April 04, 2012

You Gum Talkin'? Yeah I Do!

I'm going to take a moment to expound here about something of incredible importance to our nation. It's bigger than the impending presidential election. It's bigger than the ongoing economic downturn. It's bigger than the combined posteriors of all the Kardashian women.

I'm talking, of course, about gum.

There's been a quiet revolution taking place in the gum industry, and nobody seems to either have noticed or cared. That such a subversive revolution can take place with nary a hint of outcry is deeply disturbing to me.

Think about this for just a moment. When was the last time you saw a traditional pack of gum? I'm referring to the old pack of gum where you unsheathed a stick as if unleashing an arrow from a quiver. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw such a pack.

Almost overnight, gum just started arriving in stores packaged like old time cigarette cases. Seriously, you now flip a gum package open just like you would a cigarette case, and you're confronted by three lines of sticks of gum. It strikes me as almost completely pointless, until I consider that it probably appeals to the legions of people who are attempting to quit smoking and appreciate the nostalgia of seeing gum packaged like their old friends: cigarettes.

Also, gum commercials have themselves become ludicrous. I mean, I don't care how good a stick of gum may be; there's no way the taste experience is in any way tantamount to the experiences portrayed in the commercials. Granted, the Wrigley's Double Mint gum commercials of yesteryear that featured all those identical twins were pretty hokey, but they at least augmented the "Double" message of the brand, while also featuring hot identical twin girls. Wrigley's "5" gum commercials are just insanely impossible by comparison.

There is NO WAY, for example, that chewing a stick of Wrigley's 5 "Rain" gum is like sprawling out half naked in a sea of Pachinko balls while being buffeted by huge stereo speakers. Also, I highly doubt chewing a stick of "Solstice" is akin to high diving from a platform into a rapidly-melting iceberg. You think I'm kidding about these ads? I'm not. Check YouTube. We're being blatantly lied to about what it's like to chew gum. I'm chewing a stick of Wrigley's 5 right now, and I can only report a slightly tired jaw.

For that matter, the flavor names themselves just plain don't make any sense. Remember when it was just "mint" or "fresh mint" or "spearmint" or "govmint" or "U.S. Mint?" You could reasonably expect some sort of "mint" taste encounter. But "Solstice?" "Rain?" What do they even mean? If you chew "Solstice" in the spring, is that your cue to start the planting season? Is "Rain" like catching drops on your tongue, or slurping out of a mud puddle filled with dead worms?

While I can't speak for what "Rain" or "Solstice" actually taste like, right now I'm chewing on a stick of "Elixir," and I'm here to tell you, it's just FRUIT JUICE. Oh, and "Cobalt" is not like chewing on a lustrous, silvery metal; it's FRESH MINT. Stop exaggerating, Wrigley's!

Just bring back all the hot identical female twins. That's all I'm asking.

Posted by Ryan at April 4, 2012 12:02 PM | TrackBack
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