August 07, 2008

Marriage Maladies

For those of you who may not already know, I'm getting married tomorrow. And, now that you know I'm getting married tomorrow, you also now know that I've been living with a psychotic and obsessive-compulsive female now for the last month or so.

It's long been understood that women go slightly out of their minds when it comes to their own weddings, but it's difficult to appreciate the truth behind that statement until you've witnessed about the 50th straight mental meltdown about a mundane wedding detail that matters to absolutely no one except the bride-to-be.

For example, I came home from work one day this week, and after about 15 minutes or so, I became aware that I heard the voice of my significant other coming from somewhere in the backyard. When I followed her voice, I eventually found her squatting in the grass, holding a can of pink spray paint, busily coating several small, heart-shaped boxes. When I asked her what she was doing, she responded simply, with an awkward smile: "making things." In any other context, that would have been grounds for calling the fellows in the white coats, but I just chalked it up to wedding insanity and went inside to watch TV.

As it turns out, those small, heart-shaped boxes have become somewhat of an obsession for my wife-to-be. After painting them pink, she set about meticulously adorning the boxes with the names of each of the wedding guests. All of this strikes me as an amazing waste of time and effort for something that's more-than-likely going to be either thrown away or tossed into a junk drawer and forgotten. From my male perspective, a far better approach would be to use a sharpie marker and write on $1 bills. At least then you pretty much know your guests will at least SPEND your hard "work."

But, it wasn't until last night that I realized the true depth of bride-to-be insanity. As background information here, I feel I should note that the bride-to-be is a redhead, which means she has, almost by definition, a pretty fair complexion. Therefore, I found it a little bit odd when I walked by her office last night, and she asked, with her back towards me, whether she looked tan. Almost by default, I responded "of course not." To which she responded "I don't?" And it was at that point in the conversation that I knew something was amiss.

It turns out, the bride-to-be had undergone an application of some sort of tanning chemical earlier in the day, a substance I recognized only from my college days as something some males slathered themselves in on Friday nights so they could look like pumpkins in an attempt to attract the opposite sex at local watering holes. Apparently, the tanning chemical has evolved and become a popular fixture in a lot of salons nowadays.

To say my bride-to-be looked unusual would be a fairly large understatement. She had taken on the hue of a Thanksgiving turkey in its sixth hour in the oven, her skin golden brown and her teeth looking unnaturally white against the dark background (not that turkeys have teeth, mind you). She didn't look so much tan as she did "almost done."

After about ten minutes or so of me reacting more with laughter than supportive enthusiasm, the bride-to-be started to seriously doubt her sudden tanning initiative, and she jumped in the shower in an attempt to halt any further descent into self-bronzing.

Of course, after getting out of the shower, she started to worry that she'd washed off the chemical too early, and so began another round of obsessive worrying.

Remind me again why I'm marrying her?

Posted by Ryan at August 7, 2008 09:14 AM | TrackBack

Because she puts up with your shit!

Posted by: Autumn at August 7, 2008 10:14 AM

The anxiety around weddings is due to a few key factors. One, it is a one-time deal, there is no take two or redo. Two, all of the most important people (myself excluded) in both of your lives will be there to witness the success or failure of the event. Third, every female I know has been programmed from birth that their wedding day is the single most important day in their entire lives. Repeat that over the course of twenty or thirty years and even the most calm woman will feel anxious over every little detail.

In any case, it will happen, most things will be perfect, not everything. The important thing to remember is why you love her and remember that while this is just one day, it is a turning point for both your lives.

My advice as a grizzled old vet of years of marriage? Offer lots of support, tell her you love her no matter what and do not laugh at her unless she's already laughing.

Good luck and congratulations!

Posted by: Erik at August 7, 2008 10:45 AM

Ohhh, this is only the begining....

Posted by: Bob at August 7, 2008 01:10 PM

Man, I'm sure glad blogging didn't exist when I got married. If I wrote something like this a day or two before I got married, my life would be very different.

Very funny, good sir. Congratulations - it will get better.

Posted by: Mr. D at August 8, 2008 05:26 AM

Iron my shirt, bitch!

