June 29, 2009

The Freshmaker

Ryan: Internet ads have become even more annoying than the pop-up era.

Caroline: yeah, I hate the ones that take over the screen


Caroline: I get so PISSED. F U, weather.com. I don't need this

Ryan: You sit there for five seconds looking for the x close button that doesn't exist.

Caroline: If anything, it makes me NEVER want to try Mentos gum.

Ryan: Mentos has a GUM?!

Caroline: And an annoying ad for it.

Ryan: Is the gum still capable of giving liter bottles of pop a ten foot orgasm?

Caroline: That was probably info in the ad, but I clicked it off.

Ryan: I'm glad I don't have to stick a Manpon applicator up my wang hole.

Caroline: Yeah you are.

Ryan: I think I speak for most men on that.

Caroline: I think you'd be an interesting choice as the "most men" spokesperson.

Ryan: If by "interesting" you mean, "perfect."

Caroline: Aren't those words interchangeable?

Ryan: Nope. "She has a perfect ass" sums it up.

Caroline: Butter face is interesting.

Ryan: "She has an interesting ass," leaves a lot of room for deliberation.

Posted by Ryan at 01:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Sure, it's a PhotoShop, but still. . .


Posted by Ryan at 10:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 23, 2009

I'd Like You To Meet A Stupid Person

Mary Uhazi is a stupid person.

Mary Uhazi has more than $60,000 in credit card debt and, by her own account, “nothing to show for it.”

Not true. She has $60,000 in credit card debt to show for her $60,000 in credit card debt. That's SOMETHING.

“You have some clothes, you have some dinner, you have a handbag, you have whatever, but it’s not $11,000 worth or it’s not $60,000 worth,” Uhazi said.

I have no idea what she was trying to say there.

Uhazi is drowning in a sea of debt. And, like millions of other Americans, it is a debt load that she built up slowly over more than two decades of easy credit that made it all too simple to spend.

It's articles like this that piss me off. In effect, they paint 20 years of bad spending habits as being the fault of easy credit. For the past 15 years, I've had access to easy credit, too. LOT'S of easy credit. But, like a fool, I had the common sense to spend within my means and save money with the understanding that tomorrow I may make less money or lose my job. Oh, sure, I could have a wallet full of maxed out credit cards, but I've always had this thing about debt; namely, I consider debt to be something I should generally try to avoid, rather than bathing in it like a shit-brained moron. But, hey, that's just me. This article is about the millions of Americans who were just suckered in by easy credit.

Now she worries she won’t be able to pay it off because of the recession, which has led to a reduction in her salary and an increase in her credit card bills.

In other news, life isn't fair, so you might want to plan accordingly.

“It may come to a point where I do end up filing for bankruptcy,” she said.

Yeah, $60,000 in unpayable debt can do that to you.

That’s a situation Uhazi, 43, never imagined she would be in when she signed up for her one of her first credit cards — a Chevron gas card — around 1988.

Oh, it's all so innocent. It's just a gas card.

At the time, she figured the card would be a convenience, so she wouldn’t have to stop at the bank to get cash before buying gas. In the beginning she paid it off every month.

In the beginning, Uhazi was sensible. Then Uhazi started down the path of stupid.

But it didn’t take long before Uhazi’s wallet started to fill up with other cards, including a bank card and some department store cards. Once she had the credit cards, she said, it was easy to go from paying them off at the end of the month to maintaining a balance and figuring she would get to it eventually.

Ah, yes. "Getting to it eventually." Like starting a diet next week, or committing to an exercise regimen. You'll "get to it eventually." It's just skyrocketing debt, after all. What's the big deal?

“It was just a gradual thing,” said Uhazi, who lives in Sacramento, Calif., and works for the state.

Oh, well, if it's GRADUAL skyrocketing debt, that's not like ACTUAL debt. Oh, wait, yes it fucking is. This article so far is ridiculous in its excuse of bad financial behavior. Oh, but it gets better.

As the years went by, there seemed to be more and more reasons to use the card.

Reasons such as?

If it was Christmas, there were presents to buy.

So buy presents within your means!

If it was her birthday, she figured she could splurge on a short trip to to San Francisco for a baseball game.

Oh, the occasional "splurge" with money you don't have. OF COURSE. TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If she went out to dinner with friends, she reasoned that she should treat everyone because she made the higher salary, so she whipped out her card again.

That's some great "reasoning" there, dumbass.

“It was just easy to put something on the card,” she said.

