February 08, 2013

Weather or Not

Remember that snowstorm that went through back in 2001? No, not that one. The OTHER one. No, the OTHER OTHER one. You don’t remember?

If only snowstorms had a name. . .

Well, now they do!

The “Weather Channel”--which has apparently recognized naming hurricanes isn’t enough any more--has decided snowstorms also require their own nomenclature. Seriously, the latest snowstorm to hit the Northeast actually has a name, according to the Weather Channel. You know what it's called? Go on. Guess!!


Yeah, I know, I can’t believe it either.

I suppose I can’t blame the Weather Channel for trying. I mean, there are only so many ways to make weather seem interesting, after all. But COME ON. Hurricanes, at least, are somewhat rare, so naming them makes at least a little bit of sense. Naming snowstorms, on the other hand, is like naming dandruff occurrences.

But, who am I to quibble? I should embrace this new weather-naming phenomenon. If snowstorms are to be named, let’s name ALL weather.

It’s said, for example, “April showers bring May flowers.” So, let’s call every shower “April.” Come spring, we can all sprint into the house and complain about being drenched by April.

“Sorry I’m late for dinner, dear, but I couldn’t see anything because April was all over my face.”

Also, we should do away with sunny and cloudy days, in general. Such mundane days require names. Sunny days are heretofore to be known as “Tony,” while cloudy days are to be referred to as “Samantha.”

We can say a day is partly Tony or partly Samantha, or either day hasn’t entirely yet come out of the closet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Foggy days should be known as “Greg.” Misty days should be called, er. . . “Misty.”

“The day started out Greg, then turned Misty.”

Tornadoes are a whole other thing entirely. Tornadoes are like hurricanes but, because they happen mostly in the Midwest, nobody really cares. If they only had NAMES.

A tornado ripping through Missouri, for example, is entirely forgettable. But name it RALPH, and people would be talking about it for years.

“Jefferson City got totally Ralphed on,” people would say.

You didn’t know Jefferson City was the capital of Missouri, did you?

A clear blue sky should be known as “Johnny,” while a thunderstorm should be called “Bobby.” A light summer rain should be “Jimmy.” Heat lightning should be “Tommy.” And flooding should be called “Dutch.”

If all those weather events happen during the same day, it should be called a “Cobra Kai.”

Or, we could just go back to calling weather what it is, and tell the Weather Channel to stop trying so hard.

Nemo. . .

Posted by Ryan at February 8, 2013 04:08 PM | TrackBack
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