February 01, 2007

So Here It Is. . . February

This is just my opinion, but I really think the federal government should do more to make February a less terrible month. I think a special committee should be set up, with a fancy name like "The Committee to Make February a More Enjoyable and Patriotic Calendar Event For All Americans."

I say this because, as it is, February is just an awful month. And it doesn't help the 2007 version of February--Feb. V2R007--started off with a temperature of 1 degree. Honestly, what kind of cruel joke is a one degree temperature? It's like Mother Nature dangled that degree in front of me, saying "You'd like some more degrees, wouldn't you?" It's enough to make me want to buy a trainload of coal and burn it in my back yard to get a jump start on this global warming thing-a-ma-bob.

At any rate, where was I? Oh, yes, I was complaining about February. You know going into February it's going to be a terrible month, simply by looking at the way it's spelled. You can actually tell that the person who named the month of February was probably cold to the bone.

MONTH NAMER: Let's-s-s-s-s-s call it-t-t-t-t, Febr-r-r-r-r. . . Febr-r-r-r-r. . . Febr-r-r-r-r-uary.

SCRIBE: I'm sorry, what?

MONTH NAMER: Febr-r-r-r-uary.

SCRIBE: Okay, you're the boss.

But, even if you take the marrow-piercing cold out of the equation, February is still the worst month of the year. I mean, just look at it. . . February holidays are just pathetic.

Feb. 2--Groundhog Day. I don't care how many times I see that movie starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell; I don't need a holiday wherein a varmint tells me what I already know: namely, that winter will be around for awhile. Gee, thanks Mr. Hibernating Rodent. I couldn't figure that one out on my own.

Feb. 14--Valentine's Day. Look, even forgetting a few less-than-stellar Valentine's Day fiascos in my past, this is still an irritating holiday. It's not enough that you simply love your significant other; no, there's a calendar day where you really have to ramp up the love. It's not enough that you're practically forced to watch home decorating television programs 364 days out of the year; there's also a day designated when you have to watch home decorating programs AND buy flowers and chocolates. Incidentally, Feb. 14 is also "Race Relations Day," so you should really get out there and have relations with somebody from another race. Granted, this could run counter to some of the concepts behind Valentine's Day, but if it means I have a chance of being with Salma Hayek and Tyra Banks, so be it.

Feb. 19, President's Day--As luck would have it, both Abraham Lincoln and George Washington were born in February. Unfortunately, they were born on different days. The U.S. government thought about this problem for years and years, and it was ultimately decided giving students two days off from school just wasn't acceptable, so they threw a dart at a calendar and decided on a single "President's Day." Now that I'm no longer in school, I don't even get this day off, so I could care less about President's Day.

Feb. 20, Mardi Gras--This holiday only matters to New Orleans, and college bars around the nation that hand out beads to women who flash their breasts. Seeing as how I don't live in New Orleans and am no longer in college, I spend this holiday in a particularly bitter mood.

So let's get out there and get this month over with! After all, March 1 is my birthday.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.

Posted by Ryan at February 1, 2007 11:22 AM | TrackBack
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