June 16, 2008

Humans Responsible for Solar Inactivity, Report Says

Lack of Solar Sunspots and Other Phenomenon Anthropogenic In Nature

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The ongoing "dead" period of solar activity that has been perplexing scientists for the last couple of years has been discovered to be a direct result of human activity here on earth, according to a recent study conducted by the the Institute for Blaming Human Beings for Everything that's Ever Happened Anywhere (IBHBEEHA).

In what they're calling a "scientific consensus," the IBHBEEHA announced, following a detailed study funded by over $84 million in grants and donations from "undisclosed" financiers, that human beings are almost certainly responsible for the lack of sunspots and solar flares normally expected at this point in the solar cycle.

"We've looked extensively at all the data we have available to us," said Allen Fitzgerald, spokesman and lead scientist for the IBHBEEHA. "And the one variable we keep coming back to is human beings. We are the unknown component in the vast equation of solar system machinations, so clearly we're the reason the sun hasn't been acting according to expectations. I don't know. . . maybe we have too many satellites circling the earth, reflecting too much of the sun's warmth back at it, or something. The point is, we're responsible for this, and as good stewards of the solar system, we have to act now, not later."

According to the IBHBEEHA, some of the measures human beings can take to help mitigate the effects of solar inactivity include implementing a system of trading solar credits, limiting our overall solar footprints, and to stop staring at the sun in order to trigger photic sneezing.

"Look, to be honest, we're not exactly sure how photic sneezing is in any way responsible for solar inactivity," said Fitzgerald. "But, it annoys us, okay? Seriously, is it really necessary for you to stare up at the sun in order to get a quick sneezing fix? We don't like it and, quite frankly, we don't imagine the sun likes getting used in such an unnecessary and cheap way. So, just knock it off already."

The two main presidential candidates, who are always asked for comment regarding breaking news like this, for reasons that aren't entirely clear to the vast majority of Americans and a pretty good number of Nigerians, expressed concern over the idea of "anthropogenic solar change."

Senator John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, said, "I've known the sun my whole life. I remember when the sun was little more than a speck of dust in the sky, gathering other specks and other specks until it had enough specks and mass to ignite the nuclear fusion engine that powers so much of our solar system today. Yeah, damn it, I'm that frickin' old."

"I think this is an audacious moment, a hopeful moment," added Senator Barack Obama, the Democrat candidate for president. "As with any hopefully audacious moment, I think we should act decisively to save our sun, probably through a tax of some sort, maybe a 'photosynthesis tax,' something like that."

IBHBEEHA spokesman Fitzgerald said a "photosynthesis tax" would be a good first step, provided a large portion of the revenue would be be used to further IBHBEEHA research.

Posted by Ryan at June 16, 2008 05:03 PM | TrackBack
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