Rambling Rhodes

Bored

Sorry posting has sucked so bad lately. Not much to say. Plus, it's winter.

The Food Pyramid Revisited

On Jan. 12, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA)--which can be rearranged to spell SAUD, which makes me deeply suspicious--announced the sixth edition of the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, more commonly known as The Food Pyramid.

The latest update to U.S. dietary guidelines "places stronger emphasis on reducing calorie consumption and increasing physical activity." This is a very, very important finding, because it means the USDA has finally discovered the secret meaning behind the ancient Asian philosophy known as "Well, Duhhhhh!"

The most important aspect of the dietary guidelines, for me, comes in the area labeled: "Food Groups To Encourage." In other words, we're talking about our beloved Food Pyramid.

I learned all about the Food Pyramid in elementary school, primarily thanks to grainy filmstrips and static-filled tape recordings that went "beep" whenever the teacher was supposed to advance to the next slide.

The Food Pyramid was extremely important to learn. I wasn't sure why, but it was my understanding that meshing ancient Egyptian architecture with modern day dietary recommendations meant that I was going to live, at least, 4,000 years.

The Food Pyramid consisted of four basic food groups, including the Bread & Cereal Group, the Meat and Poultry Group, the Milk and Cheese Group, and the Fruit and Vegetable Group. These, alone, were difficult to remember, but then they went and threw all common sense out the window by putting peanuts within the Meat and Poultry Group. It was then that I started to think that the USDA was probably just fucking with me.

Even more ridiculous thatn peanuts in the Meat and Poultry Group were the number of daily servings suggested from each group. Those crazy guidelines were calling for somewhere in the realm of eight servings of fruits and vegetables, seven servings of milk and cheese, six servings of bread and cereal, and five servings of meat and poultry. What the hell?

Apparently, if the USDA had it's way, I would have been eating all day long. They say there's an obesity epidemic in America today, and they're blaming fast food. Personally, I think it's probably the result of five generations of elementary school students scarfing down 26 servings of pyramid food for the last 30 years. Thanks, USDA. Way to go, guys.

Today's guidelines are more modest, recommending that, for those who feel they simply must eat food, they "consume a sufficient amount of fruits and vegetables while staying within energy needs." Good advice, as per the "Well, Duhhhhh!" philosophy mentioned earlier.

And, fear not, those of you dying to know if it's still okay to drink alcoholic beverages. The USDA has outlined some valuable "Well, Duhhhh!" recommendations for booze as well.

"Alcoholic beverages should be avoided by individuals engaging in activities that require attention, skill, or coordination, such as driving or operating machinery."

For my part, I'm amazed the report made no mention of the hazards of "beer goggles," and it made absolutely no reference whatsoever to the invaluable chemical equation: "Liquor before beer, you're in the clear; beer before liquor, you've never been sicker."

Please, write your Congressperson immediately to rectify these glaring omissions.

Just as soon as you finish that 26th serving.

Ooh, Ooh! It's A Nick Coleman Column!

That's right, folks, it's Nick Coleman fisking time again here at Rambling Rhodes! Grab your popcorn and take a seat, because here we go:

Wednesday was Meth Awareness Day at the State Capitol, and just in time. Symptoms of methamphetamine use include a false sense of power, incessant talking and purposeless, repetitive behavior.

See also: Nick Coleman.

Of course, those things in the Capitol only prove that the Legislature is in session. But whatever our lawmakers may be smoking, the warning signs are clear: They have begun neglecting their responsibilities and are having trouble setting priorities.

And those priorities would be? What priorities does Nick Coleman think the Legislature should be focusing on? Well, seeing as how this is a Coleman column, we probably won't find out for the next several paragraphs.

This was a disgrace:

See also: Nick Coleman.

While state officials were getting hip to crank yesterday, leaders of Minnesota's two largest religious faiths were two miles away, visiting the West Side of St. Paul in an attempt to show lawmakers the human faces of poverty and to change the nature of our political debate, which has been dominated in recent years by budget squabbles and juvenile promises not to raise taxes.

First off: "Hip to crank?" *groan* Secondly, I find it amazing that Coleman thinks it's juvenile to promise not to raise taxes. Why, that's something only a teenager would promise!

