August 04, 2008

Global Alarming At All Time High

More People Than Ever Concerned About Nonsensical Shit, Report Finds

Aug. 4, 2008, NEW YORK (Rhodes Media Services)--According to a recent report released by the non-profit, bi-partisan, unincorporated, union-employed, unaffiliated think tank "The Center for Independent Thinking," the world today is tearing itself apart thanks to the phenomenon of "Global Alarming."

Whether they're concerned about the plight of polar bears, drilling for oil in Alaska's wildlife refuge, or any number of naturally-occurring meteorological events, people today are filling their minds with more and more alarmist bullshit than at any other time in history, the report finds.

"It seems we've reached a conclusive consensus on Global Alarming," said Bradley Richardson, senior spokesman for The Center for Independent Thinking. "People are just generally freaked out about everything. With each day's rising of the sun, more and more people are finding incredibly mundane shit to worry about. Just a couple of hours ago, I was speaking to a mother of four children--one of which was horribly sick with the flu--and all the mother could talk about was how migrating caribou herds might have to walk around oil drilling sites in Alaska. It was kind of amazing, in a pathetic sort of way. I even asked her to locate Alaska on a map, and she pointed to Greenland. Fucking incredible."

According to the report, titled "You Simply Won't Believe the Kind of Shit People are Worried About Nowadays," the worldwide media is primarily to blame for the phenomenon of Global Alarming, since the media is largely driven by a fatalistic agenda wherein fantastic and defeatist narratives dominate the headlines, feeding into public dread and often creating new, typically "grim," narratives based on incomplete research and wildly inaccurate conjecture.

"A major component to Global Alarming seems to be the fact that the reporters and talking heads of most of the world's largest media organizations are more interested in themselves than the stories they're reporting on," explained Richardson. "So, you have all these self-absorbed people who typically look good on camera and those who can write decent articles, but who can't think critically for shit, and these are the people shaping public discourse. It's pretty fucked up, when you think about it."

Jonathan Feldman, 38, devoted husband and father of three children, has worked in a local factory for 15 years, in addition to a part-time bartending job. He was one of the respondents cited in the report. Although two of his children are currently suffering chicken pox, and his wife is on dialysis, he says he's more concerned about California wildfires and tropical storms off the Gulf coast.

"Something's gotta be done about all this shit," said Feldman. "Offshore drilling is going to kill all the whales, and Iraqistan is turning into a civil war between the Shiites and the Hindus. The polar bears are running out of igloos and the Japanese Olympics are showing just how fascist that part of the world truly is. I don't see how mankind will possible survive beyond the next decade. It's sad, really."

Posted by Ryan at August 4, 2008 09:06 AM | TrackBack

drilling for oil in Alaska's wildlife refuge, or any number of naturally-occurring meteorological events

Nice grouping. Because a multibillion dollar effort to drill for oil in a pristine arctic wildlife refuge is exactly like naturally-occurring weather.

And while we're at it, what's the definition of "naturally occurring"? I mean, if someone walks up to you and shoots you in the head, the entire process is pretty much naturally occurring: under certain circumstances, gunpowder explodes; bullets, when located in proximity to exploding gunpowder under certain very specific conditions, will fly; skulls struck by bullets sometimes crack and brains inside skulls thus cracked will tend to splatter. And while we can establish some limited causality in that chain of events, who can really say what part humans played in it. It's far too complex an interaction to assign cause to any one thing. Kind of like the weather.

I was worried this would happen if I shut down my blog. Without a predator, the sick and the lame in your mental herd of ideas are being allowed to breed, weakening your mind as a whole.

Posted by: Joshua at August 5, 2008 10:07 PM

Oh, please, Joshua. Don't let your unhinged sense of self-importance take too much control. I post a satirical bit of pre-Pepsi rumination, and you go off on one of your patented rants. This is sooooo 2003. Do you also e-mail "The Onion" when they write something that makes you shake with impotent rage?

Posted by: Ryan at August 6, 2008 06:27 AM

First of all, my sense of self-importance has several hinges. It also has double-pane windows, vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors and skylights. And my rage is twice as potent as the other leading brand.

This is sooooo 2003.

That's what I'm saying, bitch! After years of culling, your weak-ass political ramblings are starting to inbreed again, creating little banjo-strumming-on-the-back-porch eyes-too-close-together goofy-smile-having redheaded blog postings. So you just need to take this intellectual child of sin, tie it in a sack, and drop it off a bridge.

That's all I'm saying, man.

Posted by: Joshua at August 6, 2008 11:47 AM
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