January 04, 2007

Oh, what the hell

At the risk of making this ThunderJournal the "Bash-Nick-Coleman-All-The-Time" one-stop-shop of the Internet, I just can't help myself; mainly because Nick Coleman just can't help himself when it comes to penning pathetic, nonsensical twaddle.

The stage inside the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul on Tuesday was adorned with phony Roman columns topped by palm fronds. What a place for a frat party.
The governor of Minnesota, Tim Pawlenty, coming off the narrowest victory in decades (he squeaked past Mike Hatch by less than a percentage point) was being sworn in for a second term, and the 1,000 seats in the plush theater, a few blocks from the Capitol, were plump full of happy boosters.

You wouldn't think it would be possible for someone to pack so much whining into so few sentences, but Nick never ceases to surprise. Now, if Mike Hatch had won, by the narrowest of margins, Nick would have been gushing about how the forces of the evil Pawlenty were driven back by the powers of Hatch's army of angelic righteousness. Okay, Nick wouldn't have been that evocative, but you get the idea.

The palm fronds -- Romans used them to symbolize victory -- may mean Pawlenty has begun to take global warming seriously. Or maybe it just means he has let all this vice presidential talk go to his head.

See, now, if Coleman were to celebrate a victory, he would have used nightshade leaves, or maybe poison ivy. How dare that upstart Pawlenty use leaves that symbolize victory to celebrate. . . er. . . his victory! Such gall!

Palm fronds and Roman pillars?

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Hey, Nick, dipshit, as long as you're disparaging Roman imagery and giving your readers a "Nick Coleman Knows Stuff" history lesson, maybe you'd also like to whip out a dime and note the Roman Fasces on the reverse side. Perhaps you'd like to complain about that? Or, how about complaining about the bald eagle being the national bird, because that's obviously a rip-off of the golden eagles Roman legions carried. Or, hey, how about Monticello, which is an architectural copy of the Pantheon, and so is the front of the Supreme Court building.

I guess you should look imperial when you win with a last-minute $700,000 mudslinging ad blitz financed by the titans of industry who passed bags of cash to a right-wing outfit that calls itself A Stronger America. Maybe we're lucky Gov. Squeaker didn't descend from the ceiling by hidden wires.

One of these days, Nick's going to have a libel suit handed to him, and he'll be nonplussed. In Nick's little mind, or what passes for a mind, Pawlenty's strong approval ratings had nothing to do with his winning. No, it was the nefarious last-minute doings of the "titans of industry" who were "passing bags of cash" to a blah, blah, blah.

With all the pomp, I was expecting Pawlenty to declare himself T-Paw the Mighty or to appoint a horse to the Senate (both halves of a horse). For a guy who won by a flimsy margin, made a show of eating humble pie and scaled back his victory orgy from a week last time to a single day, it was a bit over the top.

A victory orgy? One can only imagine what Coleman thinks qualifies as an orgy. If palm fronds and Roman pillars seem over the top to him, an orgy must be something along the lines of a buffet table featuring a cake shaped like a naked woman. If Coleman were to actually see an orgy, I imagine the man would faint dead away.

Il Duce might have added cannon, but we are living in imperial times, when the politicians have deified themselves and average citizens should feel lucky to share the planet with the great ones they serve.

Il Duce? Nick can get away with that shit? I'm almost inclined to belive he's been given his two weeks notice from the Strib's new owners, so he feels free to write whatever nonsensical bullshit that comes to mind.

Now watch, ladies and gentlemen, as Coleman does his usueal "jump the tracks into a whole other topic" stupidity we've all come to know and despise.

Gerald Ford had been dead eight days and was on his second or third funeral yesterday, but it still was necessary that government offices be closed (for the third day in a row). This presented a hardship for people such as Shanna Brinkley, who zeroed out her bus card to bring her 6-week-old baby, Nyasia, to the doctor and was hoping her mother would come pick her up because no bus cards for poor were available, out of respect to a dead president.

Okay. . . what? He was talking about Pawlenty, wasn't he? Now he's mad government offices were closed for three days in a row--let's see, Sunday, New Year's Day, and Ford's funeral. And Shanna Brinkley was inconvenienced! And. . . and. . . and. . . palm fronds, God-damnit. PALM FRONDS! Dead president. . . mutter. . . mutter.

And, if you can believe it, THIS GETS WORSE!

"People have things to do," she said with frustration, hugging her baby in a blanket, waiting for her ride across Wabasha Street from Palm Tuesday at the Fitz. "The government ought to do better. This is messed up."Ford shouldn't have pardoned Nixon," a former bus driver named William McMillan said. "If a poor person steals anything, he goes to jail. Nixon stole the White House, but he got pardoned."

Wait, what just happened here? Who said what? Who said "The government ought to do better?" Brinkley, or McMillan? Who edited this piece of shit? Was it edited? How the holy hell did we go from Pawlenty's victory celebration to Nixon stealing the White House? Oh, what the hell, as long as Nick's going off on unrelated tangents, he may as well continue to roll with it. In fact, HE DOES!

McMillan, 64, has had two heart attacks and lives on Social Security of $800 a month. Last fall, Pawlenty came to speak at his public housing high-rise in downtown St. Paul, but McMillan stayed upstairs, watching TV in his apartment.

Pawlenty caused two heart attacks! Or something!

"I voted for him the first time, but I didn't vote for him this time," McMillan said, nodding toward the gilded theater. "When it's time for election, you see all the politicians. But after the election? They don't come around and talk to the little people anymore."

I love how he "nodded toward the gilded theater." We all do that, don't we? Nod toward shit? I nod to work every day. And how about that wisdom of McMillan? Why, during elections, you SEE POLITICIANS! But afterward? They have the audacity to do their elected job, rather than jawing at the local high rise apartment. Those bastards!

They don't talk much about them after an election, either. Pawlenty's eight-page inaugural address, given from a stage where banjo music is often heard, was a mix of pious hokum and hollow humility.

Where banjo music is often heard? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

He said/Me said moments:

T-Paw: He asked for a moment of silence for Ford and thanked our troops, "our heroes."

Me: How about that mess in Iraq? Might be time to rethink your dalliance with John McCain, who wants more troops in Baghdad.

Might be time to NOT listen to a columnist who can't string two coherent thoughts together.

T-Paw: He called for civility and said the voters want the parties to work together.

Me: What? No gratuitous bashing of Indian casinos? No threats to keep immigrant kids from paying resident tuition rates? No partisan bilge about watch the state crash and burn before a tax is raised? Who is this impostor?

Right. Pawlenty is all about Indian casino bashing. Uh huh. And, Nick? Be sure to look up "immigrants versus ILLEGAL immigrants" for once. I know it's a failing for those in your profession to not recognize the difference, but trust me, it's an important distinction.

T-Paw: "Grief and pain release love and empathy."

Me: Where are my love beads? Is this an inauguration or a Teach-In with the Bhagwans?

And Ford was buried. And three days of government offices being closed. And. . . and. . . I'm Nick Coleman, and I have no idea what I'm mad about any more, so I'm mad about everthing.

Palm fronds. I'm telling you, they had palm fronds. Watch out.

It's toga time.

You know, it's entirely too easy to tear Coleman's nonsense apart. It's so easy, in fact, it's almost becoming boring. The man is a parody of himself. That there are people who take him seriously is honestly both sad and frightening.

Posted by Ryan at January 4, 2007 11:19 AM | TrackBack
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