It's almost plain ridiculous how easy it's become for this ThunderJournal to land some of the most sought after interviews on the planet. Here at Internet Groin Kick--or whatever else I may decide to name this site on a given whim--we've spoken with Mel Gibson, Hurricane Katrina and Global Warming. So, it should come as no surprise that our tireless staff has managed, on this most auspicious Super Tuesday, to land a group interview with some of the leading presidential candidates from both parties. Shall we begin? Oh, I daresay we shall!
ME: Welcome candidates. I just want to say, right off, how much I appreciate you coming here to speak with me today.
BARACK OBAMA: No problem. Your ThunderJournal provides a perfect place for things to change, and I like change. Change is better than things that don't change.
JOHN MCCAIN: Is there an oxygen canister around here somewhere? I could sure use a nice pull off some sweet, sweet O2. This campaign is EEEVIL!
HILLARY CLINTON: *cries*
MITT ROMNEY: I'm very happy to be here, Mr. Groin Kick. In fact, I'd like to present you with A BRAND NEW CAR!
ME: Er, thanks, all of you. Now, if we could start by talking about some of the issues. . .
HILLARY CLINTON: Did you say "tissues?" I could sure use a tissue.
ME: No, I said "issues."
HILLARY CLINTON: *cries*
JOHN MCCAIN: Back in my day, we used hankies. A good hanky in the back pocket was your key to success. We used to share hankies, in fact. Nothing says trust like a mutually ensoggened hanky passed between friends for a little nose dabblin'. This campaign is EEEVIL!
BARACK OBAMA: See, this is where I disagree with Mr. McCain. I think it's time we changed our hankies. At the very least, we need to wash them. Just so they look adequately changed.
MITT ROMNEY: Tissues? Hankies? Which costs more? If you can guess correctly, you'll win this FABULOUS NEW DINING SET!
ME: Look, people, I really want to focus on the issues, here.
BARACK OBAMA: I agree; we need to change the issues.
ME: No, I said FOCUS on the issues.
BARACK OBAMA: That's what I said. Change the issues.
JOHN MCCAIN: Right! It's time to change the focus! This campaign is evil. EEEVIL!
ME: Senator, you've been saying this campaign is evil all day.
JOHN MCCAIN: I just want attention. . .
MITT ROMNEY: Today on "Change the Focus," contestants will compete to see who will be the winner of this DREAM VACATION TO HAWAII!
ME: Gentlemen! Er, and Hillary. . .
HILLARY CLINTON: *cries*
BILL CLINTON: . . . And that's why I think our foreign policy should be about. . .
ME: Mr. Clinton, you're not running for president.
BILL CLINTON: I'm not?
ME: No. In fact, how did you even get in here?
BARACK OBAMA: Does he have any spare change? Could any of you spare any change?
JOHN MCCAIN: As if any of us would give you any change. How could you think we'd even consider giving you change?
BARACK OBAMA: Hey, a man can hope, can't he? Is that so audacious?
MITT ROMNEY: Today, on "Audacious Hope," contestants will try to defy the odds for their chance to win a 55 INCH PLASMA TV!
ME: ARGH! This roundtable interview is OVER!
Posted by Ryan at February 5, 2008 12:27 PM | TrackBack
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