Terrorist Operatives Lament Difficult Job Market Requiring Multiple Skills, Viral Videos
SOMEWHERE IN THE AFGHANISTAN MOUNTAINS -- Rhodes Media Services -- Al Queda--the terrorist organization that spawned spectacular attacks on the West, including 9/11, the U.S. embassy bombings and the attack on the USS Cole--is not immune to the effects of the economic doldrums that have plagued countries worldwide since 2008, it turns out.
According to sources embedded deep within the terrorist network, financial cutbacks have forced recruiters to require skill proficiencies that are so all-encompassing, even enthusiastic entry-level prospective suicide bombers are being turned away.
"I'd been dreaming of being a suicide bomber my entire life, ever since my father dressed me in a jacket equipped with road flares when I was four," said Achmed Jalal Muhammed Jafari Salal Falafel. "But I was surfing CareerBomber.com, and all the jobs required me to be proficient in Microsoft Word and Excel. I can't stand Excel. Just put me behind the wheel of a truck filled with fertilizer and gasoline and tell me to gun it, God willing. Don't ask me to fill out a spreadsheet too."
Technology, too, has largely left Al-Queda hopefuls befuddled. Whereas it was once possible to film a threatening terrorist diatribe on video cassette and send the tape via donkey rider to Al-Jazeera to be propagated worldwide and have it considered "sophisticated," now handheld Flip cameras and similar devices make it possible to film anything at all and post it to YouTube and other file-sharing services.
"Oh, don't even get me started on YouTube," said Ayman al-Zawahiri, now considered to be Al-Queda's figurehead leader following Osama bin Laden's death in May. "Do you have any idea how many 'Death to America' videos we've uploaded, only to have them completely ignored while some video of a guy falling off a cliff gets eight million views? A few months ago, I put together some seriously threatening stuff, yet Rebecca Black and her Allah-forsaken "Friday" video completely stole my thunder. Is it too much to ask for even a Tosh.0 shout out?"
"It's no longer enough to drape a white sheet and prop up a snub-nosed AK-47 on the wall behind the subject for threatening effect," adds out-of-work terrorist Ad-Mi Ral Akbar Eetz-Atrap. "Now this green screen stuff makes anything possible. We were once considered a 'sophisticated' propaganda network; now we can't compete with 'David After Dentist' parodies, for Allah's sake."
I used to think a Rubik's Cube was difficult, until I tried to carry a toddler who doesn't want to go to bed in his crib. He does this liquid body thing until he slips through my arms and then he laughs, running away, which would be insulting enough, but he can laugh with a pacifier in his mouth, which is multi-tasking even I can't pull off.
You know, back in 2004, I was making about $40k a year, and I was approved for a home loan of $300k+.
Now, I'm not a huge math whiz, but even I knew at the time that was a ridiculous amount of money and that the monthly payments on such a loan would leave me with absolutely nothing left for anything else--food, utilities. . . NOTHING. So, I ended up taking a loan for about 1/3 of the approved figure.
And, I remember thinking back then that it would take a complete idiot to accept that kind of a loan. As it turned out, I guess there are a lot more complete idiots out in the world than I previously cared to admit was possible.
I mean, I don't doubt "predatory" lending probably took place but, honestly, if your prey is essentially jumping into your mouth, swimming down your esophagus, taking a bath in your digestive stomach juices and then happily cruising through your colon, with no required effort on your part. . . well. . . it's hard to see that as ENTIRELY predatory.
I'm not sure why this popped into my head, necessarily, beyond the fact I was just sitting here thinking how nice it would be if I didn't have a monthly mortgage to pay down.