Here's a free life lesson: if something is "easy," that doesn't mean you should automatically do it. In fact, when confronted with something that's easy, it's often a wise practice to consider whether something that's easy is also a good idea.

Her debt built up slowly, and without any truly major purchases.

Yeah, that's generally how debt works. Who IS THIS WRITER?

There were a few vacations here and there, and new clothes she had to buy after taking a job that required nicer attire. Everything from movie tickets to gift cards for friends to an $800 car repair went on the card. She went to Home Depot one day to buy flowers and potting soil, and ended up with a store-branded card that still carries a small balance.

Oh, a few vacations you couldn't afford? Just think: you could have bought those new job clothes using money you maybe could have saved by not going on a few of those "here and there" vacations. This article is amazing how it is apparently trying to make me feel sorry for Uhazi, when it's having the opposite effect of making me hate the woman.

If someone asked her if she wanted to open a store credit card, she said she’d sometimes do it in part because, as a former retail worker, she knew the salesperson would get a commission. Sometimes, it was because of the free gift or one-time discount.

That's it. This woman fell from the stupid tree and hit every moron branch on the way down. Thankfully, her fall was cushioned slightly when she landed on the pile of misplaced sympathy who ended up writing this article.

As the years went by and she kept on charging, the limits on her cards kept going up, and the offers for new cards kept coming in.

Because the credit card companies were eeeeevillllllll. And Uhazi is stooooopid. A lethal combination, really.

“The more money I earned, it seemed like the more money I spent, and the higher my credit was extended,” she said.

Gosh, it's almost as if she knew exactly what was going on.

Soon, (wait, I thought this all happened "gradually" - ed) her wallet was stuffed with 13 credit cards, from stores such as Costco, Target, Nordstrom, Macy’s and Sam’s Club plus financial institutions.

Uhazi is one of those suckers you hear about who are born every minute. The article author apparently can't figure that out.

Still, Uhazi said she didn’t often worry about her credit card debt, reasoning that she paid at least the minimum balance on all her cards.

THE MINIMUM BALANCE!! Well, that's not a recipe for skyrocketing debt, or anything. I'd LOVE to know the interest rates on those cards that were so EASY to obtain.

She said she only made a single late payment, and that was an oversight.

She's just a financial fucking guru, this one.

“I was able to make the payments, and as long as I was able to make the payments I was OK,” she said.

As long as you were OK, sweetheart. I don't suppose she put much thought into a time when things weren't going to be OK any more.

Uhazi rarely talked about her credit card debt with her friends or family until recently.

Until recently. You know, when 20 years of climbing debt finally blew up in her face. TOTALLY UNEXPECTED.

Her own mother, who has since passed away, went through a bankruptcy when Uhazi was in high school. But, Uhazi said, “I didn’t learn from her."

No, sweetheart, you most certainly did. You apparently took meticulous notes and followed your Mom's path to the letter.

There were times, though, when she buckled down and paid off more than was required. In 2003 she received a $20,000 inheritance and used $15,000 of it to pay off credit card debt.

That's not "buckling" down; that's called "catching a break." And she only "buckled" 3/4 of the way. Lord only knows what she decided to do with the remaining $5,000, but I'm sure it was simply FABULOUS.

But soon (I thought it was gradual - ed) the balances started to creep up again.

It's like some sort of magical creeping phenomenon. Scientists should look into this.

Then this year Uhazi learned she was going to have to start taking unpaid furlough days, resulting in a nearly 10 percent drop in her salary, because of California’s budget crunch.

Same thing happened to me back in 2002. I responded by reducing my spending, and dipping into my SAVINGS when I absolutely had to. Uhazi should look into this concept of SAVING. It can be a great fallback when life rains lemons down upon you.

Around the same time, she started noticing that her minimum card payments were increasing as lenders raised her interest rates and reduced her credit limits.

That'll happen when they start to wonder if you're quite the ideal credit risk they originally thought.

One morning this spring, she sat down and tallied her debt.

Oh, finally got around to it, eh? Sat down and calculated all those years of "gradual" stupidity?

The total: $62,597

That's a pretty good price for the quality of stupid she's dealing out.

“It’s awful, just looking at it,” she said.

Sweetheart, "looking at it" is the least of your concerns.

If the debt was startling, so was the amount she was paying to service it. That month, Uhazi realized, she would have to pay $1,932 just in minimum credit card payments, about two-thirds of her reduced take-home pay of $3,018. After rent and other fixed expenses, she figured she’d have just $127 left for gas, food and other incidentals.

