November 15, 2012

Explaining The Fiscal Cliff

Well, the 2012 presidential election is now officially behind us, which means Americans are once again united in agreement about everything. That's the beauty of the U.S. election cycle: one day, its neighbor against neighbor in a battle of who has the most election placards in their yard; and after the election, we're all just generally disappointed in ourselves for falling for the election hype AGAIN.

U.S. elections are the equivalent of sitting through "Star Wars: Episode I" over and over into perpetuity, hoping against hope that it won't be as bad as the last time, but it ALWAYS IS THAT BAD.

Unfortunately, almost as soon as the election was over, Americans were informed, as a nation, we're headed for a "fiscal cliff," which sounds pretty awful. I mean, wouldn't it be more pleasing to be told we're headed for a "fiscal meadow" or a "fiscal Nirvana?"

Anyway--because I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge--upon hearing America was headed for a "fiscal cliff," I immediately turned to the Internet, where everything is true.

It turns out, according to the Internet, the "fiscal cliff" refers to the looming financial effect a bunch of existing and impending laws will have on America in the coming years. For the purposes of background information, "laws" are rules absentmindedly passed by elected legislators that inevitably come chock full of what's referred to as "unintended consequences." Often, an unintended consequence becomes so dire it requires its very own name, such as, oh, for example. . . off the top of my head. . . "FISCAL CLIFF."

Now, legislators--in their infinite elected wisdom--almost inevitably respond to a dire unintended consequence warranting its own name via the time-honored exercise of throwing money at it. Oh, sure, they'll give lip-service to such things as "spending cuts," but they mostly do that so we Americans can enjoy a good laugh right before a tax increase, which is absolutely necessary in order for legislators to adequately arm themselves with enough money to throw at the dire unintended consequence--in this case, the "fiscal cliff."

Most rational people, when confronted by a cliff of any kind, tend to change direction to avoid going off the edge. But our elected legislators, God bless them, are poised to take the "Thelma & Louise" approach to cliff jumping, except they're planning on chucking handfuls of cash out of the convertible as it goes over the edge. This is what they refer to as "governing."

Hey, it's what we elect them for, after all.

It's time, once again, to play "Your Tax Dollars At Work!" OK, this is actually the first time we've ever played this game, as far as I know, and I don't know very far. But, let's just go with this, all right?

This installment of "Your Tax Dollars At Work!" is brought to us by a Jan. 10 article from "The Washington Examiner," which informs us a $100,000 federal grant is helping fund the release of "A new video game featuring a black alien female superhero delivered to Earth to fight global warming. . . "

Now, there's A LOT packed into that sentence. That sentence requires more double-takes than a 30 car pile-up. You can keep looking at that sentence and think to yourself "NO WAY DID I JUST READ THAT!" But, you did, so let's examine it more closely, shall we?

First off, can you think of a better waste of superhero powers than choosing to fight global warming? Forget genocidal third world despots laying waste to their populations. No, let's use our super-human abilities to combat a one degree Celsius rise in ocean temperatures.

"Look! UP IN THE SKY! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's. . . a black alien female superhero descending in an elevator to requisition Congress with a bill calling for a 20 percent reduction in greenhouse gas emissions over the next 30 years!"

For that matter, considering it's a video game, can you imagine anything more boring than memorizing a controller macro that convenes a committee to consider a resolution to think about maybe, possibly, but not really doing anything?

Also, why does the superhero have to be an alien delivered to our planet? What kind of busybody alien superhero has the time to tinker with earth's climate? Actually, I looked further into the video game's back story and learned the superhero is "a warrior woman and inhabitant of Earth’s sister planet, (who) comes to Earth to investigate why it is causing her native planet to freeze and slowly die. . . (She) discovers that the auras of Earth’s women are diminishing."

Anyone who honestly believes the auras of earth's women are diminishing has never gotten into an argument with my wife. Earth women auras are perfectly intact, believe me.

And, no, I'm not making any of this up. We, the American taxpayers, have ponied up $100,000 for this.

Admittedly, $100,000 is a mere pittance when it comes to governmental wasting of taxpayer money. I mean, there are bus stops in Rochester that cost taxpayers $300,000 each, and there was enough taxpayer money just lying around to pay for SEVERAL of those.

Come to think of it, once this video game is released, it should be projected onto screens at the back of all those bus stops, and people sitting in those bus stops should be able to to play the game while they await their buses.

Just think about it: people sitting around, playing games, wasting taxpayer money, pretending to combat problems.

Just like Congress.

Posted by Ryan at 11:30 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 03, 2012

Bloody Marys For All


"Are we really going to eat breakfast on this Indian burial shroud, Daddy?" implores little Daisy, as her sight-impaired father places her nowhere near her bowl. Meanwhile, little Bobby--who has been starved for attention ever since adorable Daisy intruded upon the family--is about to smash his developing testicles at the bottom of the banister. That'll teach 'em for forgetting his birthday AGAIN!!

Posted by Ryan at 10:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Pre-Norman Rockwell Era


Here's an unintentionally hilarious advertisement for a company called Libby - Owens - Ford Plate Glass, from the April, 1949 issue of Better Homes and Gardens. Unbeknownst to the wild-eyed candy enthusiast future diabetics with their noses pinned to the glass, creepy old Uncle Silas is rubbing one out right behind them. The first rule of "Perv Club" is "Distract people with a top hat and watch fob so they can't see you frantically pawing your groin bulge."

Posted by Ryan at 10:01 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 01, 2012

You needed a room


From the January, 1953 issue of "The American Home."

Nowadays, all 25 volumes come pre-loaded as a .PDF file on new laptops and tablet computers. Actually, you can probably buy the whole library on a keychain thumb drive. You know what? You can more than likely find the library for free somewhere on the Cloud, so just forget about paying for this altogether.

Posted by Ryan at 01:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Pre-Internet Wayback Machine

Continuing on my odyssey of scanning old publications for mocking amusement here, I recently acquired a couple dozen home decor magazines (including Better Homes and Gardens) from 1947 - 1955. I hope to post several scans with mocking commentary over the next weeks and months, content willing.

I'll be starting with a January, 1953 issue of a magazine called "The American Home," which had a healthy run from 1928 - 1977. A thin monthly tome compared to its behemoth "Better Homes and Gardens" cousin, it nevertheless features some entertaining advertisements and home decor ideas for the time.

Posted by Ryan at 10:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
I use third-party advertising companies to serve ads when you visit my website. These companies may use information (not including your name, address, email address, or telephone number) about your visits to this and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you. If you would like more information about this practice and to know your choices about not having this information used by these companies, click here.