Every one of the 201 legislators was notified of the effort by Archbishop Harry Flynn of the Catholic Archdiocese of St. Paul-Minneapolis and his Lutheran opposite number, Bishop Peter Rogness of the St. Paul Synod of the ELCA. Powerful pols on both sides of the aisle were specifically invited to join the churchmen in a hardship tour of the West Side, a microcosm of poverty and problems too often seen by politicians only as troublesome line items.

Not a one of the pompous windbags showed up. None of them.

Yeah, because, when the Legislature is in session, they have nothing else to do but go gallavanting off to pat the poor on their poverty-stricken heads. Or, wait, I have an idea: how about those 201 legislators stay at the Capitol and actually work to address the issue of poverty where it makes the most sense? Or, maybe Nick envisions legislation being drawn up on the hunched over backs of their fellow legislators? For Nick, a legislator's time is better spent strolling along a hardship tour of the West Side. Gotcha, Nick. NEXT!

No state senators, no representatives, no staff people. No Republicans, no DFLers. Hundreds of these same empty suits had traveled down to Rochester on Tuesday to applaud Gov. Tim Pawlenty as he promised, once again, to balance a deficit on the backs of the disadvantaged.

Uh. . . huh. That was actually part of Pawlenty's state of the state speech. It was right towards the end. Raising his fist in the air, he proclaimed, in a clear, deep tone: "I promise, once again, to balance a deficit on the backs of the disadvantaged!" It was met with wild applause.

But none could get their tuchis over the Wabasha Street Bridge to St. Matthew's Catholic parish, practically within the shadow of the gold-plated jackasses on top of the Capitol, to find out how political games affect the people where they live.

First off: "tuchis?" *groan* Secondly: "gold-plated jackasses?" *groan squared* There's this Home-Ec rule about grocery shopping I learned way back in 7th grade. It is simply: don't go shopping on an empty stomach. Otherwise, you'll end up with a bunch of crap you'll regret buying once you've eaten. On the same token, I'm kind of pleased that the Minnesota legislators opted out of this "feel bad" tour, because I don't want our elected officials going back to the Capitol to start drafting ill-advised legislation because their emotions have been stirred by Tiny Tim and his whooping cough. Minnesota has some of the highest taxes in the nation, and I don't want taxes being raised even higher in a futile attempt to head off poverty.

If I were a bishop, I'd read the windbags' names from the pulpit.

That'd show 'em!!

Here's a little of what the pols were too busy to be bothered with:

• A health clinic director explaining how more and more uninsured people are being forced to wait until a nagging medical problem becomes a full-blown crisis before seeking emergency treatment. Kids with ear infections, mothers with breast lumps, dads with nagging coughs: They all wait.

I've got news for you, Nick. That's not unique to the uninsured. I once sat around with a sore throat for about two weeks, before what turned out to be strep morphed into scarlet fever (seriously). I was a wreck. And I was INSURED! But, I was STUBBORN! And, I was STUPID. And, I'll probably DO IT AGAIN AT SOME POINT.

• A teacher in the only day-care center still open on the West Side explaining how working parents are squeezed between low-paying jobs and rising housing and health costs and are unable to afford child care. Some of the kids in her center wolf down lunch because there is no dinner at home.

SOME of the kids, wolfing down lunch! Oh, the humanity! Also note the classic Nick Coleman observational reporting without any background fact-checking at all. How bad is it? Well, it's so bad, people are telling Nick how bad it is during an event specifically organized to shed the worst possible light on a situation! It's THAT BAD!

• A Loaves & Fishes evening meal that serves 600 people a week at St. Matt's, 30,000 a year. Even though 25 St. Paul-area churches support the St. Matt's feeding program, the churches, too, are being stretched in an era of continuing budget deficits and growing callousness.

This is my favorite. The churches are being stretched in an era of continuing budget deficits? Aren't churches kept afloat by DONATIONS? So, wouldn't the blame fall more on stingy church-goers than anything government-related? Separation of church and state and all that, dontcha know.

Hoping that people of faith will cover the growing gaps in the social safety net means asking churches to double and triple the work they do. But if you want to enlist the churches in this fight, you have to accept that they don't fight by a political playbook. Their book is called the Gospels.

Rrrriigght, because organized religion has never had any political power at all, ever. And there are certainly no religious lobbies to speak of today, are there? Of course not. Nick: head. . . ass. . . remove.