Oh, don't worry. She can always CHARGE it. What's the worst that could happen? As long as she's making her MINIMUM BALANCE payments, right?

Perhaps the worst part was trying to figure out how her debt had reached that point.

That was the worst part? As we've seen, it's hardly a secret. Now, prepare yourself for the "Uhazi Award" for dumbest quotes.

“It was like, what do I have to show for this, really?” she said. “If I have anything, it’s just material stuff, or it’s a waistline from, you know, going out to lunch or something.”

Great googily moogily.

Uhazi has stopped using most of her cards, except for the gas card and one that she uses for reimbursable work-related expenses, and that doesn’t carry a balance.

So she's stopped using credit cards, except for the ones she continues to use? Gotcha.

She also has cut back her spending habits, including eating out less and not buying anything but necessities.

Such crazy concepts. Who would have thought you could do such things?

On a recent holiday weekend, her plans including using some free baseball tickets and “splurging” on the $1 specials on hot dogs and ice cream at the local River Cats minor league ballpark. She said she doesn't miss shopping.

There's that word again: "splurging." When you're $60,000 in debt, the word "splurge" really shouldn't be in your current vocabulary.

“I’m not tempted,” she said. “I know what I’m trying to do.”

The impossible?

She also began calling her credit card companies, to see if there was a way to reduce the highest interest rates or make her payments more manageable. The results were mixed.

It just now occurred to her do that? And now we get to the really good stuff.

One major retailer agreed to drop her interest rate from 20.24 percent to 9.99 percent for up to a year, but she had to agree not to use the card anymore. Another agreed to drop her interest rate from 22.9 percent to 18.9 percent. But a third retailer said it could not go below her current rate of 23.99 percent.

AHHHHHHH! You're making a minimum payment with interest rates like that? Great gobs of gopher guts! But, wait, there's MORE.

The bank that issued a credit card with Uhazi’s highest balance, about $13,000, said it could drop the interest rate on about $10,000 in credit card debt from 27.99 percent to 24.99 percent. But if it did that, the rate she pays on her cash advance balance of about $3,500 would go up, from 28.99 percent to 30.99 percent.

These numbers. They astound. If I saw those kinds of interest rates attached to a credit card offer, I'd laugh myself into an early grave.

Meanwhile, she continues to get more credit card offers in the mail.

Well, YEAH, they've heard about this woman who will agree to practically any interest rate and terms. She's like a perfect storm of stupid.

Despite her efforts, Uhazi’s financial situation remains precarious.

You don't say?

The furlough days and reduced salary are expected to last until June 2010, and she worries that her salary could be cut another 5 percent or more as the state grapples with severe budget woes.

Again, it sure would be nice to have some SAVINGS in such times.

She’s thought about trying to get a second job in the evenings, but such jobs are hard to get these days, and she worries about taking a position away from someone else who has no other means of income.

She's THOUGHT ABOUT TRYING. "Well, I'd really like to want to help you, Flanders."

And she's worried about taking a position away from someone else? This woman doesn't quite grasp the concept of working for a living.

Recently, she held a garage sale, raising $183.65 — almost enough to make up for the drop in pay she had that month because of the furlough.

Not quite the windfall you should necessarily rely on, but I guess I can give her about a "C" for effort.

Uhazi has depleted most of her savings tryingto make up for the drop in salary.

I suppose it's not hard to deplete all those funds you scrounged out of the couch cushions.

Even as she works to pay down her debt, she worries that she’ll have to start using the cards again just to pay for necessities, like food. Financial goals she once dreamed of, like buying her own home, have been put off indefinitely.

*blink, blink* She was considering a home loan? That would be amusing if it weren't so horrifying. Home loans to high risks like her are a big reason we're in the mess we are right now.

At times, she frets that her only option will be to file for bankruptcy, especially if her salary is cut further.

It's nice that she's afraid of bankruptcy but, really, it really might do her some good, and it will probably mean a lot of those credit card offers will stop showing up.

For now, though, Uhazi said she is hoping to avoid a bankruptcy filing. The panic she felt when she first realized how deeply in debt she was has subsided, she said, as she’s talked with more people and learned how many others have grappled with similar problems.

She said it’s also been good to finally tally up the debt and talk to the credit card companies about her situation.

“It’s so stressful, but I feel a lot better about it,” she said. “I’m trying to fix it.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, wraps up one of the dumbest articles I've ever read in my life.

Posted by Ryan at 03:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 22, 2009

Book of Geodes

Ryan: In the future book you and I are going to co-author, one of the main characters is going to be "Cockleton Wangley."

