March 26, 2007

Against My Beliefs

There's been a bit of a furor developing as of late in the Twin Cities, wherein some taxi drivers, citing infringements on their Muslim beliefs, have refused service to customers brandishing alcoholic beverages and, in more extreme cases, refusing service to blind people brandishing alcoholic guide dogs. Or maybe they were just regular guide dogs. I honestly don't read the news that closely.

The taxi cab kerfuffle was followed in short order by another kerfuffle, this time involving Target retail check out clerks, citing infringements on their Muslim beliefs, refusing to scan grocery items containing pork.

amazingly, Target reassigned those Muslim cashiers refusing to ring up pork products to other jobs, and there are those saying cab drivers are within their rights to refuse service to customers brandishing alcohol or dogs.

As a Thunderjournalist, I have an obligation to have an opinion about these assorted kerfuffles, and my opinion is this: I'm outraged.

I'm primarily outraged because I didn't think of any of these ideas first. As a journalist, I'm constantly on the lookout for ways to not do my job. Oh, sure, I tout myself as a writer and gatherer of newsy items, but deep down I'd really rather not be working at all. I work practically 24/7 thinking of ways to better avoid actually working.

For example, during my first stint as a newspaper reporter, I used to dial my own office number, and then quickly hang up, so my phone would ring. I'd then answer the phone, in a very professional manner, so everyone in the newsroom would notice, and I'd pretend to take notes on a very professional-looking notepad. I'd then wrap up the fake phone call, and dash out of the newsroom, leaving everyone thinking I was going out in hot pursuit of a news lead. In actuality, I'd drive out to a very secluded spot I staked out a few weeks earlier, shut off my car, recline my seat, and take a nap for about an hour. I'm a very dedicated journalist.

Hence my outrage regarding the recent news events detailing how certain Muslims have managed to avoid doing their jobs based on their Muslim beliefs. I mean, seriously, how come I didn't think of that? I'm so outraged at myself for not coming up with this idea first, I can barely stand it.

Here I've been coming up with elaborate schemes to avoid doing work, when all this time I only had to say "work is against my beliefs," or something along those lines. All I have to do is come up with a system of beliefs that go entirely against my work requirements and, *snap,* this politically-correct culture we live in will dutifully proclaim I should continue to be paid for not doing my job because, well, who are they to question my beliefs?

So, let me just come up with a personal belief system. Give me a moment.

*a moment*

You know what? I've just now decided the written word goes against my beliefs. I very deeply believe the written word is an unclean medium by which to communicate. Communication should be limited only to verbal intonations or hand gestures, according to my very strict belief structure, which I just now came up with.

In fact, I'm horribly offended by my very act of continuing to write these words. With each passing keystroke, I honestly believe I'm becoming progressively unclean, which is really saying something, considering I didn't even shower this morning. Here I am, working in a profession that goes completely against my cherished and strongly-held system of beliefs.

I suppose I could quit my job, and perhaps seek employment in a non-writing capacity. That would be the most obvious course of action. But, you know what? Why should I? I think it would be discriminatory to expect me to find employment more in line with my beliefs? I think I should be paid to not write. I should be able to sit here, all day, in strict adherence to my beliefs, resisting the urge to dabble in the written word. And I should be paid quite handsomely for my noble non-writing efforts.

That said, if you need me, I'll be at a certain secluded spot, taking a nap.

Posted by Ryan at March 26, 2007 09:31 AM | TrackBack

I like your newfound religion, as long as there's room for interpretive dance.

Posted by: Snow Queen at March 26, 2007 03:34 PM

fucking T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen brotha!

Posted by: joseph at March 26, 2007 10:45 PM

When I lived overseas, the taxi wars were actually fought with machine guns.

And I'd totally visit a blog that was nothing bug hand gestures. In fact, I might just go start one right now.

Posted by: Erik at March 28, 2007 11:49 PM
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