Bishop Rogness, borrowing a story from progressive evangelist Jim Wallis (author of "God's Politics"), told me about a seminarian who went through the Bible with a pair of scissors and cut out every verse having to do with the poor and the hungry. When he was done, the seminarian had snipped out more than 3,000 passages and there wasn't enough left of the good book to keep it together.

Leave it to Nick to listen to a parable from a bishop and hoist it up as some sort of fact. I can almost imagine Nick, listening to the bishop, nodding enthusiastically, scribbling furiously in his tattered notebook, thinking "man, this is good stuff! They can't deny me a Pulitzer this time!"

"We want to re-frame the political debate," Rogness said during his visit to the day-care center. "The debate shouldn't just be how to juggle numbers. We also have to decide what kind of people we want to be and what kind of place we want this to be. In the past, we have taken pride that we have always been a state that has taken care of its people. We can be that kind of place again. And I will state to anyone who'll listen: The care of the poor -- how we take care of those who are on the margins -- is the barometer of a people's faithfulness."

Bishop Rogness is a smart guy. He had identified the fight we have here.

Nick Coleman is not a smart guy. He accepts everything he hears from biships, care workers, and poor people, as the absolute, unvarnished truth. You'll notice, beyond chastising legislators for not attending the "feel bad" PR event, he never, not once, attempted to contact one of those said legislators. No alternative voice sought. No attempt to even think about balancing his literary tripe.

The question before us is whether Minnesota is going to stay true to its traditions and the compassion that made us a leader, or whether we are going to worship the almighty tax cut until we become a heartless Omaha. In this fight, the heads of the Catholic and Lutheran churches are fundamentalists: They are preaching a return to the core tenets of their Christian traditions.

Nick Coleman: Theologian!!

"Our state's budget is more than just a document," Flynn said Wednesday to a half dozen news hounds in a church basement that should have been full of power-drunk lawmakers.

Power-drunk lawmakers? Come on, Nick, even for you, that's an abysmal turn of phrase. I've met a few Minnesota legislators, and "power-drunk" is hardly how I'd describe them.

"It is a moral statement and our legislators must begin their deliberations with the human needs of so many of our people foremost in their minds and hearts. 'Caps' and 'cuts' can be cruel words when they mean adding to the suffering of our children, our elderly, our newcomers to this country, our uninsured, and those housed in shelters or on our streets."

So it's shameful that the politicians were too busy playing with their microphones and pretending they understand drug addiction to go over to the West Side and learn how their duties look to two leading preachers.

He so outraged! It's so cute! You can almost imagine his little cheeks just getting all red. Awwww, Nick. *squeezing cheeks in a playful manner*

But if the politicians think they got away with something, they're wrong.

They've got the bishops on their tail.

Ooooh the bishops are mad at the legislators, they're so scared! Oooooh, the bishops! Uh oh, the bishops are coming to get the legislators! Oh no, don’t let the bishops come after them! Oh, no the bishops are coming after them! No! They’re so big and strong. Oh, protect them from the bishops, the bishops! (shameless Monty Burns ripoff, I know, but it's still funny).

Let the pols yammer on about the State of the State.

The bishops are talking about the State of Our Soul.

Why am I envisioning Shang Tsung stealing Sub-Zero's soul? Nick Coleman columns have a weird affect on me, I guess.

Inauguration Day Schizophrenic Screed

I know I've basically abandoned the Schizophrenic Screed, mostly because it was becoming too, well, schizophrenic. But, today, in the Stewartville Star, the town's resident nutball purchased a miscellaneous ad that is inauguration-related, so, in the spirit of the occasion:

MACHEYE Headquarters from the Atlantis of GIA. As the 44th president's inauguration nears, Mr. President Bush is planning his speech and he says, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, should I go, black sheep, black sheep, or should I go white sheep, white sheep." And the mirror says back to him, "Baa, baa, baa." Let there be peace. Three presidential: GIA 95455x2 carrot, mosabi.

Gary XXXXXXXX
533-XXXX

It Has Come To My Attention Again

I am now told that the once-Ryan-like fly, in addition to being larger, now features what is commonly known as the Dirty Mushroom. I'm not sure how many people this fly afflicts upon viewing my blog, but I'm relatively certain it's a small number.

I'm also relatively certain that the butt-fly is probably uploaded onto an unsuspecting system upon visiting some other site, although it could also be a matter of a PC's security settings, so what the hell do I know?