He'll be a penis doctor researching the condition known as "Cock Blocking."

Caroline: He also holds seminars on how to be a loyal wingman.

Ryan: Ooh, another character! "Loyal Wingman!"

He's a pilot, natch.

Caroline: This book will write itself.

Ryan: Together, Cockleton Wangley and Loyal Wingman will race through the city of Rome, solving a centuries-old Biblical riddle.

Wait, wait! Another character: "Biblical Riddle!"

Caroline: I think I've heard of that story before ...

Can we get Ron Howard to direct the movie version?

Ryan: "Biblical Riddle" would be the perfect villain.

Caroline: They'd have to figure out what happens when splorter meets anti-splorter.

Ryan: His catchphrase before he kills someone: "I'm going to go all Biblical on your ass."

Posted by Ryan at 12:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Babby Names

Ryan: Gonna be a hot one today.

Caroline: hot. hot, hot, according to the PB

Ryan: *sigh* I read that.

Caroline: first-class reporting, that

Ryan: They also have an opinion piece written by a "Dick Polman."

Caroline: nuh uh

Ryan: Which is so full of WIN, it's crazy.

The only way that name could be more full of penis is if his middle name is "Cockleton."

Caroline: Or "Wangley"

Ryan: LOLO!

Although, "Cockleton" implies a ton's worth of cock.

Caroline: That's a lot of cock.

And, yes. That's the first time I've ever said that sentence.

Ryan: I'm glad you agree.

You didn't say that to your husband the first time?

Caroline: How do you think he got his pet name, Cockleton

Can I please submit the name Cockleton for your consideration for your son's name?

Ryan: Cockleton Rhodes sounds like some sort of retirement community.

Caroline: Cockleton Wangley Rhodes
Nobody messes with the CWR

Posted by Ryan at 11:44 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 18, 2009

Buying a Car: The American Way

Are you thinking about buying a new car that's not produced by evil corporations? Is your old car a gas guzzling behemoth that makes you ashamed to be a denizen upon the face of Mother Gaia? If you answered "Yes" to either of these questions, then you may be an ideal consumer for the new vehicle models being created by Government Motor Works (GMW).

Yes, since the U.S. government stepped in and started throwing gobs of taxpayer money at failing automobile manufacturers and basically took over, government officials have been working tirelessly to design and create the kind of efficient and affordable vehicles you've come to expect from bureaucratic policy wonks.

Take, for example, the 2009 Chevy Bailout, a four door sedan capable of travelling 76 miles on a single thimble-full of bovine flatulence, provided you don't exceed the government-mandated top speed of 10 miles per hour. The Bailout, unfortunately, is a bit expensive, but thanks to our revolutionary GMW payment structure, your payments will be extremely affordable. And, even though the payments will be lifelong and infuriating, you'll be able to rest easy knowing your children and their children will also be making lifelong payments on your purchase.

Not interested in the Bailout? Then you may be interested in holding out for the 2010 Buick Stimulus. The design of this minivan, which can be converted into both a pick-up truck and an RV, is revolutionary in many regards. The Stimulus's most revolutionary aspect stems from the designers being totally incapable of explaining why many Stimulus features were even necessary, or how they were beneficial in any discernable way. For example, 12 cup holders on both the front and back bumpers seem completely unnecessary, and they probably are, but at least they're there if ever they're needed.

If there's one thing GMW is interested in, it's providing automobiles that are environmentally friendly. To that end, we've developed the 2009 Cadillac Bolt. The Bolt is entirely run on electricity. "So what?" you ask. "Electric cars are nothing new." Not so. The Bolt is not only run on electricity, its sole fuel source is lightning. A single bolt of lightning can power the Bolt for 350 miles. Unfortunately, you have to be lucky enough to have your Bolt struck by lightning, so it's important to keep a thunderstorm nearby at all times. Also, since it's still very rare for a Bolt to get hit by lightning, all Cadillac Bolts are connected via a grid that allows each vehicle to share the fuel of other Bolts. When you factor that in, you can expect to travel about 25 miles before you have to pay an additional GMW fee to siphon fuel from the grid. Although inconvenient and fairly expensive, we at GMW feel it's in the interests of the greater good.

If the Bolt's not your thing, then perhaps you'll be swayed by the 2010 Chevy Breeze, the first ever vehicle powered entirely by wind. The Breeze's exterior consists of several hundred tiny windmills, capable of generating many watts per day, provided you're travelling through America's tornado alley. The Breeze is capable of a top speed of about 8 mph, so long as you're going downhill with a healthy tornado providing backwind. While the Breeze generally lacks enough power to generate forward motion, the vehicle comes equipped with a convenient hole in the driver's side floor — an innovation we call the Flintstone Panel — that allows the driver to provide momentum using human foot power.

