January 21, 2008

Sometimes, A Post Just Writes Itself

During my many years writing this ThunderJournal, I’ve had to resort to numerous tactics when conjuring a topic for a given post. For the most part, I’ve been able to mine anecdotes from my own bizarre world of personal experience. Other times, I’ve resorted to finding news items that are generally odd, or specifically relate to bathroom and bodily function references. To be sure, if you’ve been following my ThunderJournal over the years, you may not be the most informed person on the planet, but you’ve most certainly read every toilet joke ever written.

Well, this post marks a first for me. Not only did I not have to resort to my usual odd news outlets to bring you my own brand of potty-related humor, I didn’t even have to work that hard to slide such humor into my craft; in this case, the media largely did my work for me.

According to a Jan. 21, 2008 news report out of Monrovia, Liberia, and filed by TIME magazine, no less, “One of Liberia's most notorious rebel commanders, known as Gen. Butt Naked, has returned to confess his role in terrorizing the nation, saying he is responsible for 20,000 deaths.”

See? I didn’t even have to TRY to make that opening sentence funny. Right there, right away, you have a notorious rebel commander, Gen. Butt Naked, terrorizing a nation, which at the very least should be the plot line for a future adult movie. As if that opening line isn't comedy gold all by itself, the article continues:

“Joshua Milton Blahyi, who now lives in Ghana, returned this week to face his homeland's truth and reconciliation commission, this time wearing a suit and tie. His nom de guerre is derived from his platoon's practice of charging naked into battle, a technique meant to terrify the enemy.”

I’m sorry, but if an article begins by talking about a notorious rebel commander named Gen. Butt Naked terrorizing a nation, that article loses any and all license to use a pretentious phrase like “nom de guerre.” That’s like trying to put a cherry on a cow pie.

As for the platoon’s practice of charging naked into battle in an attempt to terrify the enemy. . . well, let’s just say I’m not all that impressed with the military capability of Liberia. I mean, here in Minnesota, if I see a naked man charging at me, particularly in this January cold, I wouldn’t be so much terrified as I would feel compelled to rigorously defend myself. Transfer that onto a battlefield, with me holding a rifle, and you have all the ingredients for a pretty one-side victory for me and my clothed compatriots. Back to the article we go:

“‘I have been looking for an opportunity to tell the true story about my life — and every time I tell people my story, I feel relieved.’”

Great. Now Gen. Butt Naked is relieved. Who’s going to clean THAT up?

“Drugged fighters waltzed into battle wearing women's wigs, flowing gowns and carrying dainty purses stolen from civilians.”

Modern warfare meets “Project Runway.” Oh, sure, you may be gunned down, but at least you’d look fabulous.

“In 1996, while charging naked into a battle, Blahyi said God appeared and told him he was a slave to Satan, not the hero he considered himself to be, according to an earlier interview with The Associated Press.”

I’m trying to imagine what, exactly, God may have said to Blahyi at the time:

GOD: Blahyi, don’t you realize you’re a slave to Sa. . . I’m sorry, but you’re really distracting me. Could you maybe cover that up with something? Just. . . look. . . hold your dainty purse in front of it, I don’t know. SOMETHING. Look at yourself! Do you honestly think that’s a heroic look? You know what? I have a full length mirror you can use. Look at that. Tell me that’s not the work of Satan.

Posted by Ryan at January 21, 2008 01:23 PM | TrackBack

wow. i just. ... what? it's like a mel gibson movie gone right.

Posted by: amy.leblanc at January 24, 2008 03:19 PM
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