January 29, 2011

A month ago

It was a month ago tomorrow that we started on this insane side-road that has seen so many emotional highs and lows, I marvel sometimes my wife and I have been able to keep things together psychologically as well as we have.

That's not to say things have been even remotely easy. Even the mere act of waking up in the morning has become a considerable challenge, due in no small part to the fact I simply don't want to wake up from many of the escapist dreams I routinely have.

An example: a week or so ago, I dreamt I opened a silver gift box, inside of which was a golden envelope, inside of which was a picture of a little boy of about three years of age. He looked a lot like my 16-month-old son, but there were several differences, including puffy dark hair. In my mind, I knew the boy was Finn as he would have been as a young boy. I don't know if my mind accurately captured the potential resemblance or not., but it doesn't matter, because that's now the mental image I have of Finn as a boy.

I miss my boy in subtle different ways each and every day. Which is good, because it would be easy to forget about him when dealing with all the other everyday necessities.

Zoey continues in her role as a daily miracle, so much so it's sometimes tempting to think of her as more healthy than she actually is. She is doing fantastic, but she's still only a 1.5 lb human being with her odds stacked to the moon. Even so, she exhibits hints of a personality that seem to indicate she's a strong-willed little spitfire, which is good because she's going to need it.

Reading back through my archives of the past month, I'm struck by just how bleak and grim things really were in those first early days. By comparison, these last few days of January feel almost like a vacation.

Still, I'm eager to turn the page on this month, because it's been, without a doubt, the most difficult and trying January of my life. I hope never to experience a month like this again for the remainder of my time here on earth.

Which I plan on being another 112 years, by the way.

Posted by Ryan at January 29, 2011 06:19 PM | TrackBack

I have no idea if it would help you or your wife, now or in the future, but I've been reading this other Beth for years, and a year ago they lost a little boy as unexpectedly as you did, and she's written so honestly about it over the past year.


I'm so glad Zoey is doing well. I'm still so sad for you and your family.

Keep on keeping on.

Posted by: Beth at January 29, 2011 07:13 PM
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