October 01, 2006

You Could Almost Set Your Watch To It

So, last week, it was announced that the 2008 Republican National Convention would be held in St. Paul. You could almost hear the TICK. . . TOCK countdown of the impending Nick Coleman column bomb.

The GOP National Convention will hit the Twin Cities 701 days from today.

I'm sure Nick can interject some sort of unrelated nonsense right here.

Which means that, unlike New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina, we have plenty of warning. Folks who are still in town on Sept. 1, 2008, will have only themselves to blame.

Well, the tone for this column is pretty much set. We have Coleman equating a Republican convention with Hurricane Katrina. Nick has never been known for his subtlety. Or his logic. Or his intelligence. Or his writing ability. Or his personal hygiene.

I say this without meaning to cast aspersions on Republicans, although there are plenty to cast.

I don't mean to call your mother, Ashley Tisdale, a whore, but man she gets screwed a lot. Just sayin'.

It takes chutzpah for them to come to these blue cities after spending years trying to choke off the Democratic inner ring and dig a moat between it and the Republican suburbs.

Uhhhhh, come again? Republicans opting to live outside of the Cities are somehow trying to choke off the Democratic inner ring? Rrrrright, Nick.

But I don't want the dang Democrats here, either. The U.S. Democratic Party is too stupid to live.

Hey! Nick got something right! *insert appropriate "sun shining on a dog's ass" saying*

While the Democratic brass dithered, negotiating hotel rates and checking limousine ashtrays to make sure their fat cats would approve, the Republicans did what they do best: outsmarted the Democrats.

So, let me see if I understand this. Nick doesn't want the Democrats holding a convention in the Cities because they were outmaneuvered by the Republicans. So, Nick, by logical extension, we can assume that, if the Democrats acted first, you would have welcomed them with open arms. Oh, of course he wouldn't have! In the interests of trying to appear un-biased, Nick would have scrawled an entirely different poopy column about how he didn't want the Democrats coming to town because they're fat cats that are too fat and cat-like.

They jumped on the Twin Cities' offer like a mallard on a spring peeper and knocked the Dems into the ditch.

*blink, blink* A mallard on a spring peeper. Well, at least we can see Nick's writing skills have maintained their life support level.

Outmaneuvered for the millionth time in a row, the Democrats abandoned any attempt to win the center by staging a convention in the center of the country and lurched again (it seems certain) for Manhattan.

Good God. Even for the Moping Grumpinator-in-Chief, this column is a doozy. You can almost imagine Nick staring into his monitor, his lower lip jutting out like a hotel balcony, quivering angrily with just a hint of slobber about to drop down like a suicide jumper. See? I can do pathetic metaphors, too! Hayden Panettiere.

If they had a brain, they would come to Minnesota even if they had to sleep in tents and meet at the Bloomington Knights of Columbus. But they don't.

Gee, those dang brainless Democrats don't want to sleep in tents and meet at the K of C. Those brainless, brain-dead, brain-deaded, brainless, no-brained, Demo-brains.

They gave up without a fight. They are getting good at it.

Those brainless, brain-dead, brain-deaded, brainless, no-brained, Demo-brains.

Still, the news that the Democrats had cut and run was a crushing blow to our star-struck Minnesota Democrats.

Democrats and "cut and run?" Perish the thought. Oh, and it was such a crushing blow. You could hear the crush and the blow reverberating all the way down here in Rochester. First we heard the crush. Then we heard the blow. Or, did I see a crow, and then blush? I honestly can't remember. I do remember that I didn't care much one way or the other about the news. Some people reacted differently.

They include our photogenic mayors, who imagined themselves delivering stirring welcomes and inviting delegates to partake of the many joys of Minneapolis and St. Paul.

Try our light rail!

Okay, from all that nonsense to this telling bit:

Now, they will be left to pay the police overtime

Really, Nick? Why would that be? Are you saying police wouldn't be necessary during a Democratic convention? Why, it's almost like you're saying that police overtime would be necessary because Republicans would be in danger or something. Nah, that can't be what you're implying.

while Norm Coleman, Tim Pawlenty and Trent Lott take the bows. Oh, the ignominy. I'm guessing that First Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison, who will be running for reelection, won't get within miles of the place.

The ignominy? Keep in mind, this column is penned by a guy who maintains he has no party affiliation, that he's "nobody's monkey." He couldn't be more of a tool if he was shaped like a hammer.

He should get out of town. Most of us should.

Fine. Leave. Begone. Depart. Egress. Disappear. Vamoose.

There will be no big financial reward.

Really? None at all? And Nick has all sorts of numbers and research to back up such a bold statement, right? Of course not. It's all plopped out of Nick's little mind, which we're supposed to accept as the authority on everything.

There will be security threats, traffic snarls and inconvenience. If we are cursed, there is even a chance St. Paul 2008 will look like Chicago 1968: An ugly convention of the ruling party to pick a new president in the midst of an unpopular war that may be raging out of control.

There WILL be security threats. So says Nick, so shall it be! But now Coleman ramps it up and REALLY focuses his wild conjecture beam.

We might even be the perfect laboratory for Air Force Secretary Michael Wynne. He recently suggested that new, supposedly nonlethal weapons being built by the United States -- including a high-powered microwave that can make people feel like a bag of microwave popcorn -- should be used against unruly American citizens before being deployed to overseas battlefields.

You got that right, folks. Nick has taken a tirade against the Republican National Convention, and wrapped within it a tirade against non-lethal technologies. He has no basis on which to make this segue. It's just one of those patented "Oh, by they way, this is totally unrelated to anything, but it's something that bothers me, so I'll drop it in here" liberties Coleman takes with practically every single column.

We're honored. Zap us first.

You know what's missing here? I'll tell you what's missing here. What's missing here is one of Nick's signature history lessons. Oh, wait, here it is.

I have been against this craziness since it came up. We don't need to be on anyone's map, and we don't need another convention. The Republicans came to Minneapolis in 1892 and it was disastrous: They ate beans for a week, and the town nearly exploded like the Hindenburg.

Oh, the humanity.

Now, after all that moaning and whining and crying and Nick-Coleman-ing, we get:

Still, we must be gracious.

Republicans helped build these beautiful cities, of which we are so proud. Contrary to the propaganda, Democrats have not always ruled here. Only one Democrat (Rudy Perpich) has been governor in the past 30 years. And when I came to the Minneapolis Tribune to cover City Hall in 1973, the Minneapolis City Council was controlled by Republicans.

I liked them.

Gee, how gracious, Nick.

Yes, lads. I remember when Republicans wandered freely on the streets of Minneapolis and mothers did not cover the eyes of their children.

Oh, Christ! What a bunch of twaddle. The Bush/Cheney ticket garnered almost 48 percent of the vote in 2004. So, Nick, there's a pretty good chance you're looking at a whole hell of a lot of Republicans when you deign to walk amongst your fellow Minnesotan plebes.

Minnesota Republicans long served their party without warring on the cities. I hope their national brethren appreciate that. Then we can offer some sincere words when the Republicans come to see the Twin Cities in 2008:

Welcome back.

Just when you think Coleman couldn't possibly write a worse column, he goes and tops himself. Next time I suspect he'll write about how he's upset that the Twins won their division. There's nothing the man can't complain about--or just make shit up about, for that matter.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.

Posted by Ryan at October 1, 2006 11:46 PM | TrackBack

unlike New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina, we have plenty of warning.

That's right, Nick...

Katrina just popped up off the Gulf shore and slammed LA with a little more than no warning.

If you define 'no warning' as 'more than a fucking week.'

Posted by: Rob@L&R at October 2, 2006 11:24 AM
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