Approved," with the big bold "A" logo in the corner and everything. Excuse me? Ribs and steak and cheese constitute diet items? I had to learn more.

I logged on to the Internet and surfed to what I believe was the Atkins Diet home page (atkins.com, which makes sense, I guess), and I was confronted by. . . a smiling woman on a bicycle. Hmmm, so, in order for this diet to work, I'm thinking, you should probably exercise. What a shock.

But, exercise is not the cornerstone of the Atkins diet. No, the Atkins philosophy is that, basically, everything that was once thought to be fattening is now slimming, and everything once thought to be slimming is now fattening. Black is white. Up is down. Left is right.

According to the Atkins diet, one of the biggest no-nos on the worldwide menu is bread or bread derivatives. Let me just type that again so it sinks in: bread is bad for you. Bread. The food item on which the Roman empire depended, the food item that fed the people and armies of practically every empire and civilization ever to grace this planet, is not Atkins Approved. Cheese and ribs and steak are Atkins Approved, but bread is not. Okayyyyyyy.

Well, the science behind the Atkins Diet, and by science I mean Druid-like worship, maintains that the true evil of the human digestive process are carbohydrates which, according to Atkins proponents, are the dietary equivalent of anthrax. If you gradually cut out the consumption of carbohydrates, through a process the Atkins Web site refers to creepily as "induction," eventually the pounds will drop right off. The pounds will drop right off, mind you, provided you also follow this wise Atkins advice: "regular exercise is also essential for controlling weight, toning muscles and maintaining a sense of well-being."

So, there you have it. The secret to weight loss and weight maintenance? Exercise! Who knew? But, that little logical leap hasn't stopped the Atkins juggernaught from taking over American marketing. Everything from steak to vodka is being touted as "low carb" or "Atkins Approved." Every time I pass by that one billboard advertising a low carb beer while showing a shirtless guy doing push-ups I think, "Yeah, I just love to drink a beer while doing push-ups."

I guess I can't fault people for their worship of all things Atkins, but I will say this:

If I continue to exercise for the next 30 years, and you continue with your steak and cheese and rib diet, who do you think will be happier and, for that matter, still alive?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Posted by Ryan at January 27, 2004 11:33 AM