October 07, 2009

Policing the News

With all the recent focus I've been bestowing upon being a new father, I've been remiss in my duties to you, my most cherished four readers, when it comes to bringing you the news and events that have been largely lost amidst all the headlines about such useless things as healthcare reform, swine flu and our President's favorite color.

For example, while most of the major media outlets have been endlessly analyzing whether the U.S. military should remain in Afghanistan, or whether Jon or Kate should have full custody of the Plus Eight, you likely were left unaware that a woman in Nebraska was accused of throwing a dog at a police officer; which, let's be honest, is pretty compelling news.

According to an Oct. 6, Associated Press news report out of Lincoln, Neb., "Police said a woman will not face charges for throwing a dog at an officer during a domestic violence investigation. Police said the woman was holding a small dog when officers arrived, and at some point, she threw the dog, named Flash, at an officer."

You can almost imagine the officer in question filling out his incident report. "It happened so quick; all I saw was a Flash, and then it was over."

Moving on from one terrible joke to something that's hopefully far more amusing, we turn to Boston, where fall is in the air, leaves are on the ground, and bullets are fired at neighbors for the egregious sin of leaf transgression.

According to an Oct. 5, Associated Press report out of Boston, "A man pleaded not guilty to armed assault with intent to murder after police said he shot his neighbor over a leaf-dumping dispute."

You have to wonder how a leaf-dumping dispute can escalate to the point shots are fired.

NEIGHBOR #1 (with Boston accent): Hey! What ah yah doin'?! Yah cahn't dump yah leaves in mah yaahd!

NEIGHBOR #2: Ah'll dump mah leaves whe'ah Ah want to dump mah leaves!

NEIGHBOR #1: Ah cahn't undahstand what yah're sayin'!

NEIGHBOR #2: Ah cahn't undahstand what YAH'RE sayin'!

NEIGHBOR #1: Oh yah?! Undahstand THIS! Bahm! Bahm! Bahm!

Yes, even the bullets have Boston accents. It's a tough city.

Also in the world of overreactions to everyday annoyances, a Massachusettes couple beat up a man because they were displeased with the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken service.

According to an Oct. 2, Associated Press report out of Norwell, Mass., "Authorities say a couple, upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order, assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of children in line."

To be fair, KFC service can often be a bit slow, and their macaroni and cheese is usually served at temperatures so cold it could stop time, but this couple clearly needed to focus its ire on KFC rather than a fellow patron who had tired of their repeated "effenheimer" utterances. Frankly, public profanity has become so commonplace, I'm getting %$#&*$# tired of it.

So, there you have it; another installment of news you probably missed. Join me next time when I'll be back to discussing the joys of fatherhood. Specifically, I'll be delving into the diverse world of newborn diaper changing, a rich comedy area I'm sure no one has ever explored before.

Posted by Ryan at October 7, 2009 10:26 AM | TrackBack
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