After writing about that "taser to the genitals" article, I felt compelled to find it on YouTube. I didn't find it, but I found something infinitely better:
The life of a ThunderJournalist is a tough and grueling existence. It’s always “thinking and writing, writing and thinking.” Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch. For those of you at all familiar with Rambling Rhodes, you should rightfully suspect there’s little thinking involved when crafting this online nonsense. In fact, I try to avoid thinking at all costs, because no good can honestly come from me thinking.
In an effort to further limit the thinking involved with the ongoing nonsense inherent in this ThunderJournal, I turned this week to the newswires, so I can pass on news items you may have missed, thereby fooling you into thinking I put actual work into writing this online dreck.
So, I refer you today to a May 21 Associated Press news report out of Beloit, Wis., where “a man ran his truck through the wall of a liquor store after his prosthetic leg became jammed between the accelerator and brake pedal.”
This is the kind of story journalists live for. It has drama; it has a liquor store; and it has that quintessential component that’s typically lacking in most “truck through a liquor store” stories: a prosthetic leg.
Oh, sure, there have been prosthetic arm stories aplenty. Newsrooms have filed scores of prosthetic arm stories. There are reporters specifically assigned to the “prosthetic arm beat,” so to speak. But a prosthetic leg? This is NEWS!
“Martin E. Nehls, 49, had parked his Chevy Silverado in the Spirits of 51 lot, police said. When he put the truck into drive on Saturday morning, his prosthetic leg slipped off the brake and hit the gas. Then it got stuck between the two pedals, causing the truck to move forward and hit the building, police said.”
You can almost put yourself in Martin’s place. Almost. You can envision the series of events as they’re described here, but unless you actually have a prosthetic leg, you really can’t appreciate the drama as it unfolded. Suffice it to say, I’m sure it was traumatic.
Now, in this day and age of everyone being offended by everything, I’m sure there are people reading this, probably with one leg, thinking “How dare he make fun of this most horrible story!” To which I would respond, “Lighten up, Hoppy.”
Next, we turn to another Associated Press report, this time dated May 23 out of Tenino, Wash., which begins: “It was just a little stun gun fun, but a police officer who demonstrated his Taser by zapping a willing subject in the genitals has drawn a warning from his bosses.”
I have an office job, and it’s a fairly mundane existence, so when I read about a job wherein a person can Taser another man in the genitals and get away with a warning, I come away just a tad envious. It would change the whole culture of the office environment if everyone knew a possible genital tasering was lurking just around the corner. Water cooler conversations would take on a suspicious, guarded air.
OFFICE WORKER 1: So, did you hear about Kathy in accounting?
OFFICE WORKER 2: Nooooo. Why are you standing like that, like you have to pee or something?
OFFICE WORKER 1: Oh, no reason. Just trying out a new standing method.
OFFICE WORKER 2: Hmm. I wonder. . .
OFFICE WORKER 3: Hey, guys! What’s up?
OFFICE WORKER 1: Back off, man!
OFFICE WORKER 2: Yeah, and let’s see your hands!
See? The office environment would become a whole lot more interesting! You could even have drawings each morning to see who will have to taser the genitals of someone else, thus ensuring a highly alert and attentive staff at all times.
Unfortunately, those personnel with prosthetic legs would be at a disadvantage. But, aren’t they always?
UPDATE: My ThunderJournal colleage, LearnedFoot, also points to this article centered around poop, which I feel awful about not finding on my own.
Just so you know, one of the great guilty pleasures of the world is reading the moronic comments that can be found in threads following YouTube videos.
Seriously, if you ever find yourself saying "Nobody can be that stupid," a quick read through YouTube comments will set you straight immediately.
I think it's about time for this second Internet surge--this Web 2.0 thing--to come crashing down like the Internet bubble of the late 1990s.
It just seems like the Internet has too much going on and needs a cleansing blaze to clear it all out, except for the good stuff, like my ThunderJournal which, let's face it, my ThunderJournal is easily the second best thing about the Internet, just below porn.
So, to that end, I'm going to think of new and exciting ways in which I can pop this here Web 2.0 bubble. The results will be chronicled here on my ThunderJournal once I'm successful.
Or, I might take a nap. I haven't decided yet.
