March 19, 2008

Olympic toilet Time

As we continue our slow, trudging slog through 2008—a year that has so far proven that, yes, you CAN become nauseatingly weary of today’s 24/7 election cycle as early as Jan. 4—it’s important to remember there’s another huge event being planned and prepared for at this very moment: the Summer Olympic Games!

What? Didn’t you hear me? I said the SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES!

*crickets chirping*

*uncomfortable cough at the back of the room*

Okay, granted, the Summer Olympics aren’t quite the shining beacon of pure athletic prowess they once were, since it’s been disclosed practically every athlete outside of badminton has taken steroids at some point in their training. I could be wrong, but I think even some of the Olympic television announcers have probably been guilty of juicing up; there was something about John Tesh’s commentary during the 1996 games that just seemed steroid-ish.

If you’re not already aware, the Olympics this year are going to be held in China, which is a large Asian country that’s doing its level best to ensure every American child has the proper amount of lead in their bodies, and that American pets receive enough tainted pet food to ensure the proper level of dead in their bodies. Yes, China has a storied history of looking after us Americans, so be sure to show your gratitude come this year’s Olympic games.

Now, China has always had a flair for the dramatic. Back in 1993, for example, when they lost their bid for the 2000 Olympic Games, they set off—er, I mean, TESTED—a nuclear weapon as a form of protest, so you just KNOW the opening ceremony for the 2008 games is going to be a must watch event. Come for the athletic competition. . . stay for the healthy radioactive glow.

Unfortunately, despite all their preparations and government controlled media hype, China’s reportedly hit a bit of a snag. According to a March 19, Associated Press report our of Beijing, “at the more than 30 test events held by organizers, the presence of squat toilets at many of the new and renovated venues has drawn frequent complaints.”

According to my own sources, which don’t exist, a majority of those complaints were made by a certain toe-tapping senator from Idaho. It’s generally understood that it’s notoriously difficult to proposition undercover law enforcement officers for sex while hovering over squat toilets. I spent some time living in Japan, where squat toilets are quite common, so I know what I’m talking about here. . . and you know who you were, Mr. Officer, sir, and I apologize again for that terrible misunderstanding.

Where was I? Oh, right, China’s Olympic squat toilet problem! Back to the article we go: “’We have asked the venues to improve on this, to increase the number of sit-down toilets,’ Yao Hui, deputy director of venue management for the Beijing organizers, said Wednesday. ‘Many people have raised the question of toilets.’”

The main reason I excerpted that paragraph was because I wanted you all to enjoy the sheer deliciousness of saying “Yao Hui” to yourselves. Your pronunciation of “Hui” may vary, but no matter how you deign to pronounce it, it translates into AWESOME. Personally, I pronounce it “way,” so I’m left thinking: “Yao Hui? No way! Yao Hui? No. . . way! Yehweh?” And then my brain kind of goes on and on like that for several minutes.

Once more into the breach, dear friends! Er, I mean, let’s go back to the article, shall we:

“Yao suggested it would be difficult to change every permanent toilet in the 37 venues, 31 of which are in Beijing. So he said the focus would be on satisfying three groups of visitors: athletes, journalists and the Olympic family, meaning primarily VIPs.”

That’s right, you lowly, sullied, plebian, non-VIP Olympic-goers will have to squat with the lowest of the low. You shall hover uncomfortably whilst expunging your bodily waste. You shall make collective bathroom time as equals, which is exactly as Chairman Mao envisioned while leading his Communist revolution.

Or, something like that.

UPDATE: By popular demand, but which I mean Donna, I present you with an image of the good-old Asian squat toilet:

toilet.jpg">squat_<a href=toilet.jpg" src="" width="450" height="495" border="0" />

Posted by Ryan at March 19, 2008 02:17 PM | TrackBack

Explain squat toilets to us please? Is it just like a hole on the floor? A funnel shaped kinda thing? WTF? And also, what if you fall down while squatting if you lose your balance?

Posted by: Donna at March 20, 2008 01:08 PM

The photo is of a 'squatty', but it's not like ANY I've ever seen in China. That is like a 5 star version - it even has TP! You will not find one like this in China!

Posted by: Steve at March 21, 2008 12:02 AM

My guess is, you'll probably see at least this quality in Olympic facilities, Steve.

But, yeah, the squat toilets I experienced in China were considerably less than this. Like, a trench dug into the dirt covered with a tin shed. Then again, that was 15 years ago.

Posted by: Ryan at March 21, 2008 07:19 AM

Thanks buddy, I would have never looked this up on my own.
So now I have all these other questions like, what if you have bad knees? Or are constipated? Or wait, who said something about there not being toilet paper usually? WTF is that about too? And what if you don't turn the light on and break an ankle when you step in it? And I don't see any kind of bar that I would need to haul my dumb ass up from a squatting position so what do you grab onto. I just have these visions of my ass stuck out with no paper and me crawling around trying to stand up.
And handicapped people, what about them?
But dude, really, thanks for the picture because I was envisioning a hole in the floor, but actually, this isn't much better.
Although, here is the only perk to this kind of thing I can see. If you were shitfaced, (no pun intended lol) you could sleep on the floor and not even have to sit up to hurl.

Posted by: Donna at March 21, 2008 10:34 PM

The real question is, where's the squat porn? Nothing says HAWT like exposed coochies and sphincters!

Donna, in China they eat the handicapped, didn't you know? In fact, if you fall down and can't get up then they'll probably eat you. Like swarms of hungry ants, those Chinese. And they poop like they're camping when they're not camping.

The squat toilet there looks like urinal someone forgot to mount on the wall.

Posted by: Erik at March 25, 2008 10:34 PM

Erik, LOL

Posted by: Donna at March 26, 2008 07:16 AM
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