February 05, 2008

Super Tuesday Debate!

It's almost plain ridiculous how easy it's become for this ThunderJournal to land some of the most sought after interviews on the planet. Here at Internet Groin Kick--or whatever else I may decide to name this site on a given whim--we've spoken with Mel Gibson, Hurricane Katrina and Global Warming. So, it should come as no surprise that our tireless staff has managed, on this most auspicious Super Tuesday, to land a group interview with some of the leading presidential candidates from both parties. Shall we begin? Oh, I daresay we shall!

ME: Welcome candidates. I just want to say, right off, how much I appreciate you coming here to speak with me today.

BARACK OBAMA: No problem. Your ThunderJournal provides a perfect place for things to change, and I like change. Change is better than things that don't change.

JOHN MCCAIN: Is there an oxygen canister around here somewhere? I could sure use a nice pull off some sweet, sweet O2. This campaign is EEEVIL!


MITT ROMNEY: I'm very happy to be here, Mr. Groin Kick. In fact, I'd like to present you with A BRAND NEW CAR!

ME: Er, thanks, all of you. Now, if we could start by talking about some of the issues. . .

HILLARY CLINTON: Did you say "tissues?" I could sure use a tissue.

ME: No, I said "issues."


JOHN MCCAIN: Back in my day, we used hankies. A good hanky in the back pocket was your key to success. We used to share hankies, in fact. Nothing says trust like a mutually ensoggened hanky passed between friends for a little nose dabblin'. This campaign is EEEVIL!

BARACK OBAMA: See, this is where I disagree with Mr. McCain. I think it's time we changed our hankies. At the very least, we need to wash them. Just so they look adequately changed.

MITT ROMNEY: Tissues? Hankies? Which costs more? If you can guess correctly, you'll win this FABULOUS NEW DINING SET!

ME: Look, people, I really want to focus on the issues, here.

BARACK OBAMA: I agree; we need to change the issues.

ME: No, I said FOCUS on the issues.

BARACK OBAMA: That's what I said. Change the issues.

JOHN MCCAIN: Right! It's time to change the focus! This campaign is evil. EEEVIL!

ME: Senator, you've been saying this campaign is evil all day.

JOHN MCCAIN: I just want attention. . .

MITT ROMNEY: Today on "Change the Focus," contestants will compete to see who will be the winner of this DREAM VACATION TO HAWAII!

ME: Gentlemen! Er, and Hillary. . .


BILL CLINTON: . . . And that's why I think our foreign policy should be about. . .

ME: Mr. Clinton, you're not running for president.


ME: No. In fact, how did you even get in here?

BARACK OBAMA: Does he have any spare change? Could any of you spare any change?

JOHN MCCAIN: As if any of us would give you any change. How could you think we'd even consider giving you change?

BARACK OBAMA: Hey, a man can hope, can't he? Is that so audacious?

MITT ROMNEY: Today, on "Audacious Hope," contestants will try to defy the odds for their chance to win a 55 INCH PLASMA TV!

ME: ARGH! This roundtable interview is OVER!

Posted by Ryan at February 5, 2008 12:27 PM | TrackBack
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