December 26, 2007

Well, This Is A New Twist in SPAM

When it comes to work, I've been sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day now for about eight or more years, so I've had a front row seat to witness the evolution of SPAM e-mail. I've seen every form of SPAM you can imagine, and I like to think of myself as an expert on the Nigerian royalty beneficiary SPAM. Today, however, I think I may have received a new form of SPAM, which I would like to share with you, complete with my own interjected commentary.

My dear, I am miss Angela from Asmara, Eritrea, single and 21 years old.

Got that? female. Single. And 21 years old--in other words, physically developed but naive and open to sexual suggestion. This Spammer knows how to target an audience. So far, I'm all ears!

After accessing your details in the Internet site i copied out only your email address. Immediately after going through your information i made up my mind to contact you for long term relationship, because you are my choice of trust and i see nothing wrong with the choice that i have made in you.

One wonders what "details" about me Miss Angela may have accessed "in the Internet site," but it's nice to see she's so discriminating when it comes to selecting her long term relationships. If I were, perhaps, 10 years younger and suicidally lonely, I'd have made it this far into the Spam and would still be taking it seriously.

Now that i am in a state of absolute confusion I must let you know that my daddy was the Financial controller to the Common Wealth North African Region.

Oh, NOW that she's in a state of absolute confusion she has to let me know. Well, gee, thanks, Angela; it's nice to know you have to hit rock bottom before you'll drop me a line. I feel so special.

About my parents; My mummy died in labour when she was giving birth to a baby in the hospital in Asmara, and both my mummy and the baby died together, then i was only 11 years of age.

The good news is, at least, her mummy was giving birth to a baby, rather than some diabolical half-serpent, half-bird genetic abomination.

My daddy died in a car accident and the car driver that jammed my daddy's car ran away and my daddy's lawyer and my daddy's brother are among the suspects, and they are all against me because of my daddy's properties in Eritrea.

Eritrean properties being all the rage nowadays. . .

Why, just the other day, I was remarking to my father how much I wanted to purchase a vacation condo in Eritrea so I could look out over the Red Sea and think about Moses.

The following information is my purpose of choosing you. Before my daddy died he made me the beneficiary of the amount of 14.5 Million gbp in his account with Citi Bank in Dakar, Senegal.

Just so you know, I just calculated the gbp per dollar exchange rate and, even with the weak value of today's dollar, 14.5 Million gbp still came out to $7.86. Prepare yourself, now, for the longest run-on sentence in the history of Spam e-mail.

On my way travelling to Dakar, Senegal i arrived this Gambia on transit, on the same night i arrived Gambia i was attacked by 2 big boys in my guest house (hotel) room, they robbed me, collected my hand bag that contained all my money, as if that was not enough, they tried to rape me so i collected the nearest object in the room and heated one of them on the head and screamed to the hearing of the neighbouring compounds and people came out and descended on the criminals, the next morning the police came to the guest house and arrested me, since then i have been kept under awaiting trial here in this central prison Gambia because the criminal i heated paralysed as a result of the severe beating given to him by the neighbourhood.

Okay, first off, please note dear Angela was apparently most upset with the attack and robbery, but then, "as if that was not enough," they tried to rape her. The CADS! Not to worry, though, this 21-year-old hottie can deal out a beating when the attackers try to take just a bit too much. Added bonus: when the neighbourhood paralyzes a Gambian rapist, the 21-year-old hottie gets sent to prison. Honestly, there's so much wrong and hilarious about the preceding paragraph, I could spend nearly countless hours mocking it.

I am among the girls newly appointed to head the girls sector in this prison, hence i have the advantage to use the prison computer to communicate with you, and i will be very glad to also have a detailed information about you.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen: she's 21-years-old, she's rich (potentially), she's the newly appointed head of the girls' sector of a Gambian prison, and she has Internet access. Sweet mother of pearl, this couldn't be any hotter if she was a professional smut author.

From here i communicated with citi bank and they said that because of the written agreement that my daddy signed with them that i must be present in their bank to withdraw the money by myself OR that i should appoint a foreign partner who will receive the money on my behalf. the money is my only hope in life.

Uh. . . huh. So, there's a written agreement that she must be present to withdraw 14.5 Million gbp or it can be, you know, a complete stranger who has been appointed by a girl sequestered in Gambian lock-down. Interesting terms-of-service.

As soon as Citi Bank transfers the money into your bank account, you will use some of the money to get me a lawyer or lawyers to fight for my case and get me out of here, then the same week of my release you will fly down here in Gambia and i and you will depart to your home in your country together.

Man, she sure went and became all demanding all of a sudden. I also love the "your country" catch all. Apparently, "after accessing my details in the Internet site," she couldn't be bothered to learn my country is America, but no matter. I'll be rich! With a smokin' hot Eritrean prison wench!

If you cannot come to gambia you will send down enough money from my money in your account for my freedom and my journey to meet you in your country airport and you will be at your airport to welcome me . I want you to help me receive the amount and also be my finance and investment manager.

I have to be the luckiest man in the world. I mean, seriously, what are the odds? Here I was, all engaged to be married and everything, and then dear Angela went and e-mailed me, and now I have to embark on a life of adventure and intrigue to rescue dear Angela from her Gambian hell-hole and live out my life in opulent splendor, with Angela at my side as my willing and gifted sexual consort.

Reply me only through email: ONLY.
With all my Love
Miss Angela Kennedy

What say you all? Should we not e-mail Angela, over and over and over again, and give the poor girl hope?! I think it's our duty, frankly, as human beings, to mess with "her" until she goes insane.

Posted by Ryan at December 26, 2007 10:35 AM | TrackBack

Just for you Rhodes, I sent this off.......
I am in receipt of your letter and offer to help you get out of jail. However, the amount of money you are talking about is only about 8.00 US, so why would I bother to help a women get out of jail who has (by now) contracted all kinds of diseases, and is also a woman, which is useless to me as I am a woman, unless of course you could clean my house, and or cook my meals. How does that sound to you?

Posted by: Donna at December 28, 2007 11:51 PM

Ryan, check your email for the reply I got, lol!

Posted by: Donna at December 30, 2007 07:36 AM
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