Posted by: Ryan's Fiance at August 8, 2008 06:58 AM

Happy Wedding Day, Ryan. May you enjoy many "moons" together in happiness and prosperity, and "making things." Thanks for granting KAR exclusive rights to your wedding photos.


Posted by: Iron Matron at August 8, 2008 08:17 AM

Congratulations, Ryan & Autumn. And why are you marrying her? Well, if you treat her right, she'll remind you often in a very pleasant manner.

Posted by: Bike bubba at August 8, 2008 10:17 AM


Hey, Autumn, we're getting married today!

Don't tell Melissa; she's getting her hair done right now. She'd be PISSED.

Posted by: Ryan at August 8, 2008 10:48 AM

Ok-I won't say a thing, but you better hurry the hell up and get here! I only have four hours between jobs tonight! LMAO! Have a WONDERFUL DAY!

Posted by: Autumn at August 8, 2008 11:26 AM

The secret is to marry a Chinese/Thai immigrant, raised in a culture for whom the wedding day is NOT the single most important event in a woman's life. Then you go away to Bermuda, have less than 2 dozen guests, and the whole wedding (arranged by a professional planner) plus honeymoon, together, cost less than a traditional reception dinner.

Although you might find it a tad late for that, Ryan.

Posted by: AndrewInON at August 8, 2008 01:18 PM

Sorry, y'all. I just tried to infer from the characters that show up on this blog--not trying to make you into a bigamist, Ryan. :^)

Posted by: Bike Bubba at August 8, 2008 02:51 PM

No worries, Mr. Bubba, although I would never marry Ryan; I do plan to spend eternity in hell with him.

Posted by: Autumn at August 8, 2008 03:00 PM

the bridezilla usually disappears shortly after the rings are exchanged.


but erik, i'm so disappointed in you making this statement:
"Third, every female I know has been programmed from birth that their wedding day is the single most important day in their entire lives."

a) this is a urban legend, and b) you need to meet some new women. not all of us are dying to get married.

for any of you out there considering getting married, or have friends or family members getting married, i highly recommend steering brides to be over here in order to avoid the Bridezilla effect:

ryan: congratulations - i hope all the stress means that your wedding night sex is awesome.

Posted by: amy.leblanc at August 8, 2008 08:08 PM

You are marrying her cuz she'll have you. And the mushroom.
Seriously, congrats, much happiness, and long lives!

Posted by: Donna at August 9, 2008 03:57 AM

Amy, no, not everyone woman is dying to get married, for some, the brainwashing has the opposite effect. But don't worry, the scientists are working on it. Seriously, I should have written "the vast majority of women I know have been programmed"....

Posted by: Erik at August 10, 2008 10:27 AM

Congrats to you BOTH! Altho, I'm not sure why she'd go through with it after your blog! hee hee! You two are simply adorable together and I can't wait to see you again! My family is still laughing at your stories!!

Posted by: Julie at August 11, 2008 01:29 PM

Hey, Julie! Good to hear from you again. I was wondering if you were reading up on me after the weekend at the cabin. I hope everything's great with you, and you're not giving Autumn too much crap. :-)

Posted by: Ryan at August 11, 2008 06:31 PM

I avoided that whole thing by not having a wedding. We got married in a cafe with three friends (an internet-ordained minister and two witnesses) then we had three receptions, but those weren't the same from a bridezilla standpoint.

I managed all this by laying the groundwork years ahead of time: voicing my opposition to the institution of marriage and everything that comes with it. Thus, when I finally did it, I was allowed to do it on my terms, and Tricia was okay with that because it was remarkable that I was doing it at all. Though, in retrospect, I've often wondered if my ongoing success in lowering Tricia's expectations is really something I should be proud of.

Posted by: Joshua at August 14, 2008 12:01 PM

A salute any such calculated approach to lowering wedding hoopla. By basically postponing our wedding plans each time Mel's mom injected herself into the planning, she eventually clued in and aquiesced to our more modest ceremony with only the closest family and friends. She still squeaked a bridal shower out of Mel, but I don't care about that because I don't have to be there.

Posted by: Ryan at August 14, 2008 12:29 PM
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