So, I just went to the cafeteria, and I noticed something I've never noticed before.
I purchased some soup. What kind of soup? According to the sign, it was "Wild Rice With Ham" soup. Then, right next to that sign was another sign that read, "This item contains pork."
Sure, Lisa, a MAGICAL animal.
Pigs really are magical you know.
From today's Star-Tribune:
COLONIZING SPACE
First things first
The June 14 edition reports that physicist Stephen Hawking "sees [a] need for colonization of space."
Prof. Hawking favors space settlements that need no support from Earth, so that humans can survive disasters such as global warming, nuclear war or a genetically engineered virus -- which would be created largely by humans.
What is the evidence that the human race ought to survive?
HEATHER BJORK, GOLDEN VALLEY
Okay, take a deep breath. Soak that fucker in nice and deep. Let the stupidity of it wash over you like a tub full of camel spittle.
Dear Heather Goose-Dress,
You are a dumbass. There is no debate required on this point. As dumbasses go, you are their queen. You are the supreme leader of Dumbass-slavia.
Let's see. . . let's see. . . where to begin? Oh, here's a thought: maybe the fact that we're the only species on the entire planet that can even ponder the possibility of colonizing space, maybe THAT'S evidence the human race ought to survive?
Wait, wait, maybe the fact we humans have produced staggering works of art like the Sistine Chapel ceiling, Da Vinci's entire body of work, and the collective artistic creations of generations of artists, poets, writers and philosophers. . . maybe THAT'S evidence the human race ought to survive?
Wait, wait, I'm still spit-balling here, but maybe the fact we humans have unlocked more scientific secrets than could possibly have been conceived of a mere 200 years ago, maybe THAT'S evidence the human race ought to survive?
But, you know, Heather, as long as you're so appalled by the human race, and you apparently feel that it's not fit to endure, you can certainly divest the rest of us of your presence amongst our ranks. After all, the very idea that you continue to breathe nice gasps of air into your human lungs, while at the same time questioning the right of the human race to survive, well, you know, that kind of smacks of undiluted hypocrisy.
Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. You are a dumbass. Please take your dumbass self and take a flying leap off of some structure of a high elevation. You fucking dumbass.
Sincerely,
Me.
P.S. - Yes, you're still a dumbass.
UPDATE: Flamingbanjo advises that I may have worked too hard in crafting my response to Heather No-Brain.
You're working way too hard on this point. Da Vinci? Sistine Chapel? Space travel? Howzabout "The human race ought to survive because I'm human and everyone I like is human and I want to live, and not all by myself either, like Burgess Meredith in that one Twilight Zone episode. That would suck."
Could we please, please, pretty-fucking-please, PLEASE do away with the term "gas-guzzler?"
Don't get me wrong, I think monstrous Hummers and SUVs and other vehicles that are totally pointless unless you live in an active volcano are stupid status symbols with little or no practical use.
That said, I still despise the overused term "gas-guzzler." Vehicles don't "guzzle" anything, okay? Vehicles are totally oblivious to the amount of gas they require. Their rate of guzzlement, such as it is, is determined entirely by the manufacturer and the person actually pushing down on the accelerator.
The vehicle itself does not have an addiction to gas. It would be perfectly happy with an empty tank. It doesn't care if it's in motion or sitting on the side of the road. So, please, stop attributing the term "gas-guzzler" to large, unnecessary vehicles as if they're toothless bums begging for spare change outside the nearest Shell station.
Also, I don't know if you realize it, but the term "guzzler" is actually kind of cute. Admit it, if you saw a wounded, furry guzzler on the side of the road, you'd go over and try to help it, wouldn't you? You wouldn't worry about rabies or guzzler flu, or anything. You'd be intent on getting that guzzler back to health and back to its family of other cute, furry guzzlers.
So you see, calling a vehicle a "gas-guzzler" doesn't actually radiate the shame and derision it was intended to back when it was first invoked. If you're aiming at getting some linguistical kick, try calling an SUV a "petroleum decimator," or maybe a "dead dinosaur re-killer," or a "gas price increaser."
But, you see, there's an even more practical reason for not calling vehicles "gas-guzzlers." By calling vehicles "gas-guzzlers," you're essentially letting the vehicle owners off the hook. The owners aren't the shameless over-utilizers of our planet's natural resources, their VEHICLES are. Once they're encapsulated in their 3,400 square foot Hummer Mansioneer, the drivers are no longer held accountable for the petroleum-torching requirements needed to propel them the four blocks from the grocery store to their home.
Essentially, the vehicle driver can just shrug and say, "Yeah, it's a gas-guzzler, but what can I do? It guzzles gas. It has a gas-guzzling problem. I've suggested treatment, but it just sits there and won't say a word. You can't help a gas-guzzler that doesn't want to be helped. There's nothing I can do."
We need to remove that protective barrier on non-accountability that we and the media have bestowed upon the owners of vehicles that tout one mile per gallon. No longer should we call an inanimate object a "guzzler" of anything. The blame should be removed from the vehicle and placed squarely on the shoulders of the owner.
The next time you see someone filling up their Ford Abrams Roadmaster, don't remark to them that their vehicle is a "gas-guzzler," because that absolves them of guilt. Rather, say something along the lines of: "Hey, do you mind not sucking down the earth's natural resources as if they're your own personal endless line of cocaine?" In other words, make it about the owner, not the vehicle.
And be sure to help a wounded guzzler if you ever seen one, because those little fellas are just too cute.
The good ole' boys at the Mint actually steered me towards this last week, but I held off on posting about it until the experiment was over.
Basically, a Canadian with an outrageous sense of humor and a stomach of iron, ate nothing but monkey food (and coffee and vodka) for one week. And, well, as you would expect when it comes to a man eating nothing but monkey food for a week, it was scream-out-loud hysterical.
"I'm not an accountant, but I do have a clipboard."