I would plead with the hacker, again, to cease and desist but, because it only seems to be affecting Joshua right now, I think it's more funny than anything.

Caught In Passing

Last night, whilst treadmilling on the treadmill, I was watching a 2002 movie called "Live From Baghdad," which chronicles how the CNN team was the only news team to be present in Iraq the night the air raids began back in 1991. I remember that report: the grainy yellowish-green video showing an ungodly number of tracers streaking across the sky, with the alternating voices delivering to the world what they saw and heard. It was on-the-scene journalism as pure as Colombian cocaine.

Well, anyway, "Live From Baghdad" was a decent movie. It was good for treadmilling. But, one exchange caught my attention and it peeved me just a bit. Yes, I was peeved.

It was the scene of the CNN newsroom just before the bombs started to fall. Tensions and anxiety were high. There was some debate as to whether to go with a "War In The Gulf" or "Crises In The Gulf." They opt for "Crises In The Gulf," but then the producer adds:

"You better add 'Persian Gulf,' otherwise middle America might think we're bombing Mexico."

Yeah, those dumb middle Americans! Hyuk. They shore dern't know anerthing 'bout geomography. They're not enlightened or informed like those astute folks at CNN.

Gah.

And that movie was made in 2002, two years before those red-necked Jesus-freaks went and elected "W" for a second term.

This type of blanket assumption regarding the intellect of middle America is just irritating as all hell. It's just as stereotypical and prejudicial, and INCORRECT, as any other type of stereotype or prejudice.

It Has Come To My Attention. . .

So, if there's a fly buzzing around a blog, and the author doesn't know it's there, does it really exist?

Apparently, YES:

Now, I like a good joke as much as the next guy, and it's pretty obvious that whoever conjured this insectoid avatar of me has some apparent skill and technological savvy, so I salute you, oh tinkerer of blogs. But, still, you can stop now. Please.

I've gone through my blog template code, and I can't see anything that would indicate anything has been added. And, because the fly only appears on some people's browsers and not others, I'm wondering if this is some sort of blog hack by proxy, meaning that it somehow gets downloaded as a kind of Javascript from another site, and only manifests itself on my blog. I don't know. I'm not techie enough to understand how this kind of thing works.

At any rate, please cease and desist with the buzzing fly, unknown blog kung-fu artist. I bow down to your superior skills.

Now, please, swat that fly.

Iraqi Pros And Cons

Prior to the Iraq war, there was one blogging voice you could tune into, Salam Pax.

There are now somewhere near 40 or so. Some are pro-American. Some aren't. All of them, however, have their own unique view of the war and the future:

Healing Iraq
Riverbend
G in Baghdad
Ishtar Talking
The Mesopotamian
Iraq At A Glance
Hammorabi
Nabil's Blog
Iraq The Model
Iraq and Iraqis
A Family In Baghdad
Road Of A Nation
Sun Of Iraq
Tell Me A Secret
Kurdo's World
The Iraqi Agora
Shlonkom Bakazay
Raed In The Middle
Baghdad Update
Baghdad Dweller
Life In Baghdad
A Glimpse of Iraq
US Mistakes In Iraq
Rapid Democracy In Iraq
Iraqi Letter To America
Land Of Karda
Kardox - The Kurdish View
Kurdistan Bloggers Union
A Star From Mosul
Baghdad Girl (Probably the foremost Iraqi catblogger. Man, she LOVES cats)
Bubble
hnk's blog
Loser's Blog

Could some of these blogs be fake? Sure. They're pretty hard to verify, in a lot of cases. Overly optimistic or pessimistic? Absolutely. I tend to read them, when I do, with a grain of salt on either side. Like every other blog in the world, and MSM war reporting in general, I tend to think the truth probably falls somewhere in the middle.

Now, let me ask you something. Which blogs above do you think are more authentic or believable? The ones critical of the occupation, or the ones more optimistic? Do you dismiss some as propaganda and others as the truth laid bare? What are your criteria for those biases? I only ask, because I find myself doing it, from time to time.

And what does the New York Times think?

Read it all, and ask where you think the writer's biases fall. Or do you think there are no biases in the piece? I'm interested in hearing your take.

The Eternal Question

So, I just got an e-mail, spam, that featured the following subject line:

"Has Your Cum Ever Dribbled When You Wished It Would Shoot Out?"

Sounds like a good country western song.