These are but a few examples of the wondrous spectrum of fuel-efficient, environmentally-friendly vehicles we have in the works here at GMW. With your taxpayer money, we're ensuring a green future that's largely undefined and provides the government with more access into your daily life, which is always, always a good thing.

Posted by Ryan at 10:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 17, 2009


Somebody please explain to me why Sasha Baron Cohen is considered funny.

Posted by Ryan at 06:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 12, 2009

Hollow Cost

Ryan says: Tough day: http://www.startribune.com/local/47918372.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4OW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUUs

Caroline says: That sounds like a hot mess.

Ryan says: D'oh, I hit a deer! A female deer! D'oh, I hit the pavement! D'oh, I got hit by a car!

Caroline says: See, if those were the lyrics in Sound of Music, it'd be more entertaining. Nazis are boring.

Ryan says: Not if you're in Auschwitz.

Caroline says: cnn.com is awesome. "Dog eats bag of pot, gets high"

Ryan says: Better than, "Dogs eats bag of pot, kills self."

Caroline says: "Dog found with rope tied around neck and genitals after eating bag of pot."

Caroline says: and don't worry: there's a video that accompanies the stoned-dog story

Ryan says: Seriously?!!!!!

Caroline says: I wouldn't joke about such things.

Caroline says: The pot turned his eyes two different colors!

Ryan says: Okay, so. . . I couldn't watch the CNN.com video, so I went to YouTube and searched on "dog eats pot." A lot more results than you would expect.

Caroline says: I would expect many, actually. It's YouTube, after all.

Caroline says: The stoned dogs are probably also writing comments on YouTube.

Ryan says: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNTUlsOYuPU

Caroline says: I've seen that commercial before!

Caroline says: How would you like to be the asshole who has to report on a dog eating pot?

Ryan says: I don't know. What I do know, is that doing a YouTube search on "dog eats pot" is basically like following the rabbit down the hole.

Caroline says: Is the rabbit high?

Ryan says: I went from videos of stoned dogs, to a guy who ate dog shit to score some weed.

Caroline says: I see the connection there.

Ryan says: See? I can't have this kind of fun when I work downtown.

Caroline says: It's sad.

Ryan says: I was mournfully going through Teen Girl Squad episodes last night.

Caroline says: I miss thsoe.

Caroline says: those, even

Ryan says: Name your next child "Thsoe."

Ryan says: Rhymes with "Chloe."

Caroline says: I love General Those's chicken.

Ryan says: Not to be confused with Those Generals' chicken.

Caroline says: Them Generals.

Ryan says: Them Generals' chicken will have to do battle against Colonel Sanders and his chicken army.

Ryan says: The results are sure to be fowl.

Caroline says: What a cluckin' mess

Ryan says: That doesn't even scratch the surface.

Ryan says: Might as well get a "Fart Rooster" reference out of the way.

Caroline says: Not so finger-lickin' good, huh?

Ryan says: I'm not digging the new grilled chicken at KFC.

Caroline says: What was wrong with the grilled chicken.

Ryan says: I haven't tried it. Kentucky Grilled Chicken just doesn't have the right ring to it.

Ryan says: KGC just sounds like a Soviet era spy network.

Posted by Ryan at 08:31 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 11, 2009

Humor Deficient

It has to be said: whenever John Hodgman appears on the Daily Show, you pretty much have to prepare yourself for a seriously unfunny segment. Even the audience seems to be laughing mostly out of strained pity.

Posted by Ryan at 12:18 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 08, 2009

Sweet Merciful Crap


He obviously got at least one in the pink. Now he's going for one in the stink.

Gah. It's B&W, but I'm betting it's Jeff Fecke in his thinner years, if he had them (inside joke).

Via, thanks to an e-mail via.

Posted by Ryan at 08:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 06, 2009

A David Carradine Tribute. . . Sort of

Bangkok, Oriental setting
And Carradine don't know what Carradine is getting
The creme de la creme's on the window drapes
All are wondering why Dave missed dinner.

Time flies -- doesn't seem a minute
During asphyxiation, time has no limit
All change -- don't you know that when you
Wank at this level, death's on the menu

It's icy hand -- or a filled up penis -- or hangings -- or --
or "OH" face!

