Warning: This post contains repeated use of the word "victim." Be advised, "victim" is one of those words, if you say it or read it enough, that starts to lose its meaning over time.
Disclaimer: For those of you who are thick as oak in the head, this is to point out this is a work of humor, or at least an attempt at humor. This is not intended to be taken seriously. You're supposed to say things like "Ha-ha," or "Ooh, good one," or "LOL!" Please do not fill my comment box or e-mail with hateful diatribes about me being a misogynist, or a racist, or a pedophile. I'm not saying I'm not all those things; I just don't like to be reminded.
It has come to my attention, we live in a society of victims. Everyone's a victim of something, it seems. You spill coffee on yourself pulling out of a fast food drive through? You're a victim, and eventually, once a jury agrees you're a victim, you become a rich victim.
Religious people are victims of some sort of persecution or another. Non-religious people are victims of the religious right. Blacks are victims. Jews are victims. Black jews are victims. Women are victims. Children are victims. Elderly people are victims.
Here's the problem I have with all this victimhood: I can't apply for any of it. I want to be a victim, damnit! I want to be able to obviate all of my personal responsibility for any of my shortcomings in life onto some vague societal reason.
But the thing is, I'm not particularly religious, but at the same time I have some religious beliefs I hold onto, so I can't really claim victimhood from either of those camps. I'm not black, and I'm not Jewish, which of course means I'm not a black Jew. I'm not a woman. I'm not a child. And I'm not elderly. Those are all pretty much the sweet spots that can claim victimhood, and here I am, maddeningly, none of the above.
As I got angrier and angrier about being unable to call myself a victim, it occurred to me I am, in fact, a victim. I'm a victim of victimhood. I've had to put up with all these victims for so long, I just kind of lost the realization that I'm a victim to all these victims.
You know how some woman claim they're a victim to a male-dominated society? Well, guess what? I'm a victim to listening to them go on and on about being victims. Stop victimizing me, ladies! You don't think I have better things to do with my life than to hear you cry about being victims? Do you have any idea how much better my life would be if you weren't droning on and on about gender inequality? If I were to put a number to it, I'd say my life is probably lacking 20 percent of the quality it should have thanks to your blathering victimhood.
Oh, and while I'm at it, I'm sick of being a white victim. All you non-white people--you blacks, and Hispanics, and Indians (both dot and feathers), and Asians and whatever other races I'm missing here--stop trying to make me feel so damned guilty for being white! I get it already! You're not white, and I'm sorry. No, wait, I'm not sorry. Stop victimizing me! You know that job I applied for, but didn't get it, because I'm white? I didn't appreciate that one bit. You know who you are.
Hey, and kids? Is there anything else you'd like from me? Yes, you're the future. Fine. But, honest to God, the second one of you tykes think it's funny to point at me and say I touched you in your private place, even though you know I've never come within 20 feet of you in my life, the burden would be on me to prove I didn't, and you can just stand there and smile and smirk because you know I could be looking at several years in Pound Me In The Ass Prison (PMITAP). And hey, bonus points, I have a shaved head and goatee and a unibrow (which I have to pluck like mad to separate), so I look enough like a kid-toucher as it is. I'm sick of being a victim to the all-powerful "Children of the World." Little bastards.
And, you elderly people can just cram it already. I get it. You're old, which you think entitles you to things, usually prescription drugs or something life-lengthening like that. What you do not have is some God-given right to comment on the rather crappy quality of my lawn. I know you think your lawn is important. I do not hold such a belief system. If dandelions weren't meant to be in lawns, God--or evolution, or both--wouldn't have made them so fuck-awful hard and expensive to get rid of. Screw it. I think they're kind of pretty. I will no longer be a victim to your nosy, opinionated old-fartyisms.
As for the Jews, I guess I can't claim some sort of victimhood from them. Besides, they have way too many other people claiming to be victims of the Jews, so they don't need me added to the pile. Although, if they could maybe work to improve the quality of the worldwide media they control, I'd sure appreciate it.
Posted by Ryan at March 9, 2007 07:19 PM | TrackBackWow, you're still whining about the same shit I got over when I was like 13. That's amazing.
Posted by: DG at March 10, 2007 10:38 AMYeah, I know, you've graduated to the upper echelons of whining about unions, and how unfair everything is for everybody who isn't rich. I got over that shit when I was like 12. That's amazing.
Posted by: Ryan at March 10, 2007 11:20 AMI and by I, I mean all of your loyal and faithful readers, are also victims. And we ARE victimized by you.
Periodically, and when we least expect it, we have been victimized by the dirty mushroom. And I for one, (sniff sniff, a tear plopping on my cheek), don't know how much more of this I can take! I am emotionally distraught. I have nightmares, and am suffering from PTASD. (post traumatic ass stress disorder)
Thank you for your time, you'll be hearing from my shark in muddy water lawyer.
The really bad thing is, dandelions are not native to North America. Some asshole brought them over ON PURPOSE because he wanted to make wine.
My wife points out that potatoes aren't native to here either, but potatoes don't TAKE OVER THE DAMNED LAWN, so who gives a Ryan's Ass?
Posted by: Stephen Rider at March 10, 2007 10:34 PM
Stumble It!