Getting Tutored

This morning was a big day for the kittens that aren't so kitteny any more. Today they lose their testicles. Of course, by "lose," I don't mean like spare change in the couch cushions; I mean that a stranger with a scalpel will remove their fledgling male beads and more than likely toss them into a trash can.

And as an added insult to the kitties: I paid the stranger to do it.

I awoke extra early so I could drive them over 30 miles to a rural vet clinic that featured neutering rates far below what you can expect within Rochester. In Rochester, the going rate for one neutered cat usually exceeds $100. But, if you're willing to drive to Plainview, they'll do the deed for $30 a cat which, I'm quick to point out to anyone, comes out to about $15 a nut. SOLD!

People give me an admonishing look when I tell them about my bargain-shopping approach to neutering. And, truth be told, if it were me going under the knife to have my testes snipped, I'd spare no expense. Hell, I'd take out a loan, if need be.

But, cats are cats. If I had a little bit more expertise, I'd consider doing the procedure myself, over a protective matting of old newspapers, like carving a pumpkin, only more delicate.

For their part, the cats yowled and howled the entire way to the vet, which they tend to do any time they're forced to spend extended periods in a pet carrier.

For my part, I'm feeling pretty good, because, no matter how bad my work day may go, I can be fairly certain that the cats are probably enduring a far worse day.

This morning was a big day for the kittens that aren't so kitteny any more. Today they lose their testicles. Of course, by "lose," I don't mean like spare change in the couch cushions; I mean that a stranger with a scalpel will remove their fledgling male beads and more than likely toss them into a trash can.

And as an added insult to the kitties: I paid the stranger to do it.

I awoke extra early so I could drive them over 30 miles to a rural vet clinic that featured neutering rates far below what you can expect within Rochester. In Rochester, the going rate for one neutered cat usually exceeds $100. But, if you're willing to drive to Plainview, they'll do the deed for $30 a cat which, I'm quick to point out to anyone, comes out to about $15 a nut. SOLD!

People give me an admonishing look when I tell them about my bargain-shopping approach to neutering. And, truth be told, if it were me going under the knife to have my testes snipped, I'd spare no expense. Hell, I'd take out a loan, if need be.

But, cats are cats. If I had a little bit more expertise, I'd consider doing the procedure myself, over a protective matting of old newspapers, like carving a pumpkin, only more delicate.

For their part, the cats yowled and howled the entire way to the vet, which they tend to do any time they're forced to spend extended periods in a pet carrier.

For my part, I'm feeling pretty good, because, no matter how bad my work day may go, I can be fairly certain that the cats are probably enduring a far worse day.

Our Divided Nation

There's this, the latest--and in my opinion, most hilarious--installment of TEEN GIRL SQUAD!

And then you have the people over at Fark arguing about whether it's funny or not.

Come ON! As Tammy would say, if you don't think Teen Girl Squad is funny, you can all go eat a fart.

Reaper Denied, Just Barely

accident.ap/index.html">A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth -- a four-inch (10-centimeter) nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.

That's just so freakin' incredible! I mean, think about it! That nail gun shot two nails at once! amazing! Must have been a Craftsman. They make good nail guns.

Lace Up Those Booties 'Cause It's Cold Out There Today

Driving into work this morning, the car's external temperature reading indicated "0." As in, zero degrees fahrenheit. Yes, folks, here in Minnesota, if you've invested heavily in fahrenheit degrees on Wall Street, chances are you're in line at the local soup kitchen right about now, lamenting your lousy investment savvy.

The sad thing is, when I looked down and saw "0," I thought, "hey, it's warming up today." That's because it's been so freakin' cold over the past week and half, they've been carrying out cryogenic experiments in my back yard.

The funny thing is, being that this is Minnesota, we experience a week or two of these temperatures almost every January, without fail. And we bitch about it, without fail. And, come April, we forget it even happened, without fail. Unless you happen to keep a journal or blog about it, in which case you can call it up for posterity's sake.

Let's check out January 2004, just for the hell of it:

An Ode To Cold

I called a tow truck to start my car, which cost me many bucks.
So I say to all, both near and far, Cold really fucking sucks.

And January 2003, where you can learn everything you ever wanted to know about a Reaumur.

So, yeah, it's cold outside today. And it will probably continue to be cold until sometime around, oh, say, May, at which point it will start to become unbearably hot.

Man I miss Hawaii.