May 19, 2009

Pregnancy? Fun? Hardly.

My wife has been pregnant now for about six months, presumably with my child, provided I extend the benefit of the doubt. In other words, I've basically been going insane now for about half a year.

My wife went into the whole pregnancy thing thinking being pregnant would be fun, apparently forgetting the fact growing another human being in your guts probably carries with it a certain amount of unpleasant side effects.

Seriously, after about her fifth straight week of morning sickness, she had the audacity to announce to me: "I thought being pregnant would be fun," which is like saying "being in an iron lung sure sounds peaceful."

As a quick side note, I have to point out the term "morning sickness" is wildly inaccurate. It's not "morning sickness," it's "all the danged time sickness." For the first three months, my wife felt sick unless she had something in her stomach besides a growing baby. In retrospect, she may have been using morning sickness as an excuse to eat all the time. Regardless, I'm convinced the term "morning sickness" was conjured by the same baby marketing department that convinced my wife being pregnant would be fun.

For my part, I can tell you without a doubt, being married to someone who is pregnant is not at all fun. Being married to a pregnant woman is like going to a pregnancy-themed amusement park -- "Womb Town" -- where all the rides are run on hormones. You know you probably shouldn't get on the roller coaster, but for some reason you do, and all of a sudden the coaster is all like "Waaaahhhhhhhh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Waaaaaahhhhhhhh! Hold me."

Another popular ride at Womb Town is the "Nag-a-Tron 5,000," where you strap yourself in and are repeatedly told you're out of toilet paper and contact solution. You're also told to clean the cat litter box and take out the trash. The "Nag-a-Tron 5,000" is not unique to Womb Town, however, and can be found in most "Marriage-Ville" theme parks. The Womb Town version features 25-percent more nagging, which presented a particular challenge for the engineers, but they succeeded gloriously.

Being pregnant has also apparently equipped my wife with a catch-all excuse for everything. You'd be amazed at how much the phrase "but I'm pregnant" can get a woman out of almost any task. If she asks me to get her a glass of water and deliver it to her on the couch, and I even hint at saying "no," I'll get the "but I'm pregnant" line and find myself doling out the H2O.

One of these days, I'm going to track down the person who said being pregnant is fun and kick her in the shin.

Posted by Ryan at May 19, 2009 08:46 PM | TrackBack

You are so NOT screwed when you get home, and in big big trouble if she reads this. Cuz even if she realizes all those things? You aren't supposed to. Deep shit buddy.

Posted by: Donna at May 20, 2009 11:23 AM

The thing about all this is that, by the time she finally has the baby, you're already totally worn out from trying to keep up with all the crazy.

Try that one -- "I'm saving my energy to wait on you hand and foot while you recover from the trauma of shitting a basketball. Let me rest now, or I'll collapse in a smoldering heap when it really matters."

Posted by: Joshua at May 20, 2009 12:21 PM

Do what people do here, pretend you no longer speak English. I'm sure that'll work.

Pregnancy is like climbing a mountain that keeps steeper the higher you go. She's at six months now, wait until she's the size of a beach ball and has constant back pain and the little dirtymushroom in her belly starts kicking non-stop.

I hate to say it but this is the easy part.

Posted by: Erik at May 20, 2009 01:40 PM

Posted by: amy.leblanc at June 3, 2009 11:50 PM
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