One night in Bangkok and you're privately cloistered
The drapes have drawstrings that fit your neck to a "T."
You'll reach orgasm, and blow your oyster
And if you're lucky you won't die on me
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.

This wank's very unlike another
When your neck's drawn tight with a drawstring, brother

It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at your wang, and it's the last thing you see.

Whaddya mean? Ya seen one hanging, masturbating, slowly dying --

Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Surely beats dying in your hotel room suite

Get Tied! You're just another tourist,
And your final move was not the purest.
You got your kicks at about the waistline, sunshine.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between death and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the kinky guys tumble
Can't be too careful keeping yourself company
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.

No one's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of neck muscle fitness
Your grip's more than would be expected
On something so old, yet still erected.

And thank God you were only wanking at the time -- controlling it --

I don't see other guys rating
The kind of wank you're contemplating
He'd let you watch, he would invite you
But the technique he uses would not excite you

So you better go back to your Web porn, your magazines, your DVDs --

One night in Bangkok and you're privately cloistered
The drapes have drawstrings that fit your neck to a "T."
You'll reach orgasm, and blow your oyster
And if you're lucky you won't die on me
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between death and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the kinky guys tumble
Can't be too careful keeping yourself company
Lack of O2, you can barely breathe.

Posted by Ryan at 12:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 04, 2009

Get With the Times, bin Laden

This week, the world was once again treated to yet another audio tape released by perpetual bogeyman, Osama bin Laden. As news events go, such taped releases now carry more news heft than NBA playoff updates, but less than any development surrounding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Leaving aside the fact my personal belief is bin Laden has been a lifeless crimson stain on a cave wall for several years now, my primary problem with the latest audio release is just how outdated and unsophisticated it actually was.

You see, back in 2001, bin Laden and terrorist organizations like al Qaeda were often lauded by the press for their savvy use of media propaganda. Back then, video footage of bin Laden sitting in front of a sheet with a phallic AK-47 next to him, calling for global jihad, was considered sophisticated and media savvy; this despite the fact my friends and I made similar videos about our favorite cartoons in our parents' basements back in fifth grade.

Nowadays, "bin Laden" is limited to audio tapes, which is just kind of pathetic and woefully outdated. I mean, he could at least have the courtesty to start a blog. Blogspot and other blog hosting services are totally free, provided bin Laden is okay with infidel advertising running across the top banner. Is it really too much trouble for today's premier terror figure to post weekly updates on "Blogging Bin Laden" or "Bin Bloggin'"?

Or the guy could even just maintain a FaceBook or MySpace page. Online social networking is currently all the craze. Then again, maybe bin Laden's afraid that one girl he dated back in Jihad High will find him and start stalking him again; the CIA has nothing compared to that girl's mad stalking skills -- she'll locate him within a week.

Or Twitter! For crying out loud, Twitter is about the easiest way to stay connected online that there is, and you don't have to write more than 140 characters. Twitter would be perfect for someone who is always on the go like bin Laden, provided he's still drawing breath. Heck, I can almost imagine a typical bin Laden Twitter dispatch:

"Spent last night in a cave. Plan on spending tonight in another cave. My back is killing me. Remember everyone: Death to the West! LOL!"

The point is, audio tapes are just entirely too antiquated. At the very least, if "bin Laden" is determined to maintain the audio route (which is fine, some people aren't comfortable in front of a camera), he should at least learn how to create Podcasts. People today are on the go; if they really want to hear bin Laden's latest rant, they want the ease and convenience of downloading it to their iPod so they can listen to it on the bus on the way to work.

And don't even get me started on how he should leverage Blu-Ray.

Posted by Ryan at 09:51 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 02, 2009

Missed Opportunity

The news about the Hummer SUV brand being sold to a Chinese company opens all sorts of jokes about Humvees made of lead, with narrow headlights, to say nothing of how you can fill up a Chinese Humvee's gas tank, but it just needs to be filled again three hours later. Why am I the only one delivering teh funnay here?

Posted by Ryan at 02:26 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Like Peanut Butter and Milk Chocolate

I'm thinking it might be a fun project to take some of the texts from "Texts From Last Night" and put them in Lego cartoon form. That seems like a humorous thing to do.

Posted by Ryan at 11:29 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 01, 2009

Good News

*Caroline assigned me a freelance article due next week*

Ryan says: Danke. Oog, tough deadline here, you slacker.

Caroline says: Sorry. The good news is we have some wiggle room.

Ryan says: That's great if you're engaging in an orgy.

Posted by Ryan at 07:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
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