November 24, 2010

The Talking Heads

According to a rough estimate conducted entirely within my own mind, I've been shaving my head on a daily or bi-daily basis now for nearly 15 years.

That's a decade and-a-half of head shaving trial and error, complete with nicks and cuts and, in one instance, a kinked razor blade that basically chisel-plowed my head until blood actually started flowing into my eyes--I still have visible scars from that experience.

Obviously, I didn't just start shaving my head one day out of the blue. It was a calculated decision that had been jump started by genetic destiny. I was basically finishing the job begun by my grandfather's genetic hand-off via my mother.

Because of my extensive head shaving expertise, I view commercials about male hair replacement and coloring from an odd perspective. Provided I continue to shave my head--and there's no reason I can see why I wouldn't--I will never have any need for a hair weave or toupee, and certainly no need to color my hair in any way.

However, because I'm a hopelessly bizarre individual who insists on injecting my own experience into television commercial scenarios, very strange commercial variations play out in my head.

For example, there's one hair coloring commercial, in particular, that always makes me laugh when I imagine putting myself in front of the camera. The commercial is for a product called "Touch of Gray" by "Just for Men." By the way, why is it called "Just for Men?" Is it somehow toxic to ladies? If so, why would men want to put the stuff in their hair?

Anyway, in one "Touch of Gray" commercial, the same guy appears on two ends of a couch, presumably during a job interview. One guy has an impossibly dark, full head of hair, while his doppleganger on the other side of the couch looks like he has a snowball on his head.

"My hair says 'energy,'" says Mr. Dark Hair.

"Mine says 'experience,'" says Mr. Snow Ball.

Eventually, the twins morph together to create a "touch of gray," which really seems to impress the seductive, professional woman in the room who doesn't have any dialogue but who has bedroom eyes that really make you wonder just what position the guy is interviewing for.

I can't help but put myself into that commercial, and not just because it would give me an imaginary chance to score with the seductive, professional woman. Every time I hear "My hair says 'energy,' mine says 'experience,'" I just wish I could be sitting between the two guys and say "Mine says 'whoa! What happened to his hair?! Is he energetic? Is he experienced? I can't tell what kind of person he is without judging him by his hair! He's like a blank chalkboard! Maybe he has some old childhood photos I can go by?! I just don't know how to proceed!"

This column was in no way an indictment of the human proclivity to judge others by the most superficial of reasons. I just wanted to point out my shaved head has a lot to say.

Posted by Ryan at November 24, 2010 02:24 PM | TrackBack
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